Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Hello, everyone. You made it.
Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Mood, and Chubbies. Hey, look, it's Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. Oh, my goodness. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen?
Our horn players got stuck on the runway in Virginia, but we have one beautiful Mexican here, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, Seth One joining us on the keys, while Deez is with Gary Clark Jr., and this is the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my goodness gracious, how exciting. So much fun planned.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're back, baby. We're back home where it all goes down in beautiful Austin, Texas. One of the best comedians in the world. One of our favorite guests ever tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of the great and powerful Sam Talent. Oh yeah, baby. Here he is. These people get it. We got some real comedy fans here tonight. Sam Tallent, one of the best in the world. We love him. Come on in. The great and powerful Sam Tallent is back. Welcome, Sam. Hey, I just want to commend you on your great performance on the roast. It was very good.
Thank you so much. This is the first episode back since then. First episode back in Austin. Who wrote those jokes? It was me. No, I watched it with my mother-in-law, and she was blown away. Yeah, it was amazing. She was. She's not an easy... That was a compliment. It was... It's very good. I love that. It went Drew Bledsoe than you, I think. Oh, you like Drew Bledsoe? I'm a big Bledsoe guy.
He sent me a case of his fucking wine.
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Chapter 2: Who is the guest comedian tonight?
And I'm not a big wine guy, but I got to tell you, I cracked one of these bottles open the other night, smoked a blunt, drank some wine. And it was so good. I ended up getting drunk all by myself. Just drank a fucking bottle of red wine. I think Drew does that a lot. Yeah, I think so. He had like puffy stop sign face. Oh, yeah. He's good. He licked his top teeth a lot, I noticed.
Yeah, because he was blasted on blow. Yeah, probably. Yeah. It's in his last name. It's amazing. It is amazing. We had so much fun. A lot of football fun out there. You're a big Bronco. Peyton Manning was there. That's right. There were some jokes I didn't get to do because I thought Peyton originally was going to be out there the whole time. And I probably shouldn't do it.
It doesn't make sense to do it. You guys want me to do it? Here. Here, I'll be Peyton Manning. Yeah, there he is. There he is. I'll be Burt. So I was gonna say, there's a cult... There's a cult and a... Thank you. Red Band, shut the fuck up. No one knows what the fuck you're talking about, you retarded retard. You want me to be Peyton Manning as Burt Kreischer? No, no, no, no, no. It's okay.
Let's just leave Burt out of it. Let's ignore everything that Red Band says. It's been a while since you've been a guest on the show. Let me remind you, Red Band, let's just ignore him completely throughout the night. Uh... We have a Colt and a Bronco here, and that's just Peyton Manning. And we have a Brown and a Steeler, and that's just Sam Jay. Because black people steal things.
Not D Madness though, because he can't find where our pockets are. All right. All right, Peyton. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Peyton Manning? Thank you. Sam has been on the show numerous times, one of the great guests in the history of the show. You know how it works. An extraordinary amount of people, 216 souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket.
If I pull one of their names, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them, the entire show is improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?
The first name has been pre-pulled, and while they wrangle them from across the street at Poor Choices, a bar here on 6th Street, we will start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, Fresh, off of an unbelievably unanimous decision victory in Los Angeles, California. He defended, and we used a fucking volume meter thing. What's that called? Fucking. Volume meter thing. Decimal.
Decibel meter. We used the audience. We used everybody. It was completely unanimous. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is the return of Hans Kim.
Thank you. Thank you, guys. I recently watched the Joe Rogan Experience, and I realized that watching Terrence Howard do math on Joe Rogan Experience is like watching an Asian play basketball in the NBA. Now I know how black people felt during Jeremy Lin. You guys ever notice that the more recently we bombed the country, the better their Uber drivers are?
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Chapter 3: What are the highlights of Sam Tallent's recent performances?
Very good. So are you drinking and shooting the AR-15, or are those two separate things?
No, Wednesday I did both. Okay. Are you hitting targets with that? Sometimes, yes.
Do you use, like, toothpicks to lift your eyes open or something like that?
It's very hard for me to see. I have a... I'm left-eye dominant. What? I'm left-eye dominant, so when I hold the gun out, it's like, I got to go like that. Whoa.
What? Left-eye dominant. Yeah, it's good for baseball. It's even better for TLC. Absolutely. It was bad for Andre Rison, though. That is true. You've seen the video with Left Eye, her last moments with the Coca-Cola, and she's driving, and then she swerves. You've seen it? There's a video of her dying. No. Yeah, there's a famous video of her... We jerk off to different things, Tony.
I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but... I'm right-hand dominant. Uh... But no, there's a video of Left Eye famously in her last moments, and she dies by pulling what we would call a Hans Kim into a tree. That's a car accident, everybody.
I'm actually trying to buy Red Band's car right now.
Oh.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: How does the show format work?
Who wants one? There you go. All right. You look healthy, you know? Whoever you got your hair from had a good hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Yes, you're welcome. Yes. It is incredible. That is, how many Dalmatians have you tried to kill? The hairstyle is incredible. More than I can count, yeah. Right. So you're a stripper and a sex coach. This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had a sex coach on this show before. What can you teach us? I'm right here. Anyone need any tips? This is all you need.
This is all, this is it.
That really is. Come hither! That is true. Not bad. Go ahead, give us some of your great advice. Like, what is your, if you're a sex coach, what would your, like, fumble-rooski play be?
So, a lot of it has to do with communication, right?
Boring! Oh, welcome to the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, out of all the sex coaching, nothing better than talking to a loved one. Oh, don't you just want to hear their voice some more after a long dinner? Wouldn't it just be great to talk about what you want? Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Duh! What else? All right, all right, all right.
Oh, no, Hans did something brave.
He finally earned a headline.
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Chapter 5: What is the significance of Fiona's arrival in Austin?
Uh... Denver legend, Roseanne. Absolutely. And Fiona, you too are now an Austin legend. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Enjoy the rest of your week. You're on The Secret Show. You're doing it. We love you. Time to back that ass up.
Chapter 6: What are the thoughts on Diddy's recent incident?
Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen, follower on social media, F-I-O-N-A-C-A-U-L-E-Y. Cauley, C-A-U-L-E-Y. One more time for Fiona. You can run into him. He's blind. It's okay. It's all good. He's blind. It's all right. He's fine. Oh, red band. Red band, you're out of control tonight. Jesus Christ. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,
It's time for a legend, one of our esteemed regulars, one of the best ever in this show's history. Make some noise for one of your favorites, the one, the only Cam motherfucking Patterson.
All right, let's talk about beating bitches. So listen. I know y'all seen that Diddy shit.
Chapter 7: How does Cam Patterson's performance shift the mood?
Diddy was hittin' that girl in that elevator. You seen it? Did you see it? Fuck you then. Nigga's not for you. If you did see it though, Diddy be the bitch. And a long time ago, and my auntie a thug. My auntie a real street nigga. And she sent me the video. And she was like, hey, fuck nigga. You becoming somebody in life. Don't be beating hoes. Dot, dot, dot on camera.
What kind of fucking backwards ass advice is that, dog? Like, I'm gonna be like, oh shit. Oh, never mind. Come over here real quick, bitch. That's crazy, bro. The crazy thing about the Diddy, the Diddy thing to me is like, I was always taught in my life, I don't, listen, look at me. I do not think hitting women is cool. It's not dope. You shouldn't do it.
I was taught in my life, if you're gonna be good at something, be the best at it. And that nigga did it pretty fucking good at bitch beating. Listen, I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I can never tuck a towel and walk one step.
This nigga tucked a towel around a fucking hallway and then kicked it with full velocity without the towel untucked. Listen, if I had to rate him like he was a diver, like he was a professional diver, I'd give him a nine. You feel what I'm saying?
Chapter 8: What insights does Jacob Jones share about his life and comedy?
All right, that's it. Thank y'all so much.
Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson. Talking about beating bitches and tucking towels. Come on, man. Love it. If you need help learning how to tuck a towel, the comedian Tanvir can show you with his head wrap. Hey, that nigga gay, man.
I didn't know he was gay, man.
Yeah.
That's crazy. I think he's exploring. Nah, that nigga, first of all, to be like, I want to do some gay shit, but I'm going to suck a dick first is crazy, right? No. What do you do? Nothing. None of that.
The moment maker Cam Patterson. Hard at work.
Even though I do love gay people.
Hell yeah.
I love it. Hell yeah, man. Keeping the gays on your side. You got to say it. You got to tell them that. I love y'all niggas, man. Real shit.
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