Bondi Spins Out Over Epstein Questions & Olympian Confesses Affair on Live TV | Andrew Jarecki
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Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm George Klepper. We got so much to talk about tonight. Trump tells Canada, you shall not pass. China will let you know when you're dead. And if downplaying international sex rings were an Olympic sport, Pam Bondi would take home the gold. So, let's get into the headlines. Let's kick things off with something uplifting. The Winter Olympics are underway, and if there's one thing I love, it's those post-victory interviews where medal winners from around the world just radiate pure joy. I can't get enough of it. Congratulations so much on Olympic bronze.
How are you? It's been the worst week of my life.
Okay? Little less joy than I expected. That was Norway's Sturlaholm Lagarde, who won bronze in the biathlon. But he got a bronze. I mean, I know it's not gold, but it's still bronze. So why is he so upset?
Half a year ago, I met the love of my life, the world's most beautiful, finest person. And three months ago, I made my biggest mistake, which was cheating on her.
Okay, not how I would have celebrated in a post-game interview. I would have gone with a thank you mom and dad or a thank you God. But, you know, instead you went with, guess what world, I can't keep it in my pants. Buddy, buddy, there are other ways of dealing with your guilt. How about, I don't know, flowers? An edible arrangement? Or burying the shame deep inside you and letting it fester until it explodes in a public meltdown in the freezer section of Trader Joe's? I need a pizza for one because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! And by the way, if I was listening closely, did I hear that right that you met her six months ago?
What are the latest revelations about Pam Bondi's testimony regarding Epstein?
I mean, you guys weren't even dating long enough to fart in front of each other. You were still in that honeymoon phase where you pretend you need something in the other room and go fart there. You know what? You know what? If repairing your six-month situation ship is that important, I guess it's fine to hijack the news cycle to talk about it. I'm sure your teammate, who won the gold, had nothing more important to draw attention to. And it was an emotional win for Norway's Johan Olav Botten in men's 20-kilometer individual biathlon, though an agent dedicated it to his late teammates, who died unexpectedly in December. Oh right, our dead teammates. I was between honoring him or talking about how much pussy I was getting.
Dude, come on. You hijacked that to try to win back your fling? This is basically like if instead of interrupting Taylor Swift, Kanye had interrupted the In Memoriam segment. You know what? You know what? Love is a rocky road sometimes. And if this big display helped our boy get his girl back, it was all worth it. Well, speaking to a Norwegian tabloid, the former girlfriend says it's hard to forgive what he did and that she did not appreciate him making their private issue so public. Uh... Shit. Well, you know what? Look at the bright side. You didn't get your girlfriend back, but every woman you date from now on knows you can't go three months without cheating. I mean, no things aren't going well for you when even Lindsey Vonn is like, this guy's having a bad week.
I mean, what a mess. This is why I'm always saying we need to keep men out of men's sports. You don't see the women's teams having this much drama.
In the women's 15K individual biathlon, the gold goes to Julia Simone of France.
Last fall, she was found guilty by a French court of theft and credit card fraud and given a three-month suspended prison sentence after stealing the credit card numbers of a teammate.
What?
What? What? What is it about this sport where you voluntarily freeze your genitals off in spandex and shoot guns that attracts so many lunatics?
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