158 | How Do I Stop People Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty?
episode
Choose Happy with Marie | Overthinking, Self-Doubt & Self-Trust
12 min
1 speaker
8 chapters
transcribed 1 month ago
Transcript
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Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Why do we say yes before checking in with ourselves?
Have you ever said yes to something before you even had a chance to check in with yourself? And then you spent the rest of the day quietly wishing you hadn't. Maybe it's a summer barbecue. Maybe it's a plan you agreed to, you know, out of habit. Maybe it's that familiar moment where saying no feels harder than saying yes. And then later in the day, the guilt shows up. Not because you did something wrong. but because you're not sure how to choose yourself without feeling like you've let someone down. If this sounds familiar, this conversation is for you. Today we're talking about people pleasing guilt and what it really means to begin choosing yourself again. Come on in. It's time to choose happy. Wherever you are, whatever kind of day you're having, this is your reminder.
You have a choice. If you're ready to break free from self-doubt and negative thinking, you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Marie, and this is the Choose Happy with Marie podcast.
How does guilt appear right after we agree to something we don’t want?
Welcome. Hello, how are you? I hope you're doing well and having a wonderful summer so far if you are listening to it when this episode goes live. I want to start with something really simple. You know, the classic summer barbecue. You get the invitation earlier in the week and at first you notice your immediate reaction. You don't really want to go. Not because anything is wrong with it. Not because you don't care about the people. You're just tired. You want a quiet evening. Maybe you want to stay home, sit outside, or do nothing at all. But almost immediately, another feeling shows up. And it's called guilt. That familiar thought, I should go. I don't want to hurt their feelings.
What is the deeper cause of people‑pleasing beyond being nice?
So you pause, you know, for a microsecond. You think about it. You weigh it on your mind. And before you even realize it, you are saying yes. Not because you checked in with yourself, but because it felt easier than the discomfort of saying no. And later, maybe on the drive there, or even after you've arrived, there's a part of you wondering, why did I say yes when I didn't really want to? This is where I want to begin today. And I used a summer barbecue as an example, but it can be any example. Because I don't think people pleasing is about saying yes too often. I think it's about losing touch with the moment where you could have checked in with yourself, but didn't feel fully safe to do that. We often think people pleasing is about being overly nice or too accommodating, but you know, it is accommodating at times, or not having strong enough boundaries.
And yes, I do think there is some truth to that. But I also think that people pleasing is what happens when we are connected more to others, how that is more important than us staying connected to ourselves. I don't want you to see it as a personality flaw. It's actually a strategy. And it's a very human one, actually.
How does constantly tracking others’ needs silence our own voice?
At some point, you and I, we learned that it's... easier to get along, that keeping things smooth mattered more, that other people's comfort mattered more. And slowly, without even noticing it, we've become so good at tracking everyone else's needs. their reactions, their expectations, maybe even their emotions. You and I, we learned to read the room, to adjust, to anticipate, to soften our own preferences so things would stay okay. And in doing that, something very subtle has happened. You and I, we stopped asking ourselves what we actually wanted in the moment, not because you don't have wants, but because the habit of checking in with yourself got replaced by the habit of checking out. So now even simple decisions like a barbecue invitation can feel surprisingly complicated and
Because the real question isn't, do I want to go? It's actually, will I be okay if someone is disappointed in me? There are a few moments where people-pleasing tends to show up in everyday decisions. For example, the first is the moment when you say yes immediately. before you've even had time to check in with yourself. Because silence can feel uncomfortable, and saying yes feels easier than sitting in that uncertainty.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do we say yes before checking in with ourselves?
0:00–1:16
2
How does guilt appear right after we agree to something we don’t want?
1:16–2:20
3
What is the deeper cause of people‑pleasing beyond being nice?
2:20–4:06
4
How does constantly tracking others’ needs silence our own voice?
4:06–6:18
5
When does people‑pleasing show up in everyday decisions?
6:18–7:39
6
What simple pause can we use to hear what we truly want?
7:39–9:02
7
How can we re‑frame guilt as a sign of new, healthier choices?
9:02–11:02
8
What daily practice helps rebuild trust with our inner voice?
11:02–12:18
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from Choose Happy with Marie | Overthinking, Self-Doubt & Self-Trust
161 | What If I Didn't Need Permission to Want What I Want?
160 | Why Is It So Hard to Put Myself on My Own To-Do List?
159 | How Do I Know What I Really Want in Life?
157 | Why Do I Overthink Every Decision Instead of Trusting Myself?
156 | Why Do I Feel Disconnected From Myself Even When Life Is Good?
155 | 3 Ways to Start Hearing Yourself Again