Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives?
The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to WrestleMania. Tony, Triple H, have you seen these auditions? Hey. Hey, Tony. Last year. I became the most must hear. Rooster of all time. It's comedy you're looking for.
I don't like to brag.
Gotta be a part of the show. Let me show you what I can do. Is this thing even on? A priest and a rabbi walks into a bar.
I didn't really mean everything I said that night.
This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony, Saturday, April 18. Tickets on sale now.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Edgar!
Who's ready for the best night of their fucking lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red Band. And that is the best damn band in all the land. How about one more time for them, huh? Oh my goodness. Hello, everybody. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world. This episode's brought to you by Shopify and Quill. How we feeling tonight?
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Chapter 2: What are the highlights of the upcoming Kill Tony show?
You guys excited to be here? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Si, senor. You can't call ICE with the phones locked up. One more time for Matt Muehling. He's actually an undercover ICE officer. Fun fact. That's why he sits on the other side. And John Deese is on the keys, everybody. He is the man that put this whole band together.
And this right here is D Madness live in the flesh, everyone. We have an unbelievable episode ready for you. I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's gonna fucking happen, really. But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Boy, oh boy, do I have good news for you guys.
Every single week I book this show. This week, no different. Two of the funniest human beings in the world. Most importantly, two masters of podcasting. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites. I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the hosts of the Are You Garbage podcast. Two of the best. It's Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, everybody. Here we go.
Ace Rowling. Kevin motherfucking Ryan. Let's go. Two of the best guests in the show's history. They are on the Back on the Block tour. Tickets available at RUGarbage.com. Boys, gentlemen, welcome back. Thanks for fucking having us, man. Thank you, Tony. Here we go. Here we go. Thank you, Austin, for having us. Goddamn right. You guys have done this show numerous times before.
It's always, always the best fucking episodes. This bucket, as you know, is filled with hundreds, hundreds of names. They're all stacked on top of each other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy. There have been fights lately. There's people sweating all over each other. They have vodka tonic bags.
pitchers for like three dollars or something insane so people are like getting too fucked up they're trying to make money off these open micers that should not be drinking before the show before the opportunity of a lifetime if i pull their name out of the bucket it's simple they get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home and the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house you know they're 60 seconds is up and you're the sound of a kitten
It means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise. And then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them and their insane lives. And anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
We're gonna start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy, for literally the longest time, was the closer of the show. He is the Hall of Fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history. Most interviews in the show's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Blue Chew, the Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles great John Lennon, just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explains some of the songs he wrote.
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Chapter 3: How does the audience react to the guests?
Your thing's feeling what? Tony, my thing's feeling pretty good right now! Ah, no, now it's not feeling good. Sometimes those drums can sober your little boner up. I know, and also, Tony, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend, and I was doo-dooing in the... I was doo-dooing, and I get up, and I'm holding my cell phone, and it falls out of my hands, and I think,
Oh, my God, it's about to fall and all this shit. And I block it out of the way, and it ricochets off the side of the wall, and it goes right into my shit, Tony. It was horrible. And I had to go on stage 30 minutes before that. I mean, it was horrible. Okay, let's go one step at a time here, so...
At the point in which you look down and your phone's in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand? Do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach? I immediately grab it with my right hand. There's literally shit on the phone. Wow. It was horrible. It's like the 10-second rule, kind of. Thank you, Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you.
Yeah, I actually really, I agree with Red Band on that one, Tony. I really agree with it. So what, after 10 seconds then, what would you do? Leave it forever? After mozzarella sticks, not shit. Who better to have on the panel than the Are You Garbage guys that tries to find out when what is garbagey about people. And here he is. Literally, I go, the Hall of Famer, the biggest deal.
He's like, me drop phoning. And Tony, I also came up with my hole in my shirt. I also came with the hole in my shirt. Rebby, you just fucked that up, dude. I was just talking to Tony. Then he wanted a hole. Why do you do this, idiot? It's the beginning of the show, idiot. You do have a hole in your shirt.
Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make to not have a hole in your shirt?
Can I say that's a polo t-shirt that's been weathered in with a hole in its shirt. That's fine. Oh, you like it.
Rich guys wear that shit all the time. Foley also has holes in his shirt. That's what he's trying to say. And they ain't polo. But, Tony, no, I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shed. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there, and I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands. Let me ask you this.
Was there any residue, if you will, in the phone charger port or the sides? I think it was in the bottom part, because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened, and I'm starting to smell this shit, and I'm like, oh, my God, it's still in the bottom part. Wow. Hold on, Tony, my tank's feeling good again, man! Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow. I'm kidding. Oh, okay.
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Chapter 4: What unique experiences do the guests share?
The hot cocoa mix. Yes, it looked just like that. Absolutely.
Was it with marshmallows or without?
It was with corn, with yellow corn. Oh, absolutely. And red peppers. Ooh, red peps. You didn't digest the red peps? I did not. I had fajitas the night before. Ooh, my goodness gracious. You don't digest red peppers? I do not. It's kind of an anomaly. Red-headed people do not digest red peppers. They digest every other color but not red. You had San Diego fajitas the night before?
No, I just made some in my oven. You made fajitas in Europe? Can you take us through the process? Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show. Can I get a little fajita music with the horn section over there? And here we go. The recipe is fajitas, and this is William Montgomery's recipe. So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers.
You're going to want to cut those buddies up really nice and tight. You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you got them really clean, You want to start chopping those bad boys up really thinly sliced.
You want to get some chicken breast going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small, like you would imagine in a Mexican restaurant. Really get those things going. And then you get some of the pepper. It's some really good pepper you put on there and some salt and pepper. A lot of peppers already. Oh, my gosh.
And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes and you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven. Hold on a second. You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken. Salt, pepper. There's no onions in this mix? Yeah, there's some onions in there. I didn't hear onions.
Did anybody hear onions? I forgot to mention, the Blue Chew shit's messing with my brain. Oh, my goodness. Be careful driving on Blue Chew. Because it's really messing with my brain right now, Tony.
It only affects one of your heads.
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Chapter 5: What birthday milestone does Ari mention?
So I turn 40 on Wednesday. Okay, we know about that. You mentioned that the first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday, and now we're finding out that you lied and that it was actually five days ago, which is, I mean... Two more days.
Chapter 6: What surprising fact about Ari's birthday is revealed?
Oh, you turn it on Wednesday. This one. Wow. Oh, okay.
Chapter 7: What unique hobby does Ari share with the group?
Well, all right, so it's something you guys do not know.
I'm an ultra runner, so I run 50Ks and above. No, I really hate him. Yeah.
Go fuck yourself.
He's on a roll over there. He's like, bring back the little Caesar's guy. Let's get some pizza and get some pussy up here. It sucked, man.
Dickhead, dickhead.
Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best, best Oshkosh set. We're waiting for the release. We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much. There goes Chad Smith, everybody. You know, on an episode in which... My goodness. I mean, Heidi is just a machine. Keeping everyone hydrated. Unbelievable. There she goes. Perfect. All right.
On an episode in which we've been graced with the return of, oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny Football, Johnny Manziel. What's up?
Man, what a pleasure. This has been a long time coming. Thank you. I don't know about you guys, but I like the guy from Oshkosh. You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about friendship. Me and you have a good relationship. I run into the boys every show I come to.
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Chapter 8: What insights does Johnny Football provide about his past?
We have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20th, 30th time. You forget about some of your boys, you know? You've taught me about loyalty, all this, and I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you, like we do on occasion. Smoke a couple cigs, hang out, you know? Meet the boys. How do you leave... Pauly motherfucking Shore. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Let's mix it up a little bit. Johnny Manziel is bringing out Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. No, I didn't want to do it, dude.
I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude. I didn't want you to bring me into this shit.
Sometimes duty calls, my friend. Duty calls. Jury duty calls. Make some noise for the legend Pauly Shore, everybody. This is like the Royal Rumble Kill Tony episode. It's just I've been texting you.
I haven't been on here since about three months ago with Roseanne. I've been texting you. Ari, welcome back. Nice to see you, my friend. L'chaim, good yontif, good yontif to you. The Israelis are bombing Iran. I'm sure you're happy about that. Fucking cocksucker.
I'm surprised he didn't go... So... If Israel really wanted to bomb Iran, they would shoot a Chad Smith at them right now. Oh, I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here. So did you change your number?
No. Because why aren't you fucking texting me back, dude? No, but for real, dude, you're worse than fucking Bobby Lee, dude. I love how you thought he must have changed his number. But no, it's not cool. How long have I known Tony for? For a long time. And yeah, a long time. Give it up for Tony. He's a beautiful man.
About 20 years.
Beautiful. Beautiful, man. And I just, I don't know what happened, dude. You know what I mean? Why do I sit back during New Year's Eve and you tell him, I might just fucking, I might jump on this motherfucker, dude.
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