The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
With Love, The Balds with Trixie and Katya
Tue, 06 May 2025
Greetings, you luminous kitchen sprites! Today, we’re embarking on a journey — not just of baking, but of awakening your lifestyle & fashion demon through the delicate magic of edible flowers. Because why just eat cake when you can also accessorize it? STEP 1: DON'T GET YOUR BEGONIAS IN A BUNCHTo avoid a trip to the E.R., avoid begonias and instead find manufactured spiritual enlightenment with freshly-picked rose petals, pansies, or marigolds. STEP 2: CLEAN THOSE FILTHY FLOWERSRinse your petals in a bowl of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani from a secret spring in France, which you can find on sale for $80,000 per bottle, as regular bottled water tastes of mediocrity. STEP 3: BAKE THAT CAKE, B**CH Today, we’re making our signature probiotic pistachio lavender cupcakes with 24-carat gold flakes, Bavarian yak yeast, and crushed rose petals. As you whip the batter, be sure to say a prayer to a deity of your choice that you'll never know the pain of living in a house smaller than 50,000 square feet. STEP 4: DECORATION AS MANIFESTATIONOnce your cupcakes are baked and cooled, it’s time to place the rose petals atop the lemon lavender frosting, pausing every few moments to reflect on your life and think of all the ways you'll spend that $100M advance from Netflix. Remember that each rose petal is like a tiny love note from your recent meditation retreat in Bali. As you serve the cupcakes, don't forget to smile through your perfectly white veneers as you assert decoration dominance over your guests. Maintain eye contact as you devour the dessert in complete and utter silence, the sound of your ever-growing investment portfolio the only music your party guests deserve. Traveling this Summer? Consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you’re away. It’s the perfect way to earn a little extra cash to put towards your next vacation fund! Your home might be worth more than you think! Find out how much at https://Airbnb.com/host Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving! Cash Back rates change daily, so see https://Rakuten.com for details. Your Cash Back really adds up! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipsYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: https://workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is this podcast about?
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Chapter 2: Why should you avoid certain edible flowers?
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Chapter 3: How can you decorate your cake with flowers?
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Well, what the fuck, bitch? Chili and Barbary. Wait a minute. Let's talk about the New York tradition. Wait, there's a New York tradition? At your home. Oh, no. Is it cunty? Is it cold? Are you proud to serve it? Well... They had to airlift an air conditioner on top of your building. It was harrowing.
But the man who did it, I think he is a star. You know how sometimes you see like Barbra Streisand on stage gets a standing ovation? Every night. Yeah. This man needs that kind of adulation. He deserves it. Would you be willing to throw neck? Yes! Throw neck for AC?
Throw neck for AC of actually something.
I would crane my neck for AC. For the good AC. Baby, ground on me. Five-ton unit. I'm at the end. He had to go through the wires in somebody else's driveway. It was basically like Fast and the Furious, except not a lot of movement.
15.
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Chapter 4: What are the challenges of homeownership?
Like, I don't know how she materialized. I feel like she went through a wormhole because the floorboards are buckling. You're lying. I'm not lying. I'm like, he's like, hey, I want to show you something. I was like, something good? He's like, And he showed it to me and I was like, I was just in there three hours ago. I didn't notice that. It's just fierce. It's fierce. It's fierce.
You'll never buy a home again.
This bitch will be renting till the day she dies. Till the day I die. And let me ask you something as a homeowner, very successful homeowner. Do you think – so I'm at the point now, like, in terms of, like, fixing the place and renovating it where I have to make design choices. Sure. The only exciting part of this process. Right. Right. The only exciting part. The only – Autumn sunrise.
The only fulfilling part. The only good part of it. Right. Now, but I'm faced with a – It's like, do I make bold decisions that only I will love and that a future occupant perhaps will not love and that I'll have to change in order to sell the house? What do I do?
Can I say that the musical Rent is about the trials and tribulations of trying to pay rent, but the only thing worse than that is being able to pay a mortgage for a home that's decomposing in front of you. Mama.
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Chapter 5: How do you make bold design choices in your home?
She said it's like hiring a hooker that's dead.
You realize that she had no pulse and you're stuck with her the whole night.
Damn.
It sucks.
I mean, you got to fuck the dead body, but it's going to be gross. It's no, it sucks. I mean, I mean, I say having a landlord can suck too, because sometimes shit breaks and they barely care.
Yes. So that also sucks. That also sucks. I've certainly been in that position. I've rented most of my life. I have to say it is a much less stressful situation because you can also, the only thing at stake is your security deposit, your security deposit, and nobody gets it.
back so just you should really make peace with the fact that you never get yeah that's what um i think todd oldham is like you know what do whatever you want to that place because you're never going to get the deposit back amy sedaris called it a creativity fee yeah yeah that's what yeah say goodbye to it exactly shit on the walls shit on the walls and hang some pong pongs shit all over these walls ray uh so i got two black toilets coming now we need a third how many bathrooms do you have four you only have one functional bathroom right now it's zero
Yeah. You want to shit in my place? Gotta go outside. Find another toilet. Dig a hole. Damn. Go to the Wendy's. Ask for the code. I'm sorry. Yeah, it sucks. It's, um, you know, it's like, uh, it's a lemon. It's a lemon. I got a lemon. You're driving a lemon. You're living a lemon. You don't want to drive a lemon. Yeah. You don't want to drive a lemon because it's such danger. Right.
You know, like you're speeding down the highway at 95 miles an hour and then the car just explodes. Yeah.
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Chapter 6: What is the significance of Meghan Markle's influence?
And you know, I always wanted to go to Santa Barbara. You did? But I don't think we're going to have the experience I wanted because I wanted gorgeous beaches.
Oh, you want big little lies.
I wanted to go sit on a porch and have like a wine jam. Yes. You wanted to sprinkle some dried flowers. I wanted to use kind of like spices and kind of wear an Afghan and write a book. And instead we're going to the college.
Oh, shit. I want to share something, too. But maybe I should just shut the fuck up about Meghan Markle. No, let's go for it. OK, OK. So I'm obsessed with Meghan Markle. And, you know, ironically, of course, it's just so diabolical.
These email addresses that sort of like names, again, that you would never guess that I will give them at some point in their lives when they're older. But before I go to bed almost every night, I email them. I email because it doesn't have to be a heavy lift. And you email them like, here's your report card from today. Oh, my gosh, was it the funniest thing this morning?
Or here's a picture of you two having breakfast. Or here's you playing with the things that you're not going to frame, the things that you're not going to put pen to paper in a journal. But they will end up at one point in their life, maybe when they're 16 or when they're 18, that I say, here's an email that I've been keeping for you. I have full body chills right now. For your whole life.
Well, okay. Can I say, I think that what she's doing is kind of sweet, but full body chills. Full body chills. What happens if you fuck? You explode? I have full body chills.
I have full body chills. My problem with Meghan Markle is not her. It's this culture around her that allows her to be front and center. That host should be sent to prison. I have chills. Full body chills. I have chills. From emails that you're sending your future children, your children in the future.
The other one was when she was talking about the magic of sprinkling dried flowers over everything. Sometimes you just need a little magic in your life. And the- These bitches want to be Martha Stewart so bad.
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Chapter 7: How to navigate concert experiences as an older adult?
I can't imagine. Also, you're on stage, which is probably the place to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not in a sea of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guarantee the people in the audience are hotter. Yeah, sweating their butts off. If you're on the stage, you're getting a breeze. The do lab stage was beautiful. All the pictures, the flowing fabrics. It looks sensational. What a career highlight. And I, you know, um, did it for the glory and, and it got the paycheck.
Yes. And it got wonderful coverage with wonderful photos. Also happy. And I loved, I mean, I think the most important thing to come out of it, I think we can all agree is that you were the face of that article. I was there. Yeah.
Bitch. An article came out that said, like, Coachella goers pissed over $100 meals. And the picture is me from the back.
From the back. This response. Yeah. Local biggo. Catered by this bitch. Get out of here, bitch. This is a woman who paid $100 for a hot dog in the desert. Did you have $200 water? Well, this pig... Can I tell you what else happened?
Oh, God. We got this amazing new costume from Amy that's painted on pleather. It was so cool. It fit like a glove. We go to zip it for the first time. The zipper... I haven't even worn it yet. It's not even on my body. We did one fitting. It's not even on my body. We zip it down. The zipper goes off the track. It hits the ground. I'm on the tour bus. The show's in 20 minutes. I go...
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Chapter 8: What was the experience at Coachella like?
So then I put on a real corset under it. Okay. And then the one in the costume becomes just decorative. Oh, I see. So luckily we had a corset or it would not have fit because, you know. What would you have done? Nude. I brought back up costumes. Okay. But I had that made for Coachella.
But I did see videos on TikTok of straight people watching me, filming themselves going, and throwing shoes and stuff. Throwing shoes? Like, shut up, fagging Abel. Like, you know, man. like groups of like college age, Caucasian men being like making a scene out of like, yeah, since you're on stage and I'm here, I have to cheat out to the group and go like, yeah, just so you all know, that's gross.
And I would never suck a guy's dick. Certainly never fondle his balls or eat his ass.
But I would say to them, one of us is paying to be here. And the other one of us has a free acai bowl waiting for them off stage. So who's the winner? Who's the winner? And the devil laughs. And the devil laughs. I got a free veggie burger. And I went up and I said this. By the do lab stage. Oh, okay. I said, this veggie burger was really good. And this evil twink turns around and goes, really?
I don't even know what I'm doing. I go, work. But also the truth is with veggie burgers, you can't poison someone. No. Worst thing that can happen is it's too cooked or not cooked enough.
Yeah.
But it was delicious. It's vegetables. I haven't had a burger without cheese in a long time. Just the bun and the cheese out of here. Thank you. For a second.
Thank you. It was really good. Oh my God. I feel so seen. Yeah. I'm the only person I know on this planet Earth who will only eat a hamburger with nothing on it. Honestly, I may be a convert. It was delicious. If the meat is quality...
But you know how people are. They don't just want to have sex. They want the finger up the butt. They want the cocaine. They want all of it. You know what I mean? Everybody's so extra. I'll take the sex minus the finger minus the cocaine. My version of that is if I'm going to eat three bowls of Fruity Pebbles, I'm going to get absurdly high first. Okay.
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