Should you have sex on the first date?
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What is the central question about having sex on the first date?
Hi, I'm Lana. My purpose is to put the guests on the path towards making deeper and more meaningful connections. Do you
believe that holding back from sex leads to more meaningful relationships? It's an age old theory, but as you've heard, we're still being told it's a thing. You heard Lana. She's the Alexa equivalent on this new dating show on Netflix called Too Hot to Handle. And she reckons that abstaining from sex is the key to finding deeper connections. But is it really? And why are we still being sold this narrative? And where did it even come from to begin with? Nat Tencic here, and in this episode of The Hookup, we'll chat to one of the contestants from the show and figure out whether there's anything wrong with having sex on the first date. But first, meet Cassie. She's all for going straight to the bedroom, but got in touch with us because she's finding it never turns into anything more.
So normally, like, I would go on first dates. And what would happen was, you know, I've got needs, and so I would sleep with the guy on the first date. But nothing ever came after
that. There
was never any long-lasting relationship. There was no really any text messages. If it was, it was, like, a very casual thing. It wasn't a, hey, let's go for another date. It was like, hey, let's come back to my house. And so I started to think, like, you hear in the movies, you hear that classic, like, oh, you know, first date, you know you sleep with someone but maybe wait on the third or fourth date you sleep with them and that means they're no wife material but on the first date they're quite not um so I was always interested to see like what guys would think as well if they thought that as well like if they had if they slept with a girl on the first date that means not like a very casual relationship or maybe if it's on the third date okay maybe this will be a long-lasting sort of relationship
I don't know, I just thought about, like, is it a respect thing? And also just didn't really like the idea that, like, girls had to wait as well. Like, it was just always up to the girl. The guys seemed to always be quite keen, but the girl had to wait, you know, three or four dates to be able to get that relationship that was a bit more serious. So, yeah.
Totally. And was that something that you tried? Did you try and wait to see what would happen?
So I never really tried, we'll be honest about that, only just because, you know, you've got needs and all that sort of stuff. See, I never really tried, but I always just pondered the question, like, if I did, would I get a boyfriend out of this or would this be more of a serious relationship?
So did these guys just basically ghost you? Like, did they just drop off? Were they, like, really pursuing you at the start and then just disappeared after you had sex with them?
Yeah, yeah. So, like, however I met them, whether that be through Tinder, Bumble, when I was out one night or was it through a friend of a friend, they always seemed really keen. They were always like, hey, like, let's hang out, let's grab a drink or let's grab dinner. And then the minute after you go back to their house and you slept with them, that was it.
Why does Cassie think having sex on the first date never leads to lasting relationships?
It was just, they weren't interested anymore. And that was the end of your sort of relationship. You were just there.
And so you, you want to hear like why it happens. Is it a thing? And what, what, what's going through guys' minds? Is that what you're wanting to find out?
Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like, I would just love to know what they thought. But I would also just love to remove the fact that, like, girls have to wait anyways. I just sort of hate that idea. But, yeah, I would love to know what guys would have thought about that.
OK, so girls don't have to wait. But there's definitely this idea that if you do, it's better for the relationship in the long run. But where does this idea even come from? And why does it even exist? Like Cassie said, it's pretty effed up and unfair. Dr Lauren Rose-Warn, lecturer in the School of Social Sciences at University of Melbourne, says it stems from her ideas around women and virginity.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the central question about having sex on the first date?
0:00–3:01
2
Why does Cassie think having sex on the first date never leads to lasting relationships?
3:01–5:54
3
What historical and cultural reasons explain the “wait before sex” mindset?
5:54–8:16
4
How does the show *Too Hot to Handle* test the idea of abstaining from sex?
8:16–12:12
5
Did the contestants on *Too Hot to Handle* actually form deeper connections by waiting?
12:12–16:10
6
What does relationship therapist Chantelle Otten recommend for first‑date communication?
16:10–18:35
7
How do real‑world stories like Aidan’s challenge the “wait” rule?
18:35–19:43
8
What practical advice does the host give for balancing sex and emotional connection?
19:43–20:09