Consent Part 2: Enthusiastic consent
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What is enthusiastic consent and why does it matter in the bedroom?
Enthusiastic consent requires constant check-ins, informed, sober, ongoing and exuberant, wholehearted yes to what is unfolding. And it involves listening to subtle body processes and also being aware of the social context and expectations. So it's pretty
complex.
Hey, I'm Nat Tenchich, and this is part two of our podcast miniseries on consent. On this podcast, we look at what enthusiastic consent is and how you can apply it in the bedroom. You'll hear from psychologist Dr. Stephen Andrew on why some might think they have consent when they don't. Dr. Nikki Goldstein joins us on how and when you can change your mind, and we'll find out why some people endure sex they're not 100% into. But I started by asking sex therapist Tanya Coons how we define consent.
It's an agreement. It's an agreement about what's going to happen, what might happen, what might not happen, and what's not going to happen, right? And what it's for. What are we doing here, right? Right. So it's actually making things very clear for people.
Can you make things clear non-verbally, I suppose, is the main thing that came up
in our
conversation just before.
Well, yeah. So non-verbal signs that you're out of consent are things like facial expressions. You could have a frown or a furrowed brow or people, if you're in the bedroom, people might squeeze their eyes shut or clench their jaw if something's happening that they don't like. People can look startled. People can look vacant. People can fidget. People can clench their hands. People could flush or go pale. People can start breathing quickly. We get sweaty palms or sweaty feet. And sometimes people just move away from your touch. So all of these things, if we start looking for them, can become very obvious.
Tanya, we've heard the cup of tea metaphor quite a few times. Maybe, first of all, can you explain the cup of tea metaphor for anyone who hasn't heard it? And then really, are things as simple as that?
I think the cup of tea metaphor was a good introduction to consent, but things are not that simple. There was a nice little video that went around a lot of social media showing people making cups of tea and the cup of tea was meant to represent sex. So if you offer somebody a cup of tea and then they fall asleep on your sofa, do you pour the cup of tea down their throat? No, you don't. If somebody asks you for a cup of tea and then says, no, thank you, I don't want a cup of tea anymore, do you insist that they drink the cup of tea? Are they allowed to change their mind? Are they allowed to get a different cup of tea? So they just used a cup of tea to sort of make it, you know, really, it looks so ludicrous forcing someone to do all of these things.
But when you put sex there, all of a sudden it's like, oh, geez, that's a little bit familiar.
So what are the, are there any issues with that metaphor or is it really that simple? Is it that easy?
It can be that easy. I think what we need to be teaching now is that consent is an ongoing thing as well. So it looks like, hey, do you want a cup of tea? Yes or no? I think the videos actually show that people can withdraw consent or people can change their minds. But it's a very nuanced thing because what it doesn't take into account is what if your boss offers you a cup of tea and you feel like you have to take it, right? Mm-hmm. Um, what if, uh, somebody three times the size of you offers you a cup of tea and you feel like you have to take it? You know, there are things, you know, around structural oppression where, where certain people feel like they can't say no in certain situations, right? And that's because of the way that the world's set up.
And if people don't understand oppression, that probably means that they're quite privileged and have never had to experience oppression. Feeling afraid, feeling unable to say no, feeling treated differently, receiving less pay, receiving less opportunities, all that sort of stuff. And that comes into play with relationships and sex as well.
Yeah, so that's a couple of the reasons why people don't say what they don't want.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is enthusiastic consent and why does it matter in the bedroom?
0:00–8:51
2
How does the cup‑of‑tea metaphor illustrate consent and the ability to change your mind?
8:51–19:40
3
Why do people struggle to give or withdraw consent in the moment?
19:40–32:38
4
How should you respond to sexist or harassing comments at work?
32:38–42:51
5
Can you take away consent after the fact and still feel okay about it?
42:51–44:41