S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
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Why do we feel drained when helping others?
Ever feel like you're constantly helping someone, but it leaves you just drained?
Yeah.
Like you're pouring from an empty cup. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. We're diving deep into Episode six.
OK.
Loving difficult people.
That's right. We're tackling that age old question. Yeah. Is it even possible to love someone and protect your own well-being?
Right.
Especially when that person as well. Yeah. Difficult.
Exactly. This episode really hit me hard because It uses this story of Mel and Janine.
Oh, okay.
Mel is constantly rescuing Janine from one crisis after another.
Right.
To the point where she even misses her own son's graduation to help Janine move.
Oh, wow.
Sound familiar to anyone out there?
Oh, yeah. I think we all know a Janine.
So the episode dives into this concept called the dopamine trap.
The dopamine trap.
Can you tell me more about that?
Yeah, so it's like those slot machines in Vegas, you know? That unpredictable reward keeps you pulling that lever, even though, you know, it's bad odds. With rescuing, you get that little hit of dopamine every time you save someone.
That feel-good chemical.
Exactly, that feel-good chemical. But just like gambling, it can become a compulsion, even an addiction.
So you're saying I might be getting a helper's high.
Yes.
But it's actually messing with my brain chemistry.
It is.
Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
Sounds good.
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. That's kind of scary.
It is kind of scary. And what's even scarier is that your body is also sending you stress signals.
At the same time.
At the same time. Oh no. Yeah. The episode mentions that chronic rescuers have cortisol levels 30% higher than average. Okay. Cortisol is that fight or flight hormone. So essentially you're getting this helper's high while your body is screaming danger.
Wow.
Yeah. That's how twisted the cycle can get.
So it's not just emotionally draining. It's physically stressful, too.
Exactly.
I never thought about it like that.
That's where the science of rescuing comes in.
Okay.
The episode touches on this concept of mirror neuron burnout.
Mirror neuron burnout.
Yeah. You know how you cringe when someone stubs their toe?
Oh, yeah.
That's those mirror neurons firing, allowing us to empathize.
I see.
Now imagine Janine's drama playing on repeat in your head.
Oh, no, thanks.
Right. So those neurons, they just burn out from overexposure.
Essentially, yes, we're wired for empathy, but there's a limit.
There is a limit.
Right. And when we hit that limit, we become less able to connect with other people's emotions.
Right.
Even when they genuinely need our support.
What is the 'dopamine trap' and how does it relate to helping others?
Exactly. And this is where it gets tricky because it's easier than you'd think to misjudge our help as good. We're wired for connection. So even giving bad help can feel better than doing nothing at all.
So what's the solution? How do we break free from this cycle of rescuing without becoming like heartless robots?
Well, that's where the let them theory comes in. It's about shifting from a mindset of I need to fix this to I need to support your next step. It's about empowering the other person to find their own solutions, even if it means letting them struggle a bit.
Let them almost sounds like a hands-off approach.
Yeah.
Doesn't that seem cold, especially when dealing with someone you love?
It can, but the key is to ask ourselves, is my help preventing them from learning and growing? Am I sacrificing my needs for theirs?
So offering resources instead of rescuing.
Right.
Like giving someone a job lead is better than just giving them money.
That's the kind of shift that the let them theory encourages.
That does seem counterintuitive.
It is counterintuitive, but it's about long-term empowerment, not short-term relief. We think we're being helpful, but we might actually be stunting their growth.
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Chapters
4 chaptersSpeakers
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