How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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How do I tell my kids he’s not their father?
How do I tell my kids that they were conceived with fertility treatments using donor sperm and that their dad is not their biological father?
Ah. I'm going to sit with your 21-year-old one day and they're going to say if they lied about this, then they probably lied about everything else. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well. It's been a rough week, if I'm being honest with you. There's lots going on in personal life, friends and family. And just know... This show is about real people going through real stuff. And I'm not immune to it either. And so just know that I'm in it with you. And I'm a dad trying to do the next right thing. I'm a husband trying to figure out how to do that well. And I'm a son and a brother and a sister and a grandkid. And I'm just trying to do that stuff right. And it's hard, man. It's messy out there.
And I think that's the origin of the show is always dreaming that I had someone I could sit with. And sometimes I did. Sometimes I didn't. And that's my commitment to you guys. I'll be here. I know a lot of you are struggling with stuff and there's nobody to call. And that's what this show is about. Your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your friends going through hard stuff, family stuff, whatever you got going on. That's my promise. Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. If you're a thousand years old, that calls toll free. If you don't know what the words toll free mean. That means you're probably born in the century. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Kelly, do you remember when we used to have to have a long distance card to call anybody that wasn't in our area code?
Oh my gosh, I had not thought of that in forever, but I, yeah.
Like when I went to college my freshman year, I had a calling card memorized, just a number memorized, so I could punch in 16 digits to then call a friend.
When I moved here from Texas, my mom got me a calling card so I could call home.
So you youngsters, listen, if the number had a different area code, you had to pay by the minute to talk to them, which meant they had to be a smoke show, right? Or in Kelly's case, they had to maybe be a potential makeout partner. Otherwise, that call is not happening. What does that mean? I was talking to myself and I just saw you.
Or if you want cell phones came out, you only talk to him after nine.
After nine because it was free. But every text message, you pay text by the minute. Like you'd be like, I'm out of text for the month.
Right. That's bananas. I remember that. You text and you look up and see how many, like, dang it, I got like 10 days left and no text.
Jeez, man. Now you can just chat GPT architectural drawings or something. I don't know what's happening in the world, but oh my gosh. I'm so glad y'all are with us. Let's go out to Orlando, Florida and talk to AMY. What's up, Amy?
Hi, Dr. John.
What challenges do parents face when sharing difficult news?
How's it going?
Good. It's awesome to talk to you.
You too. What's happening?
Well, my question is, how do I tell my kids that they were conceived with fertility treatments using donor sperm and that their dad is not their biological father?
Ah. How old are they?
11 and 13.
Who's having the biggest trouble with this conversation? You or your... Are you married?
Yes.
And so do they know their dad, the guy who's raised them, do they know him for their whole life?
Yes.
Okay.
He's on the birth certificate. He's their father since birth.
Excellent. Okay. So who's having the biggest problem with it?
I don't think either one of us are having a problem with it. It's just... We just don't know how to approach this subject. You know, it's not a question of if we should tell them. We want to. We want them to hear it from us, not find out by chance someday doing a DNA test.
Yes. And those are becoming ubiquitous. Yeah, your instincts are right. They 100% will find out.
Right.
Yes.
And back when we were going through this, it wasn't really... I mean, we thought about that future, but it was more that... we just deeply wanted the kids and we were going to make our family this way. Um, but now we know for sure they are going to find out someday and we want them to hear it from us.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
How do I tell my kids he’s not their father?
0:05–2:59
2
What challenges do parents face when sharing difficult news?
2:59–35:51
3
How can parents approach conversations about donor sperm?
35:51–41:29
4
What are the implications of telling children about their biological father?
41:29–45:56
5
How do I navigate family dynamics with in-laws?
45:56–58:26