A guide to casual relationships
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What does “casual” actually mean and why is it so confusing?
So many people don't actually have structure around what casual means for them. They hope that it's going to lead somewhere or they just say, hey, I'm not ready for anything. And there's all the grey kind of in between. If you want to be casually dating, look at it as more of an arrangement. Say, this is why and this is how I want it to
look. Casual relationships are supposed to be easy breezy, no strings attached affairs. No feelings, just sex. But also maybe a bit of friendship. And maybe some hanging out. And a couple of drinks here and there. And actually, is this starting to sound like a relationship now? If you're confused, understandable. See, Paul got in touch with us because he was in that murky territory between casual and something more. He wanted to know how to get through this complicated sitch. What's expected, what's normal, how close is too close, and how to make the leap from casual to serious. Hey, I'm Nat Henchich, and this week I thought I'd enlist the help of an experienced casual dater, Delaney from Melbourne, who's seen the best and messiest of it.
I have had a lot of experience in casual dating and to me, casual dating is kind of like a friends with benefits type situation where you don't really feel romantically inclined to that person or what have you. There's no idea of exclusivity or expectations of I need to see you X amount of times a week, nothing like
that. After eight years of serial monogamous long-term relationships, Delaney found herself not feeling herself.
I found myself really losing who I was as a person, losing all sense of my own identity in these monogamous relationships. You forget what you loved and what you wanted to do with your life.
She wanted to try having a relationship on her terms. keeping her own independence and kind of being
selfish. I think casual relationships, if you're so inclined, are a good way to learn more about yourself and how your interpersonal relationships work.
While she's had pretty good experiences overall, sometimes keeping things loose and less defined can backfire.
When I started casually seeing someone, he was quite intense. He would constantly be messaging me saying things like, I miss you, I want to see you again, but also never made time to do so. So I kind of got sick of that and was like, hey, what is happening? What's going on? and he told me that he did want to take it further and he wanted to date me properly and I agreed to that but from that point onwards he was very kind of slack I want to say wouldn't really make time to hang out or anything would constantly be saying that he missed me and wanting to see me but would never commit to anything and that's what I found frustrating about the whole situation and like we'd hang out and stuff and he'd tell me about dates he was having with other girls or men sometimes
and he'd be telling me about like what they would get up to and as soon as I started talking about anybody else he'd be like look I really don't like hearing about that and it was this weird possessive thing he had where he didn't want me touching other people or being with other people but he was free to do that kind of thing which was really strange so I got sick of it was kind of just like hey dude this isn't working for me I'm done I absolutely believe that people use the term casual to take advantage of the vagueness of casual dating in a way where they can be like in some ways controlling of what the other person does while still being able to get away with whatever they want to get away with without that clear definition of like having those conversations and being like are we exclusive or are we just hanging out or what's happening
it's definitely a way where people can have their cake and eat it too, I reckon. So how do you avoid that? I am a huge fan of having open and honest conversations. When I meet someone new, I tend to be like, hey, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I don't think this is going to go anywhere. Let's just hang out and have some fun.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What does “casual” actually mean and why is it so confusing?
0:01–7:16
2
How can you turn a vague casual hookup into a clear arrangement?
7:16–14:23
3
Why do people use “casual” to avoid responsibility and how can you stay accountable?
14:23–20:27
4
What are the warning signs that a casual partner is becoming controlling?
20:27–27:53
5
How should you set boundaries and communicate expectations early on?
27:53–28:42