Sam Tallent, Ari Shaffir, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 12/16/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the significance of December 30th and 31st for the episode?
The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.
snuggle up stay warm december 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored kill tony's live from the heb center in austin texas this is a new super annual amazing event it is our biggest two-night event of the year and we're super excited about it it is on sale now kill tony live.com get it for your loved ones get it for yourself love it or hate it live december 30th and 31st
Hey, this is Brad Bain coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! Let's go!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Welcome, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Esteban Viejo. Juan Cortez. Michael Gonzalez.
Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here, everyone. Very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And, you know, this is just one of those episodes that it's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest humans. Two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show.
Two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir.
The greatest, powerful Ari Shaffir. One of the GOATS of guests.
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Chapter 2: What events led to William Montgomery becoming a regular on the show?
So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second. Go wrangle them. What are the odds? Did you see the boyfriend? Don't worry, we'll do something you like next week. Yeah, yeah. Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of Wicked, you . Oh, you're fucked. Save space for Wicked.
It was the Wizard of Oz.
Oh, you're so fucked, and you're going to have to do it with your dick halfway out, too, if it's truly even Stevens. That shaft is going to be blasting with popcorn butter all over. If she has to be here with her tits half out, you have to watch Wicked with your shaft out.
Yeah, but no tip, just shaft. Yes. Because there's no nipples over here.
Yes, exactly.
It's called the quality, brother.
Exactly. And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that moneymaker. You know what I mean? Just like what happened here.
Nature is healing.
We're going to have some fucking fun tonight. And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a goddamn bang of unconceivable proportions. As you guys know, as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
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Chapter 3: How does Ari Shaffir interact with the audience?
And tonight we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all, yet I will still give him one. Some people call him the Victor of Van Nuys. Some people call him the Educator of Edinburgh. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. to start tonight's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of famer with more appearances than any comedian in history.
The most interviews in Kill Tony history. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.
Damn, let me see them titties, bitch. Holy shit. No, seriously. Pfizer is about to release a new version of the COVID vaccine, and the worst part is that it includes a new YouTube album in the syringe. Quick housekeeping note, tonight's proceeds will benefit the defense fund of Harvey Weinstein. I'm going to start selling shirts to say I survived the Me Too movement.
Let's be honest though, considering I've only talked to four girls in my life, including my mom, I didn't really survive the Me Too movement. It's like being locked up at Rikers Island on 9-11 and later you tell someone, yeah, I was there. Okay, that's my team.
William. One of the most loved humans in the history of the show. A master of likability. A master of charisma.
It is so nice to be here. And I think this woman, after I tell you, it's literally, this is, Tony, my six-year anniversary of being a regular on the show. So, bitch, I think you really... Who's that, your man right there?
Do some more crowd work. Ask them some more questions. You're just going to stop after asking if that's their man? You're not going to make a joke or anything? You're just going to nod along?
Now I feel awkward because she really does have some really nice titties, it looks like. I mean, look at those things. So when y'all have sex, do you get on top of them? Or does he get on top of you? Great question. Keep asking. How do y'all do it? How'd y'all do it last?
Huh? She said on top.
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Chapter 4: What challenges does Layman Merle Huber discuss?
Holy shit.
Yeah.
Brutal.
Yeah, pretty good.
Can we see one?
No.
Show us the bad one.
I'll give you $8 if I can see one.
Whoa.
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Chapter 5: What is the story behind J.P. Hinsdale's comedic journey?
I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life. It's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing.
There's no reason to look on the negative side.
And you know what? That's why you're leaving with some Zippix and nicotine toothpaste. All right. And a big joke book. I know that you're going to catch this. Do you believe in miracles? Yeah! Yee-hoo! All right, carry this fucking guy out of here. We got to keep this show moving. How about one more time for Layman Merle Huber, everybody? Oh, everybody's leaving all of a sudden. Oh, my God.
Not wrong. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of geniuses. Let's all go pay the same tax.
How about a hand for Zach, our security guy who's butt-fucking poor layman.
You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club. I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's pussy than lick a dude's butthole once. What would you do? I would lick the dude's butthole once. Really? Oh, yeah. There's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about that hangs around this. You have to see it.
You would pick the dude's butt. Trust me, one swipe of the tongue. Look, Red Band's with you, dude. Red Band's with you. He would eat the pussy. I've been there. It's all right. You've licked a dude's ass before? No, I massage girls, you know. All right, very good. Way to recover. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool was on the inside. We know this guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show. This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen. A real, like, famous, legit magician. Wes Barker. He's on the inside. Here he comes. He could be anywhere. It's one of you representing the audience here tonight. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? How exciting.
This is Wes Barker, everybody.
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Chapter 7: How does Tony Hinchcliffe engage with his guests?
It's nice and warm, though, isn't it? It is nice and warm. Yeah, yeah. And it's important because winter is coming. Oh, yeah. No birds are going to come stealing off you. No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, who are you... Who's sucking that dick? I...
I live in the dark corners of the world. How would you even get into it?
I'm literally curious where it is. What's that bulge down there? I don't know. Well, when you go like that, it disappears. You see that next to his left thigh? It's curdles.
Is that your neck? I'm not saying it's out of lust, but definitely curiosity is what drives them. Were you gay before or were you into women? I'm into both, but I had a rough run of it, so things are a little complicated for me in my brain. You had a rough run of dating? I had a rough run of everything, really. Yeah. How do I pee? Carefully.
Okay, very good question, John Dees. Yeah. Let's go back to you fucking anything that moves. Oh, yeah. Let's kind of stick on this subject here. So what exactly, like, what's actually going on here? I want to know what life is like for Jabba the Slut.
Oh. Definitely plenty of sci-fi conventions, you know. I'm, you know, I'm big on that, you know. You're big on everything. Yeah.
Yeah. Are you fucking people? Sometimes. You have the body of someone who's going to launch children into a lake.
I don't want to pay child support. I don't know what to say.
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