Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena. Massive, massive arena.
It's our only show in Europe. That is June 7th. I'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas, like the Maverick Center, just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th. Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater. The Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do stand-up in a legendary arena like that. In Anaheim, May 9th.
Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th. Announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing stand-up on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada.
july 18th vancouver september 14th and if you're a wrestling fan i will be hosting the roast of wrestlemania sunday night 420 after night two of wrestlemania right there in vegas huge guests huge surprises make sure you check out the sunset strip comedy club on 6th street and of course the comedy mothership shows will be going on sale soon for another big monday release we love you god bless america enjoy the show so
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yes. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land?
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Chapter 2: What upcoming shows and events are mentioned?
Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. A legend of the show joining us on trumpet, the jet ski Jesse Johnson. The great Matt Muehling is on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys. And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We are going to have so much fun tonight.
Before I get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, you're in for a treat. Luckily, I book this show, and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on.
This week is an extra special one, because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles. Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers. two of the most successful comedians out there. One has the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life.
Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston. Oh my God. Yes. Live in the flesh. Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston here in Austin, Texas. with the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life. Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy coming April 16th. This is very, very exciting to have you guys. You've been on this show before.
Derek's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership taking over Austin, Texas. One of the funniest people in the world. Say hi, Derek.
That applause was for me, I'm sure. I'm sure all of that was for your boy. You know what I mean? You fucking white niggas, let's party.
And the great and powerful Andrew Schultz. Hello, everybody. Back on this show. First time back since Madison Square Garden.
That's right.
That's what type of party we're having here. And life is good. You guys have been on this show before. You know what's going on. Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket. I'm going to have this guy with pubes for a beard. Wow, right off the fucking top. What a simple man you are, just the first thing. Ooh, that's a weird-looking name. This will be fun.
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Chapter 3: Who are the guests featured in this episode?
Oh, you can do that. You can see yourself as him.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! We love big dicks. That is, yeah.
So you use your imagination because there's no black guys in Ukraine is what you're saying.
No, but okay. And it is pretty.
We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple of years. Maybe war jokes. Do you know what... But, like... Son of a bitch!
But the classic thing is that, like, it gets... The more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like, the more tabs, you know... You know when the tabs, there are no letters anymore, just these fucking... And you're just looking for the one, dude. Then it gets pretty dark.
What is, just give us one thing before we get you out of here.
What do you mean?
One crazy thing.
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Chapter 4: What humorous stories arise during the episode?
All right. What do you do for work? I'm like a line cook. Yep, you're wearing the pants. That makes sense. I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants. They are. Yep, I had work. Okay, and how long have you done that for? About five years in total, I think. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years, wow. Where at?
Let's see, two years back in Albany is where I'm from, and then two and a half years here, I think. Okay, you must love it here compared to Albany, New York.
Yeah, it's quite lovely here, but the summers get to me.
I get stupid and hot, so hot and bothered or whatever you call it. Yeah, they're hot. But yeah, it's a nice place. Yeah, summers are hot.
Tony, you'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.
He's been cooking up. Jetski. Jetski. Okay. Who's on your shirt? My mom. That's Derek's mother. Penelope Poston. We all know her. We love her. It's Nina Simone. Oh, okay. But when I wear it, it kind of looks like Aunt Jemima. Wow. All right. Somehow that's the most racist part of the show so far. Very interesting. What do you specialize in cooking?
Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do Italian food. I like to mix it up. New restaurants, new flavors. You never know.
All right. What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss? Well, I literally just started. I staged yesterday and I got the job, so I'll start this week. Yeah. You're already wearing the pants. Well, I had another interview because I need a second job. So, yeah. You had an interview today. Do you show up with the pants today? This guy's dedicated, dude.
Imagine showing up in the shoe. You got the Crocs on, don't you? Yeah. Oh, this guy's good. Just in case they're, like, ready to throw you in there right now. Dress for the job you want. Am I right? Absolutely. Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Joven, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time. You're a dancer?
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Chapter 5: What insights are shared about audience reactions during the show?
We are witnessing a slow suicide. This is amazing. Are you happy right now? Is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you? Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it. Thank you guys so much. Yes. You should have heard them before you came out. They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent. No, very fun. I'll tell you what, Brian.
Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book. But you know what I'm going to do? Not only am I going to give you a big joke book, because if you're going to write a suicide note, you've got to do it right. But I'm also going to give you a delicious can of nicked spearmint nicotine pouches.
Chapter 6: What unique gift does Tony offer to the comedian Brian?
For me? It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps. Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities. There he goes. Brian Smith, everybody. Thank you so much. Holy shit. All right, let's have some fun. We're going to reset the room, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the best regulars in the show's history, a goddamn anomaly. Make some fucking noise for one of your favorite comedians.
This is Cam Patterson.
Yeah!
Hell yeah! Hell yeah! I think we as a people should research cucks. We need to look into them a little more. Nobody, that's weird to me. I think about it a lot. I have a theory on why people do cuck shit. I have an idea in my mind.
I think it start like real young, like somebody like seven years old and it's like a thunderstorm outside and you don't sleep in your mom's room no more, but you scared, you scared. So you got to go in your mom's room because there's a thunderstorm outside. You take your little teddy bear and your little blanket and you walk into your mom's room and she end up just getting donkey fucked.
Like, I mean, just head on foot. Just she getting, just demolished in your face. That's your seven. Seven, she just getting fucked, like, hard. Like, hard as fuck, man. And you go to the, who is this man? Why is she doing this? And why is my dick hard? And that's how it would get started, right? And I really think it's usually just white people. That's y'all's shit, really. Y'all, you clapping.
You scared me for that. That's terrifying. You're like, yeah, I like shit like that. Nigga, hell yeah. The scariest part about the cuck shit to me as a black man is like, I'm who y'all looking for, which is scary. Really, like I do shows all the time and people always come up to me like, hey, hey, she look good to you? You wanna fuck her? And I go, not for free.
I'm going to tell you something, man. I told y'all this on the show before.
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Chapter 7: What observations are made about the comedian's background and experiences?
My dick not huge, right? So I will feel weird going somewhere to fuck somebody's wife, and I pull my dick out, and then he go, nigga, I could have did this. I've been counting, I've been counting.
Pam Patterson.
That was great. You get that a lot on the show?
A lot. Wow. Yeah, a lot.
And you've never done it?
No, uh-uh. My dad want me to a lot, real bad.
Does he get a cut of it?
He want me to. No, he just want me like, come on, you don't want to do that shit? He always be like, nigga, you weak. You weak as hell. If I was 24 in your way, I would have fucked the shit out of that bitch. Let that nigga watch. My dad a weird nigga, man. He's a strange guy.
Yeah.
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Chapter 8: How do the comedians reflect on their personal lives and relationships?
Oh, he going missing for a couple hours. Somebody getting fucked. Some poor white lady getting fucked, dog. I told you that story when we was in Utah and he had this porn star, OnlyFans lady, and she was in the green room just showing her pussy. And my dad was like, this is the best day ever. I'm so excited for this.
It was crazy. Andrew makes a great point. He turned to me. He said it. Yeah. It is a white thing, huh?
Yeah.
100%. There's not a black couple in the world that would invite Red Band to... No, but that situation does happen a lot to comedians. Like these chuckle fuckers with their slutty wives and stuff. It's happened to you? Oh, many times. Many times. And it's disturbing because the girl's not ever hot enough. Lie detected. Dude, we're just such big fans. I really want you to fuck my wife.
It's happened to you too. Cam, what else is going on?
Man, other day I went to Canada. Canada was cool. Okay. Hell yeah, I seen a red-dyed Indian nigga for the first time. Oh, wow. Yeah, never seen one before in person. Is that because you were pointing your Glock at him? Tony, that was good.
That was good as hell.
Yes. You were at a convenience store and you go, give me everything in the room. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. The Red Dot Indians you have seen before. No, I haven't. You've never seen an Indian from India?
No, I've never seen one with the Red Dot, no.
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