855: That’s a Weird Thing to Lie About
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Why do people tell unnecessary lies?
A quick warning, there are curse words that are unbeaped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org. Casey's autistic. She says it's puzzling, neurotypical people and how much they lie. She's not alone.
Yeah. In our support groups, that issue comes up a lot. For some people, it's very puzzling and they just don't understand the concept. And especially because so often, lies are just completely transparent.
She gave me this example. When she worked in HR, they caught this guy who was having an inappropriate relationship with his administrative assistant. A naked picture of her was on his work computer. And still, he denied it, kept lying.
It's just baffling to me. It's just, it's inexplicable. I don't understand the continuing in the lie. And I don't understand why they haven't learned at an earlier point that it's not productive, that this is not an effective tool for you.
Looking around on Reddit, we found a lot of autistic people writing about this exact thing. Here's somebody who posted saying, I recently realized that a lot of things I'd always categorized as lies are not seen that way by NT people, neurotypical people. Like, they say it knowing it isn't literally true, but they don't think of it as a lie because they don't expect others to believe it. For example, here's some things that I always thought were weird, inexplicable lies. And then there's a list. It was great to see you. Let's do this again soon. I hope you have a great holiday. You are so funny. I love your hairdo. Where did you buy that dress? I need to get one too. Oh, wow. That's very interesting. See you later. They continue.
I've decided to start translating a lot of NT chatter from its literal meaning into a simple form of, hello, I want you to see me as friendly. So I am making friendly noises.
Yes. Do you relate? I do. You know, the white lies and the polite fictions and the pleasantries that go along with small talk, a lot of autistic people really do perceive that as lying. Yeah. For me, I recognize that it's a cultural structure rather than an intent to deceive.
And does that make it any better?
Absolutely. Absolutely.
She remembers when she realized just how widespread lying is for neurotypical people. She was a teenager, and she says she was heavyset from a heavyset family.
That's pretty normal to me. You know, I'm not offended by or afraid of the word fat. But a lot of the people that were my friends were very afraid of that word. And so they would say to me, oh, you're not fat. And for me, that was just baffling. Like, I understood that they were trying to be kind, but I couldn't fathom how they thought that would actually be believed or helpful.
Right.
I have a mirror. I know what I look like. It started to make me clue into this idea of white lies and polite fiction. And then, you know, with the teenage politics, you start to see people who, oh, I'm so happy to see you. Awesome. Let's hang out. And then behind the person's back, oh, my God, I can't stand her. She is just the worst. Yeah. So I started to catch on that this was not just widespread, but that this was considered appropriate behavior.
Now, of course, she's used to it. When I talked to her, she was just about to go to a conference where she knew people who barely remember her would be saying, so great to see you, and not mean a word of it. And she's okay with that. She ignores it, moves on. But she tries to keep things more strictly truthful. So you never lie?
I won't say never. I think of myself as sort of practicing radical honesty with tact. So I do my best to tell the truth in all circumstances.
I have to say, if that's your philosophy, I find it so interesting to think about what are the very few examples where you do let yourself lie, where you feel like that's the right thing to do. What are those?
So from a moral and scriptural basis, one is justified to lie to protect others from individuals who mean to do them harm. So, for example, there was someone in my life who was in a domestic violence situation, and I helped her to get to a safe place. And when her husband called, I said, I have no idea where she is.
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