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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!
Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody! Here we go again. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hull Law Firm, CM Smokehouse, NinjaBuses.com, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip, fully recover. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh?
I don't think people know what the fuck they're missing. Thank you. Kill Tony live in-house is just an unbelievable treat. This band fucking rocks.
Chapter 2: Who is the special guest introduced in this episode?
Matt Muehling on the electric guitar has a brand new single out, 020, the letter 020, the new hit song, Epsilon. The great John Dees on the keys. Check out johndees.bandcamp.com for all of his music. That's D-E-A-S. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
Woo!
And how loud can this place get for the one, the only, the great and powerful D-Motherfucking Madness on the bass? Jesus Christ almighty. Un-effing-believable. The kids are put to bed. The bongs are bubbling. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You guys are in for a very special treat. You know, sometimes I have multiple guests on and sometimes it gets a little too fucking busy for my liking. Too many people trying to chime in. The show doesn't get to breathe. Sometimes the people don't know the show that well and they're doing this and that.
This is a special episode because this is a fucking veteran of the Kill Tony guest game coming on solo. He's been stuck... with a ton of people on every episode that he's been on recently, and we have him here all by himself. He is truly my big brother, one of my favorite mentors in the history of my fucking career, and a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart. Comedy store legend.
You know him from all of his hit specials, all of his hit podcasts, one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth, and one of my favorite humans of all time. Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari Shaffir, everybody. Thank you. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Let's go!
Yes! Whoo! Oh, yeah! Ari Shaffir and his band of minions... Oh, my God. You have the craziest balls of all time. It never gets old. Every time I'm like, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing. It's like watching a baby be fucking pushed back into the womb or something like that. Seven pounds, eight ounces of nuts. Holy shit. Oh, my God.
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Chapter 3: How does Tony describe the live audience experience?
We'll fucking get into this shit. You know how it works, dude. 219 human beings signed up tonight. Wow. 219. One just slipped out. We'll let that be the first fucking bucket pool of the night. Is that a real human? Heavyweight champion of the world? That's a stage name? Okay. You know this for a fact? Okay, the producers are saying yes. They literally, everybody has to fucking sign a thing.
What's the extra chair for? I feel like my stepmom is going to show up. I don't know.
I don't know, just in case anything crazy happens. Okay. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. The whole show's improvised, and Austin has a lot of rabble-rousers running around. So while they go get the heavyweight champion of the world, let me remind y'all that comedians on this show get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, the great and powerful Ari Shaffir. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah. Well, they're still grabbing the heavyweight champion of the world. He spells it with a D-A? It was D-A. Not a good sign, by the way.
It could be a great sign. But while we grab him, there's only one way to start a show like this with one of our most esteemed regulars. You know, when we found this guy, he was poor, he was selfless, and he was smart. And now he is rich, he has an ego, and he's dumb. You guys know the theme song? This is Hans Kim! This is Hans Kim!
It's good to be here. I think abortion is pretty cool, you know? Men have been killing things for years. It's time the ladies took a crack at it too. You can start with fetuses, work your way up to Filipinos. I recently went to Louisville. They have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali Airport. Who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking?
Is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's disease? Ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been doing a lot of 69. That's where I have sex with sixes and I think I'm a nine.
All right, that's my time. Thank you. Okay. 44 seconds from Hans Kim. Coming in a little bit light in the loafers tonight. I like the jokes. I forgot. I thought it was longer. I'm sorry. My timing's a little off. Why do you think your timing is off this week?
This week? I don't know. Maybe the girlfriend not being with me anymore. I'm single. You got dumped? Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What insights does Tony share about the show format?
Okay. Did she just buy you that jacket solo or did it come with a box of other goodies? Just the jacket. I was like, hey, mom, I need a jacket. She got it for me. Very nice lady. Okay. What's going on in your life that's exciting, Hans? Anything this week? I've been crushing puss. I met a... Tell us about that. There you go. That's what we like to know about. That's interesting.
This is the first time you've given us an update. This is different than your ex-girlfriend? Yes, this is completely different women.
So this is the first women? Yes. More than one? Yes. You ever stop and think how lucky you are?
Yeah.
A lot of people have been reminding me how much I don't deserve it or whatever.
So tell us about the new Poissons. We've been hearing about the same girl for a couple years. This is like all new, right?
Yeah, I was in Springfield. This girl had a real strong grip, gave me a strong gripped hand job. I had to fucking get wrist control, fucking back out. Whoa, look at that.
Whoa.
Look at that. And then she tried to finger my butthole. And I was like, I'm wearing jeans. And then she squeezed my balls and I was like, ouch. Okay. Yeah. And I need to take a walk. I took a little breather.
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Chapter 5: What transition is Uncle Lazer making in his comedy career?
I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so funny offstage. And lately, slowly, we have been watching him transition into being able to be funnier onstage. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer.
Are we sure almond milk ain't making everybody trans?
Right?
Chapter 6: What humorous remarks are made about almond milk?
Well, we used to have a hole in 2%. Everybody had strong bones, and we had regular gays. And boy, they're getting hard to spot, aren't they? I'm messaging back and forth to this girl from Miami, right, what I thought was a girl, you know, she said, hey, I do the OnlyFans, send some of my content now. I said, oh, come on, right?
Chapter 7: What embarrassing situation does the speaker share involving OnlyFans?
She didn't send it to me. The next morning, she sent me a text saying, oh, shit, I did not send that to Uncle Ledger. I sent that to my Uncle Mike. I said, Thanksgiving's going to be weird now. She then, she goes, I was like, but you know, like, your parents know you do the OnlyFans, so you should be all right. She goes, yeah, but they don't know I transitioned. And I said, what do you mean?
Like, anally to vaginally? Like, what are you talking about? She said, oh, you didn't read my bio?
Chapter 8: How does the conversation conclude with a comedic touch?
I said, bitch, I don't fucking read. But we'll see.
Uncle Lazer. With a new minute. A few jokes peppered in there. I almost don't recognize the show with jokes. It's been such a crazy night. A lot of fucking bombardiers up here. I was like, if I can't follow that, I need to just go fucking sit on it. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I can't beat that, I just need to kill myself, sit out in traffic. Right. Absolutely.
What is that thing you keep doing with your tongue? What's going on there? You become more lizard-like every time you come on the show.
Well, I seen Ari's nuts up there, and let me tell you what. Uh-oh, look at that. It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there, you know what I'm talking about? Uh-oh.
He keeps that motherfucking thing on him. Oh, my God. Uncle Lizard is here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. Has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle? It's got Skittles in it. Look at it. It's got Skittles in it. That ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world. It's got shelves. There's veins. Oh, my God.
Don't pull on them like that. Why are you so rough with it?
Oh.
Oh, my God. The most sold-out show in comedy, and this is what goes on at it. We'll be right back. Deep Madness just said he's glad he's blind. Yeah. Deep Madness has no idea what's going on right now whatsoever. But he knows that something is not right. He can suspect. I do believe there's a smell or something that perhaps he picks up on. A certain energy.
The balls are in your leg. Watch out.
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