Hilary Silver
Appearances
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I recently did an episode called how I turn heads over 50 and it's gone somewhat viral. I've had more emails and DMS about it and more listens views and comments on YouTube than any other episode I've done. It sparked a lot of great conversation about how we feel about our appearance and about ourselves and about aging. Some of the comments were related to getting male attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It makes sense why some of you went right to thinking about male attention when I spoke about turning heads when I walk into a room. Because from the time that we are little girls, we are conditioned to believe that our worth and our value is derived from external sources.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We learn that there is a certain way to be in this world and if we are not that, then we will not be accepted, liked, approved of, that we aren't enough or that we won't belong. We learn that our worth is tied to what we achieve And we get praised when we do well and maybe even criticized if we fall short even just a little bit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We are encouraged to go with the flow, be nice, don't rock the boat, help others, and be a good girl. It's really all about what will other people think. And there is a lot of pressure on how we look, on our appearance, all so that we can get the guy and therefore we are then deemed lovable and desirable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We are only desirable when someone desires us, rather than just believing that we are worthy and desirable because we simply are. Maybe you've heard this. This is what I used to get. Be ladylike. What boy will want to go out with you if you act like that? We are conditioned to please and accommodate and be agreeable. And it has us seeking approval and acceptance and attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And that external validation is what makes us worthy and enough. And this is the most diminishing and disempowering message that we can give to girls. It is literally giving our power away. and handing it over to other people and other circumstances that we cannot control. And it's what most of us grew up with, even from well-meaning parents and moms.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And so then it follows, right, that as we age and our faces change and our bodies change and all the ways that it does, and in ways that we believe society or men or others don't value or find attractive, then therefore we aren't valuable or attractive anymore. We don't deserve the limelight, that we are systematically ignored and we become the invisible woman.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
That's what I talked about on the other episode, so I'll make sure to put the link in the show notes for you. But listen, my friends, this is all total and complete bullshit. All of it. And I just won't have any of it. And I don't want you to buy into it either. It's only real if you believe that it is. And I personally do not see it happening anywhere. And I do not feel it in my life at all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Some women thrilled they still get it, others lamenting its loss, and some relieved to be free from it. But here's what's so very interesting about that. Nowhere in that episode did I ever say anything about him. Not once. That episode was not about seeking or desiring male attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I'm 52 and I am only just getting started, yet people continue to talk about this. And I'm actually sick of hearing people talk about what society thinks of women or how we are portrayed. No one else gets to decide that for us. We decide that. Jane Fonda, who I actually love, has a quote, women are not forgiven for aging. Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old age wrinkles.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
But who is not forgiving us? And why do we need forgiving? And says who? Are we not more than half of society, all of us? We allow this to happen and we perpetuate it by buying into it. And then unknowingly, we continue to pass it along to our kids. We are complicit and in collusion and we don't even know it. When you keep telling the same story over and over again, it only reinforces it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So this has to stop. It stops with you. It stops with me. It stops with us right now. Just stop. We have to stop talking it into existence. Just stop telling the story. period. That is how you change a narrative. You literally stop talking about it and start only talking about the reality that you want to experience instead.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So there are three very important points that I want you to take away from this conversation today. First, To claim our personal power at any age is to be defiantly committed to being true to ourselves, rejecting the impositions and expectations that we must be a certain way or look a certain way to be good enough or worthy or desirable. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Your opinion of you is what matters and yours only. You are not here to make other people happy. You are here to make you happy. And you are not here to live a life someone else wants you to live. You are here to live the life you want to live. So stop chasing and seeking and proving your worth. No one else gets to determine that for you. Your worth is already inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It always has been because you were born worthy and you still are. Nothing has changed no matter what you have experienced in this life. When you operate under this assumption, you are impervious to external influences and become completely rejection-proof. You are self-defining and self-determining, an autonomous and fully sovereign being. Isn't that so fucking cool?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So that leads me to my next point. As we get older, we become what I call fully steeped, like tea. stronger, bolder, and more distinct in flavor, more fully who we are. And it's easier to care less and less about what other people think of us and to be more fully and fearlessly authentically ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It would be nice if this had been the case for us all along, and likely it wasn't for most of us. And we can only hope that the next generation of girls will get to be different. But we have to own this right here and right now. We have something the younger version of ourselves didn't yet have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
In fact, I specifically made the point that turning heads isn't about needing or seeking attention from anyone, including men. So the conversation today is a very important one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
The perspective, the wisdom and experience and the confidence and the knowledge of someone who has been there and done that. We carry a sense of certainty if... we give ourselves that credit and we let go of self-doubt. We can see looking back at all that we have learned. It's what we know to be true. And this is sexy and powerful and magnetic and radiant.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And it's what makes us captivating and alluring if we just rest in the feeling and the knowledge that this is who we are right now. This deep inner satisfaction and peace that comes from knowing we no longer have to try so hard or strive for that approval and validation and that we actually never did. It's how we feel about ourselves for us. I love to say this. I hope it sticks with you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
be irreverent to the fucked up conditioning that our worth and our value comes from what others think of us and that there is a specific way we need to be or look to have value and that we lose our allure, impact, or relevance as we age. It's actually the opposite and we get to decide this and we get what we expect in this life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Third, I'm going to say it again, turning heads at 50 or 52 or 62 is not about needing or seeking attention, not from men, not from anyone. It's not about who's looking at you. It's about the energy you carry, whether someone is watching or not. It's about knowing you are worthy of being seen and relevant and making an impact because you are important.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I'm telling you how to claim your own personal power at any age, what it takes for older women to be more magnetic and extraordinary than ever, and yes, how to turn heads when you walk into any room and why that is a good thing. This is a thought revolution, so I hope that you will stick around for some serious badassery. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
You are a gift and you have something to say, that you are valuable and you are beautiful in every way. So it's about walking into a room and knowing you matter. You deserve to be there, that everyone in that room benefits from your presence. And then at the same time, it has nothing to do with them at all. It's just about you believing this for yourself. It's your relationship with you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
You have the power within you to be a force for good, to be a positive influence and to raise the vibration. Your energy is powerful if you claim it. So yes, walk into any room and know that you turn heads, claim your seat on the throne, all hail the queen, and just sit there and radiate your high vibe energy. Yay, I just love this episode today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. Make sure to subscribe. And if you're watching on YouTube, click that bell so you get notified of all my videos so you never miss one. And I will see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
The world feels like it's on fire right now, doesn't it? I mean, between the stock market ups and downs and the tariff whiplash creating uncertainty for businesses, the political climate impacting the future that we're mostly usually able to rely on, on top of all the regular daily life issues that we have to deal with, it can just feel like a lot.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
All the things out there, the externals as I call it, the things outside of yourself, even in your inner circle of your personal life, you can't control your kids, your partner, even your well-trained dog can barf on your carpet when you're in the middle of a Zoom meeting, right? So the more certainty and predictability that you need
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
in order to feel calm and relaxed or to have peace of mind, the more you will suffer and struggle in life. But the goal isn't to calm the chaos out there, to try to manage it and become a master at solving any potential problem that can come your way. You simply cannot be an expert at all things, and you have no control over that. The goal is to become the calm.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
in here inside yourself to develop a relationship with yourself where no matter what is happening out there, you are the calm in the storm. And that is to be fully, deeply rooted in yourself, to be self-centered because you are the only thing that is certain. You. So there are five beliefs that when you accept them as true and begin operating with this as your belief system,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
will make you self-centered, rock solid, even in the most uncertain times. These aren't tips or tools for managing stress. It's about a new way of being, a new way of moving in the world, a new way of relating to yourself. So the first is to believe that in your life, you are always the problem and the solution. Most people stay stuck because they're waiting for someone else
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
All of the unknowns can cause even more uncertainty than we're used to dealing with. And uncertainty creates anxiety. People are feeling powerless, are preoccupied with worry, and are feeling like we really have very little control to do anything about it. It's destabilizing. If you're not feeling it personally, I'm willing to bet you know someone who is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
or something else to change. The focus is on what they are doing, how they are being, a spouse, an ex, a colleague, all the politicians, right? So it's easy to get caught up in the blame game, looking at how they did you wrong or how they faulted you in some way. And when we do that, we feel righteous, right? It makes us feel validated.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
that somehow it's going to make us feel better to blame these other things out there for how we're feeling. But it actually doesn't feel that much better, does it? So while all those wrongdoings may be very real and legit, focusing on that means you can't move on from the past or from a situation that has a hold over you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
because you can't fix a problem that is beyond your reach and you can't control other people. The only thing in your life that you fully have control over is you, your thoughts, your choices, your actions. So the first belief here, this principle that I want you to adopt and to just accept as true in your life is that no matter what is going on in your life,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
you are always the problem, which means then that you are always the solution. And I know you're thinking, how is it my problem that the economy is tanking or that my ex is a narcissistic butthole, okay? That's not what I'm saying. If you are struggling, with all these external things, then what is it that you are doing that is causing you the distress? Are you ruminating? Are you overthinking?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
Are you trying to fix everything? Are you tolerating? Are you boundaryless? If you simply accept this as true, instantly give yourself the power to adjust what you are thinking or doing that is causing your distress. It's not harsh and it's not about blaming yourself or victim blaming yourself in any way. It's about radical ownership. And it's actually the most liberating thing I can tell you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
When you recognize that you are always the common denominator in your life, you step into your power and you realize you never have to wait. for someone or something to change, for you to have your peace of mind or your happiness or whatever it is that you're stuck in, okay? You can give that to yourself anytime, anyplace.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
My free video training will give you the jumpstart that you need to begin operating like this. I'll put the link in the show notes and in the description down below if you want to check it out. The second belief that I want you to just accept is that the world does revolve around you. I know, I know.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
We were taught that's selfish, that other people matter more and what they think about you is important. Bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others. But the reality is this, your relationships, your health, your success, everything in your life, all of it orbits around you. You are the sun in your own universe. You are the most important person in your life. Yes, you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
I bet you spent a very long time not knowing that and not acting like it either. I bet you've not treated yourself like the VIP that you are in your own life. But how you feel every day and how you show up, your energy, your beliefs, your presence touches every single area of your life. So the more solid, clear, and centered you are, the better everything else in your life actually becomes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
So yes, know that when you are well cared for, everything else in your life benefits. The third belief of self-centered living is this. In your life, You come first and you go first. As a society, we celebrate those who are selfless, who give the shirt off their back, who always do things for others but never ask for anything in return. Sound familiar? We've all heard that before.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
And if you're waiting for things to calm down so that you can feel okay, you will be waiting a very, very long time. So today I'm gonna help with this, to stop the spinning out, to stop the worrying, to stop feeling like life is happening to you. I'm gonna be sharing five truths that will help you stay sane even when things feel fucking crazy in the world. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
When everyone else comes first and we come last, that somehow makes us a good friend, a good mom, a good citizen. We are altruistic and noble and benevolent. It's something to strive for, and if we dare consider ourselves, we are selfish.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
But this selflessness as a virtue is toxic, and it creates a dysfunctional relationship with yourself, and then you create dysfunctional relationships with others in your life. This socialization and messaging is what conditions women to become the load-bearing beasts of burden in our relationships. Do all things for everyone and put ourselves last.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
until we are running on fumes, exhausted, and totally resentful. So it not only causes mental distress and physical health issues like autoimmune, it poisons relationships. So this principle turns that whole paradigm upside down. And I want you to know this, to accept this as true in your life. You come first, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
This ensures that your needs are met and that you matter, that you value your peace and your freedom and yourself. You are not an afterthought in your life. You don't come last by you in your own life. And in your life, you go first is about self-leadership. If you want love, partnership, success, equality, peace, you have to model it first. You have to show up for yourself first.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
You have to teach the people in your life what to expect from you and how to treat you by how well you treat yourself. You set the tone, you lead the way. So go ahead and unapologetically make yourself a priority and consider your needs first. You will begin to feel the effects of it immediately. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
You already know I'm all about living self-centered, which means creating a life that puts you first. For me, that includes accessible luxuries that elevate everyday routines, like slipping into cozy earth sheets every night. They're made from viscose from bamboo, which makes them insanely silky and soft and breathable and cooling.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
They actually regulate your body temperature while you sleep, so no more waking up hot and throwing the covers off. This is your reminder that you do not need an excuse to treat yourself well. So use code HILLARY at CozyEarth.com and get 40% off. Make your bed a sanctuary because you deserve nothing less. Which leads me to the fourth belief. Your identity is a choice.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
So your identity is not your FICO score or your social security number, and it's not a label that you've attached yourself to like football mom or entrepreneur. Your identity is your internal self-concept. It's what you believe about yourself and what's possible for you. It's who you think you are and how you talk to yourself all day, every day. You are who you think you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
And when you aren't consciously choosing your identity, deciding for yourself who you are, you remain who you were told to be, who you learned that you are in this world, by your parents and the environment that you grow up in, educators and society and culture in general.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
All the messages, experiences and traumas, even the micro traumas, informed you and taught you who you are, what it means to be you and how to be you and what to be in this world. But that isn't who you really are. All of that was decided for you long before you had any say so.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
We have to actively choose our identity to discover who you are and define for yourself who you are, to be self-defining, self-determining, and differentiated so that you can choose your own path. Our beliefs are not fact. We can choose what we want to believe and we can change the way that we think about ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
We can learn to think new things and we must, or you risk not being your true authentic self in the world and living an intentional life. And this leads me to my favorite belief and principle for self-centered living, which is the outcome is internal. What if you knew that no matter what happens out there in the world or out there in the future, you will always be okay no matter what?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
And not just okay, what if you knew that you could win no matter what? That you will always come out on top, that you will always benefit from every situation, and that everything always works out in your favor. How would knowing that change your life? Being self-centered, and this principle specifically provides you that guarantee. In an uncertain world, you give yourself certainty always.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
In a life where nothing is guaranteed, you provide yourself that guarantee. And in doing that, you claim sovereignty, personal power, autonomy. You give yourself the certainty and comfort and closure you seek always. Always. Your calm, your peace of mind, and well-being doesn't depend on anything external because the outcome you actually seek is internal. So what are we focusing on instead?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
You, of course. If your focus is not on what happens out there, but rather on what happens in here, inside of you, then you know that the win is inevitable because you have 100% control of that every time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
If you know that you will be able to handle any challenging situation that comes up in this life, even if it's uncomfortable for a while, even in the worst of cases, it may be devastating for a while. If you know that eventually you will be okay, that you can trust yourself to get through it, manage it, deal with it, then you have certainty. You don't need things to always work out as planned.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
You want them to, but you don't need them to. And this changes everything. When you have such a deep faith in your own resourcefulness, your own strength, and your own tenacity, and when you are able to weather any storm, ask for help, when you know that you have what it takes, whatever it takes, you are the calm in the eye of the storm.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
And moreover, when you have a mindset and an orientation in this world that even when the outcome doesn't go your way, there's still always something to be gained, that there's a lesson, a blessing, or an insight
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
in nearly every experience, if you're willing to see it, that you will have learned something, grown in some way that you may not have even known that you needed to grow, that there is something better for you just around the corner, even if you can't see it yet, that it all works out for you, even in the ways that you never could have imagined possible. then you will always feel certainty.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. I know you already know this intellectually, but I want to say it just to make sure you really know it, like know it in your body and in your soul, okay? There is a lot in life we cannot control.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
This is simply a belief that you can choose for yourself. And when you do, you become impervious to the roller coaster of the shit storm happening all around you with people or situations or anywhere else in your life. And here's the ultimate paradox.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
It's kind of funny how this works, but when you let go of the external outcome and simply just focus on you being your best self, your self-centered self, when you operate this way in life, you often end up getting even more than you originally desired, more than you could have ever imagined possible.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
Because your energy and vibe is just so high that you become an energetic match for all the good things that you desire. You're a magnet for what you want. So when you choose to believe these five self-centered principles...
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
you embody them and you live by them and you stop being at the mercy of life's chaos and you stop riding that roller coaster of circumstances, you become the one thing in your life that is constant and solid and unshakable. You are the guarantee and the certainty in an uncertain world. Thanks for being here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If the World Feels Like Too Much Right Now, Listen to This
I hope this conversation helps keep you sane and helps you have some sort of peace of mind in the crazy chaos of everyday life, but especially right now, when things are especially crazy. If you enjoyed, please share with somebody you know needs to hear it, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
We've all been sold a bunch of BS. I would be nicer about it, but it actually makes me mad because I see firsthand the damage that it causes and the serious consequences that it has in our lives, our mental and emotional health, our physical health and our wellbeing, our relationships, and our success in life too. So I'm on a crusade to bring awareness and change. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
Have you ever been told that putting others first makes you a good person? That selflessness is noble and the way to be valued is by sacrificing yourself for others. What if I told you that this idea and being this way has been the source of so much of your anxiety, resentment, and self-doubt?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
Today, I'm going to show you why this could not be further from the truth and that the truth is the exact opposite. Core concept number three of the self-centered model is in your life, you come first and you go first. So the first thing I want to share is the big lie we've been told.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And I'm just going to come right out and call out the BS that we've been fed from our parents, our grandparents, or extended family, from religion, culture, society, that we've been trained and conditioned to believe that it is a good thing to be selfless.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
We celebrate collectively and put on a pedestal a selfless person, the one who gives the shirt off of their back, the one who always puts themselves last, the one who always thinks about everyone else and never asks for a thing or expects anything in return. Sound familiar?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
There are a lot of ways that we talk about this kind of behavior, and we've all been indoctrinated to think it's something rare and beautiful and something to aspire to. This is how to be a good person and that there is something saintly about it. One of my clients even shared a song that she learned when she was a little girl in church called Joy, J-O-Y. Jesus first, then others, then you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
So this is not just subtle, implicit messaging. It's actually explicitly taught and spoken to us. So listen to me right now. It is not noble to be selfless. Self-less. No, my friends, self is not less. myself is not less. Yourself is not less. No one is less and no one should get lost.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
I can tell you from 25 years of research, thousands of men and women sharing with me in private conversations, the severe consequences this behavior has. It is not good for you, your relationships, or any of the unsuspecting people that you are in relationships with. So just to keep this simple, I'm going to rattle off a list of as many of the reasons that it is bad that I could think of.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
Number one, it embeds low self-worth. The underlying message is that you don't matter as much as everyone else. That your needs, wants, feelings, opinions, your very existence is not as important as everyone else. That you are not worthy or deserving of having your needs met, but everyone else is. And in part, it's your job to serve others and make sure they get what they need.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
That you get your worth and value from providing what others need. especially if it comes at a sacrifice or at a cost to you. Second, this lack of self-worth creates a deep hole in your soul. It's an emptiness or a void. It becomes a hunger like you're starving, which then compels you to try and fill that hole with giving and helping and sacrificing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And this could look like doing things for others that you don't really want to do, that you can't afford to do, whether that's a time, money, or energy thing, and turns you into a caretaker, a helper, a problem solver, a fixer, or a servant. And it has you losing yourself in relationships with others because you're biting your tongue or giving in or acquiescing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
When you do this, you betray yourself, abandon yourself, and turn your back on yourself. You ignore your own needs, dismiss your own feelings, and ultimately you learn that you cannot be trusted to take care of yourself. And so this creates a fractured relationship with yourself. You've lost the ability to trust yourself. And without trust in a relationship, you really have nothing. Third.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
All the self-sacrifice creates resentment, not feeling appreciated, feeling taken advantage of. It has you not really ever feeling seen or loved for who you really are, but only for what you can do for people because you've turned yourself into a commodity. Your relationships literally become transactional.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
It's empty and lonely at the soul level because it's all based on what you can do for other people rather than just have you showing up who you are as you are and being loved and valued and appreciated for that. This behavior is coming from a deep subconscious pattern of need, needing to prove your worth and value.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
seeking acceptance, love, attention, acknowledgement, or significance from all the giving that you do. But here's the thing, the giving is not coming from a place of fullness and wholeness and true altruism. It's coming from a deep need to be needed. So the greatest irony here is that your giving is actually self-serving.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
The more that you give and sacrifice to others, the more you think you will finally feel important, valued, or good enough. But when trying to fill your own worth from external sources and putting your worth in the hands of others, what they do, how they respond to you, how they show appreciation of what you've done, it's never enough. It's never enough to fill that hole in your soul.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
It's never enough appreciation or attention. And if it does feel good in the moment, it's a fleeting high, just temporary, until you can get your next fix. It's an addiction like all the others. And lastly, being selfless teaches the world that you don't matter as much as everyone else. You are demonstrating your low self-worth for the world to see.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
It's a sign on your forehead that says, I don't love myself enough. I don't have self-respect. I don't respect myself or value myself. I'm just here to put everyone before me. Don't worry about me, everyone. I'll be all right. This is ultimately what you attract into your life. People who will treat you as you treat yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
In fact, it's having the opposite impact that you are subconsciously wanting it to have. Essentially, you create the very rejection that you are so desperately trying to avoid with all the people that you are in relationships because it's inauthentic, it's misleading, it's misrepresenting yourself. It's all lies basically. And it is just a disaster for your relationships.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
Putting others first, especially at your own peril is not going to win you any awards despite what you've been told. You will not get a gold star or a trophy. You just end up feeling used up, chewed up and spit out, depleted and exhausted. Hear me now when I say this, There is a big difference between being a giving and generous person and being selfless.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
One is healthy giving with discernment, self-consideration, and boundaries. And one is coming from a place of need and lack because it's an effort to fill the empty cup rather than giving from a full cup. So with core concept number three, you come first and you go first, we flip this entire paradigm on its ear.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And I know it can be really uncomfortable and you may feel resistance to this if this selfless BS has really become a part of your worldview. And for some of you, it's almost in your DNA at this point. So let's talk about you come first, first. This is more than just self-care advice. put on your own oxygen mask first platitudes. It is deeper than that, way more meaningful than that.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
You coming first in your life allows you to have a rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself. This means you never waver. You always get your own back. You trust yourself to do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. This self-prioritization provides you essential emotional and even physical safety and security, which of course we all need for our wellbeing.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
So here's what this can look like in real life. You trust yourself to make decisions that are in your own best interest. You know that you'll never put yourself in a situation or stay in a situation that is not good for you, whether it's uncomfortable or unsafe because you feel obligated to others. You do the unpopular thing or the hard thing because it's what's best for you.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And you trust you will do this every time and always follow through. You know that you won't compromise yourself, your values, your needs, what matters to you or your own well-being for other people. That means there's no self-betrayal or self-abandonment because you know you prioritize yourself.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
You won't allow yourself to be treated poorly or expose yourself to drama or toxicity just to keep the peace or make other people happy. You make sure your needs, wants, and feelings are considered first because you understand that your needs wants, and feelings are most important in your life. You are responsible for creating your own safety in this world, and this is how you do it.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We are in the middle of a five part series where I'm sharing the five core concepts of my self-centered model. And what we've covered so far is that one, you are always the problem and the solution in your life. And two, the world does revolve around you.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
This is true personal power, my friends. It doesn't waver or come and go with different circumstances or the people in your life. It is entirely within you. It is not selfish to consider yourself first, to make yourself a priority. Even when my kids were babies, I knew if I wasn't well-rested, well-fed, well cared for, I was not my best for them.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
I was not as patient as I wanted to be or as attentive to them when they were talking to me. So you come first. Now let's talk about going first. When you go first, it means that you take the lead. If there is something that you want to change or achieve, it starts with you. Nothing will change unless you decide to change it. No one is going to convince you to make yourself a priority.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
No one is going to suddenly start treating you the way you deserve if you're not already doing it for yourself. You are the leader in your own life. Like back in kindergarten, remember line leaders? You were at the front of the line with your hand in the air and everyone else falls in line behind you. How you show up in this life. is the model by which other people follow.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
If you want to be considered by other people, to be thought of, to have people value you, respect you, or to make you a priority, you must show up demonstrating that this is how you live your life. It is how you treat yourself and therefore how you expect to be treated by others. The people in your life take their cues from you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
When you start showing up for yourself in a new way, they will follow your lead. Your relationship with you is the model. You go first, then everything else follows. So yes, in your life, You come first and you go first. This isn't about being selfish or disregarding others, and it's not about being more important than others. In general terms, all of our lives are equally valuable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
It's about recognizing that you are the most important person in your life, and that is as it should be. No one is coming to rescue you or give you permission to prioritize yourself. That is your job. And when you do, you will find that everything in your life begins to shift in the most amazing ways. In the next episode, we will dive into the next core concept of the self-centered model.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
And if you're ready to stop living on autopilot and start living a life that is true to you, make sure to subscribe and check out my free mini video training called This Changes Everything. The link is in the show notes and pinned in the comments at the top. Until next time, take care of yourself, friends. You deserve it.
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The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless
If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and watch or listen. because all of these core concepts work together to make sense. So you don't want to miss any of those. If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and listen or watch those after this one. Today we are covering the third core concept. So let me ask you this.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
The world doesn't revolve around you. Have you heard that phrase? Maybe someone once said that to you, a parent or a teacher, someone entrusted with guiding your growth as a human.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
They meant well, and the intent was likely to teach you social skills, how to get along with others in society, to know your place in the pecking order, and that we take others into consideration, that you're not the only one who wants the thing. Other people might want it too. But it's a super shaming statement with so much emotion behind it. It's really infused with judgment.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Okay, so your world does revolve around you.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
There are three things to understand about this core concept. First, think about all the areas of your life for a minute, your health and wellness, your body and fitness, your friendships, your children if you have them, your love life, your career, your home, your finances, your hobbies. You get the idea. All of those things are parts of your life and they all orbit around you.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
You are at the center of all the things in your life. So yes, you are the sun in your own universe. You provide the energy to all those things. They are all dependent upon you, what you bring to those areas, how you show up in those areas. They all depend on you. If you show up in certain areas of your life with dread, fear, ambivalence, lack of clarity, depressed,
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
anxious, angry, or resentful, those areas of your life will suffer. Whereas if you show up with love and courage, hope, faith, positivity, those areas of your life will prosper. So when there's an area of your life that is not thriving or fulfilling and you want it to be better, rather than focus on tactical things to improve it,
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
Start with exploring your own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about it. So for example, if you find yourself unhappy at your job, dreading going to work every day, feeling unmotivated or constantly stressed, the first instinct might be to look for external solutions like changing jobs, asking for a raise, or trying to avoid certain coworkers.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
But instead, start by exploring your beliefs and feelings about your work. Ask yourself these questions. Do I believe my work is meaningful? Or do I feel stuck in something unfulfilling? Am I clear about what I want from my career? Or am I just going through the motions? How am I showing up each day? Am I bringing negativity or resentment into the workplace?
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
We can get stuck blaming a boss or colleagues or the work environment. And while there may be some truth to those variables not being great, blaming does nothing to solve the problem. nor does it actually make us feel better.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
And when we believe the problem is external, we may go through the process of looking for a new job and starting over at a new job, only to end up experiencing the same exact situation. So looking at yourself is key, and those questions are actually uplifting and empowering. You can start to change your experience at work even before any external changes happen.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
When you shift, your reality always follows. This is building upon the first core concept from our last conversation. Second, you need to spend more time thinking about yourself, not less. Not spending enough time thinking about yourself means you end up living life on autopilot, living by default, sleepwalking through life, living your life within the guardrails.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
Really, you end up taking what you're getting rather than actually getting what you want. It's not an intentionally lived life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
If you don't take the time to think about yourself, examine yourself, reflect on yourself, really truly being with yourself, being brutally honest with yourself about who you are, what you want, what's important to you, then you never really know yourself and you cannot make choices that align. And then all the other areas of your life suffer.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
How dare you actually think that you'll get this thing that you want when others want it too? What makes you think you're so special? It's kind of a slap in the face that quickly can put a child in their place. Message received loud and clear. To think about ourselves is bad or wrong. It's self-indulgent and selfish. something like that.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
And this is how people end up living a life that is not true to themselves. And when they get to the end of the line and they're 90 years old, looking back on it all, they have serious regrets because they never took the time to be with themselves, to think about themselves. and then to live a more crafted and curated life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
For all areas of your life to be what you really want them to be, you must know that it all starts with you at the center of it all. So yes, you can and you should think about yourself more. What you want, ask for it and expect to get it. It can be you who is one of the ones getting what you want. It is up to you. It is your decision now. It's a simple decision. It's a declaration.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
You are entitled to take up space and begin to live your life very purposefully in a way that is true to you. And it all starts by knowing that you are at the center of your life. You are the most important person in your life. So treat yourself as such. When you deny, neglect, abandon, dismiss, ignore yourself at the center of everything, Again, every other part of your life reflects that.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
This leads me to the final point I want to make about this second core concept. Have you ever heard of the phrase, how you do one thing is how you do everything? I prefer to say how you do one thing is how you do many things. And it fits so perfectly with this concept of being at the center of your own life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
When you take the time to focus on how you're showing up in one area of your life, whether it's your career, your health, or your relationships, you're not just improving that one area. By virtue of the self-examination, self-reflection, self-awareness, and growth, that you experience. In elevating yourself, you naturally begin to elevate all the other areas as well.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
The impact is far reaching and the other areas of your life will benefit from this new improved version of you. For example, I struggled for years trying to leave my private practice and start my online coaching company. I spent time and energy and effort and money chasing after new strategies and the right next person to help me and nothing I was doing was working.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
But once I realized it was me, I was the problem. Remember that from core concept number one? Once I realized it was me and accepted it was me, I unlocked everything. I worked on my own deep limiting beliefs that I didn't have what it takes, and I couldn't handle the success that I was trying so desperately hard to achieve.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
that somehow the big success I was dreaming about and working so hard to achieve was actually just not for me. Other people can have it, but not me. Once I worked through that and actually changed my brain, I finally broke through. Not only did my business completely explode, the personal growth that I experienced in that process elevated all the other areas of my life as well.
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Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
I felt more confident as a leader in my business, but also I was a better mom and a better friend and a better partner. Everything in my life leveled up because I leveled up. That's the power of being at the center. It's not about being selfish or self-absorbed. It's about realizing that when you show up as your best self for one area of your life, it has a profound effect on everything else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
And thus, the conditioning continues from nearly every area of our lives, especially for girls, that it's bad to think of yourself. But this is extremely misguided. It's diminishing, misleading, and it disconnects us from our own inner truth, our own personal power. So I'm about to turn your world upside down in the best possible way because yes, in fact, it does.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
Your energy, your clarity, and your sense of purpose radiate outward just like the sun and touch everything in your life. When you neglect yourself, all areas of your life will suffer. But when you are your own best friend, you are well cared for, tended to, nourished, valued, and fortified by you, all the other areas of your life benefit from it. I hope you're starting to see
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
how these core concepts build on each other. If you didn't catch the last episode that I did just yesterday, actually, go back and listen or watch that one now. And if you're enjoying this content, please make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Believing This Lie Leads To A Life Of Regret
Despite what you've been told, the world does revolve around you. Your world revolves around you and my world revolves around me. And this is the second core concept of my self-centered model. So let's get to it. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
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Stop Letting Your Past Define You
The day that you were born to the two biological people that you call your parents, your fate was sealed. It's as if your little soul was plucked right out of the universe, plopped into your little baby body in that house with those two people, and then all the subsequent circumstances and situations and dynamics, what they were and how it all unfolded.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
So many times the train that we are on takes us to a destination that is nowhere we want to be. We end up with a life we didn't really want, one we didn't purposefully or intentionally choose. We live out what was prescribed for us, or we unconsciously repeat intergenerational patterns. When the journey is unpleasant enough, we can try to get off the train by going to therapy,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
getting some counseling, going on retreats, we meditate or medicate. But despite all of that, if you're still stuck, not making real change in your life, either getting past the trouble or problem that you're having, or not achieving that next big level goal that you so desperately want to achieve, then you are still on that train despite your best efforts to get off.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
And that's because the focus of your attempts have really not been on your identity. So there are four things about this core concept that you need to understand. And I'm going to share all of that with you. And then I'm going to leave you with a few questions at the end to ask yourself. So first, in this life, we get what we expect.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
It's like you were put on a train and the destination was determined for you. You literally had no say so over where you were going to end up. What I mean by this Is everything that you saw, what you witnessed, what you experienced, what you observed, what was modeled for you, how you felt, how you were spoken to, how you were treated, all of that went into the formation of your identity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
So what you think about yourself, the world, and what is possible for you is essential. And it's even more important than you may realize. No one ever teaches us this. It's not mainstream, but it is true. Second, your identity is not your FICO score, your social security number, or simply a label like entrepreneur or single mom.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
It is who you think you are, how you conceive of yourself, how you see yourself, what you believe about yourself, what you tell yourself about you and what's possible for you, how you talk to yourself. That is your identity. Third, our beliefs are not facts and our identity is not fixed. Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's actually true.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
Beliefs are nothing more than messages, stories, and statements we have heard or said to ourselves so many times that we then come to believe them. They are like being installed into our brains like an operating system. But in fact, our thoughts and beliefs are a choice, which means it is fully within our own personal power to consciously choose our identity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
That means we have to reprogram, redefine, remodel, and rewire our brains and how we think. We get to choose what we want to think and believe. Isn't that so cool? Fourth, identity work is the gateway to everything you want, the pathway to get everything you want, your next level, your new life, which means that this has to be done first before you will ever see any external results.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
Before your outer world reality can change, you have to change your inner world reality. and the way you talk to yourself and think about yourself. The best personal example that I can give is back when I had my private practice. I thought about myself as a therapist in private practice and I was proud of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
But then one day I decided to embrace my business owner identity and I began to think about myself as a business owner rather than a therapist in private practice. That propelled me to make some changes in how I ran the business.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
I stopped taking insurance and I raised my fees because I wanted to get paid what I was worth and for the value I was providing, which was life-saving, life-changing transformation for my clients. And then when I decided to launch my online company, I had to change my identity again. And then to go from being an online coaching company to putting myself out there and to becoming a global authority,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
talking about all the things that I know. And again, I had to change my identity to becoming a multimillionaire. I had to think about myself differently before I was able to actually make that a reality in my life. And again, even recently, launching my personal brand with this podcast and an upcoming book.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
Any time that I have gotten stuck in the business growth process, it was always because I had not yet expanded my identity. I hadn't changed the way I was thinking about myself. Can you see how I had to think about myself bigger and expand my own identity in order to build the bigger real world results? This is how it works, how you think of yourself, your identity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
You get to decide who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to live this life. You are not bound by who you've been, who you've been told you are, or who you thought you had to be. You are free to become the greatest, most expansive version of yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
This is the essence of being self-centered, owning your identity, stepping into your power, and creating a life that is intentional and authentically yours. So let me leave you with a challenge. Take a moment today to notice the automatic thoughts you have about yourself and write them down and then ask yourself, is this really true?
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Stop Letting Your Past Define You
You learned who you are in this world, what to believe about yourself, what to think and how to think, how to talk to yourself. You learned who you are supposed to be and how you are supposed to be and what your role is in this life. You learned what's possible for you and what you can expect for yourself. It all went into your subconscious programming and it formed your identity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
What is one belief about yourself that you thought was always true but potentially isn't, and it may be holding you back. And then imagine yourself that next level version of you, your next level self, the you who has achieved the life that you want, that future version of you. What does he or she think, believe, and do differently?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
Let that vision guide you as you step into the person you were always meant to be. These are questions that you can ask yourself all the time to check in and make sure that you are not limiting yourself in any way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
If you're ready to take control of your identity and create a life that is centered around you, make sure that you subscribe and catch the next episode where I'm sharing the fifth core concept. which I think is perhaps my favorite, and it will tie it all together into a powerful framework for transformation. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
And all of that happened before you were old enough to have any say-so over what was going on in there. The problem is... At 42, 52, or even 62, so many of us are still on that train, repeating to yourself what was said to you, still believing now what you learned was possible for you, and still acting or behaving in ways that reflect what you learned. who you think you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stop Letting Your Past Define You
So today on this episode, I am sharing core concept number four of the self-centered model, which is that your identity is a choice, one that you didn't even know that you could make so you can get off that damn train, decide for yourself who you are, and that changes everything in your life in the best possible way. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
So if you haven't already figured this out about me, I can be a little contrarian. This isn't something that I do on purpose, like, ooh, let me be edgy just for the sake of it. I'm not interested in being provocative for shock value. I'm just interested in telling the truth, the kind of truth that most people don't want to talk about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It is painful. It is literally a medical procedure. And we are having this done with no pain medication. It's assumed we can just tolerate the pain. So I'm glad we are finally talking about menopause and other women's health issues without shame. But I don't like some of what I'm hearing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
Menopause has now become the latest playground for dismissing women's experiences, our voices, and even the patriarchal conditioning that we've been subjected to and is so deeply entrenched that we can often miss it. We don't even notice it. And even women are perpetuating it without realizing it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
So today I'm sharing three of the questionable themes so that you too can begin to detect the subtle BS that contributes to dismissing our experiences. You have to let me know if you agree with these or not. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
And quite honestly, the kind of truth that can sometimes make people a little uncomfortable at first. But wildly excited and hopeful once they hear it. I question everything. And today, I am questioning the entire menopause media machine. Right now, menopause is having a moment. Everyone's talking about it. There are new products, new drugs, new experts popping up like daisies.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
So one of the most misguided and harmful conversations that I'm hearing is that menopause increases your chance of divorce. That literally women are getting divorced in midlife because of menopause. Literally, let's keep blaming women for all the problems. So to be exact, This is a quote.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
When you're in your reproductive years, so premenopause, you've got different levels of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone every day. And it makes you accommodate, makes you kind of roll with the punches. And it sets up this level of flexibility that starts to disappear when you go through perimenopause and menopause. The hormonal veil is lifted and you start to speak your truth
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
and not accommodate. You speak your truth maybe for the first time about the state of your marriage, about the things that you're happy about, the things that you're not happy about, and it does lead to an increased rate of divorce. Can you see what I'm talking about? I want you to really be able to read between the lines here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This is just another way to dismiss women's experience, to blame women for the problem, And to blame our hormones, it literally cancels out our real experience, which is the reality that most women carry the emotional load, the mental load, and even the physical load in marriages, often while also working and having careers. And when kids are involved, the load is even heavier.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's not estrogen that causes this. It is social conditioning of both boys and girls. You've heard me say this so many times. that girls are socialized to be kind and nice and agreeable and go with the flow. Be pretty, be a good girl. Do what you need to do to get the boy to pick you. We are not encouraged to find our own voice and to stand out and be strong-willed and certain of who we are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
So when we have families, we take it all on because that is what is expected of us. the good mom who does it all and looks amazing while doing it. So during those years with young children, women are in survival mode. And around the time we hit 50-ish, which happens to be our menopausal years, but it's also midlife, the kids are a little older.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
we're not in survival mode, and we actually have come up for air and have woken up to just how much BS we have been tolerating and accepting. We acknowledge how exhausted we are, how utterly sick and tired we are of carrying the load. And for those marriages that do end,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's because it's too late to make the correction, too much water under the bridge, the resentment has taken over, and it is past the point of no return. Women are not having a midlife crisis. It's actually a midlife awakening. And it is not a hormonal temper tantrum. It's clarity. We're not going crazy. We're finally getting sane. The hormonal veil isn't lifting. The social conditioning is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
And midlife, women are finally becoming... more centered in ourselves. We are never more sure of who we are and what we need and want, and we're no longer willing to settle or tolerate. We hear our own voice and are willing to speak it in a way that is unapologetic. It's not menopause that's making you question your relationship.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's the fact that for the first time, you have the audacity to put yourself first, to consider yourself. And maybe you're realizing your marriage never really worked for you. The damage here is when all of society blames women and blames our hormones, it dismisses our reality.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This is what gaslighting is, twisting the narrative so that the person questions and even believes the altered story rather than what they know to be true for themselves. Also, When we blame something, rather than take responsibility for ourselves, we are stuck. It means we can't do anything to change the situation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
And of course, now even celebrities are entering the conversation. Here's the thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that women's health is finally being acknowledged. It is way overdue. Think about it. Viagra came to market in 1998 because of course, all hail the penis. And meanwhile, women have been suffering through hormonal shifts and perimenopause and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
And women are then forever fated to suffer unfulfilling marriages that end in divorce. So we can blame ourselves, unrealistically so, and we can blame hormones, and we can even blame the men. But ultimately, it is we who have done this to ourselves. Yes, it's true. That's the truth that I was talking about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
We all too eagerly step in and do it all without expectation, without boundaries, without speaking up. We allow and tolerate and accept the unacceptable. It goes way back to our childhood and how we were socialized to be. But at some point, it is up to us to take responsibility for ourselves and decide who we are and what we want and make it happen with our behavior, our choices, and our actions.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This is the bitter pill, but it's also the magic pill. We can change how we are showing up in our lives and in our relationships. And the answer is to be fully self-centered. So another conversation I'm taking aim at today is the idea that women lose themselves because of their hormones. Again, another quote.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
When our hormones come in, our brains as females start working from left to right, and we become relational creatures. And everything we are doing is adapting to the relationship of another human, adapting to the relationship of a patriarchal society. We are constantly making sure everybody's okay.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This person then makes the point that it's menopause, when our hormones go away, that we finally hear our own voice again. Again, in my very strong opinion, it is not hormones that make us act this way and behave this way. It's our psychology. When you're born a female, automatically you are girl and then you're put in pink and then all the socialization begins.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
The rest is history, sugar and spice and everything nice. This all happens long before we hit puberty and our hormones are even kicking in. And by the time we become mothers, we've already spent decades internalizing the idea that that our value comes from how much we give, how well we sacrifice, and how happy we keep everyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
So when the pressures of motherhood arrive, of course, we lose ourselves a little bit because there's just so much to do. I used to say, I love being a mom, but I hate the tasks involved in being a mom. All the things that we have to do to be a mom. It's not the hormones that have women carrying the mental load and the emotional load.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's just who we are because of how we've been trained to be until we know better. This isn't a biological design. It's a cultural script. We didn't become selfless because of our hormones. We became selfless because that's what we were trained to be. So no, you didn't suddenly become relational and selfless because of your hormones and because your hormones told you to be this way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
You became relational and selfless because the patriarchal conditioning and socialization told you that's what makes you lovable. Again, why this angle is so much better is because if it's conditioning and not chemistry, then it's changeable. We can wake up to it, unlearn it, and reclaim our identities. We don't have to spend half of our lives a stranger to ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
and chronic conditions with little to no support for decades. The world sees men's pain as urgent and real, while women's pain is brushed off, minimized, dismissed, and ignored because of our hormones or our cycles or our moods. We're emotional, hysterical, dramatic, and overreacting. You've all heard it. How many times have you heard it? You must be PMSing. Is it your time of the month?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
shape-shifting to accommodate those around us, but to be fully self-aware and centered in ourselves and in our lives and in our relationships, holding on to ourselves all the way through. Okay, so this last one really gets me. The parody of the crazy menopausal woman. This caricature of us is just insulting. It's a deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
But that then makes us the butt of the joke rather than a human to be taken seriously. And I've had enough of that. What about you? The memes, the jokes, the TikToks of women screaming at their husbands over cereal. The I can't help it, it's my hormone stuff. I know it's supposed to be funny and I get it. I laughed too. My favorite is Kitty from that 70s show. She's the best example of this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a really funny one just for the sake of this episode. So make sure you follow me over on Instagram at IamHillarySilver. if you want to have a good laugh out loud. But let's be honest, this narrative does real damage. It reinforces the idea that women are unstable, irrational, not of sound mind, we're hysterical.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It paints a picture of menopausal women as out of control liabilities, something men just have to put up with, like it's a phase that we go through until we become rational again. No, we are not irrational. We're just done tolerating shit. Maybe your husband's chewing has always sounded like a jackhammer, but you finally stopped ignoring yourself and pretending that it didn't bother you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
I mean, I can literally hear my husband chewing all the way in the other room. And it's not because my estrogen levels dropped. It's not because I've lost my mind and now I become irrationally annoyed and that I'm super sensitive. What if he has gotten louder as he's gotten older, right? Even my daughter says she can hear him in the other room.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This whole crazy menopausal woman trope makes women the punchline. It implies that our reactions are suddenly unreasonable instead of acknowledging that we've been unreasonably swallowing our needs and anger for decades. It's not that our hormones are making us unbearable. It's that our silence has finally reached its limit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
And when we make jokes about it, when we nod and play along, ha ha, yep, I'm losing it, we're reinforcing the very thing that has kept us stuck. This idea that our needs don't matter, that we aren't important. that we're not to be taken seriously, that what we actually think and speak needs to be listened to and heard, that our rage, our clarity, our truth, our opinions are to be dismissed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's diminishing and it only perpetuates the patriarchy. So don't buy into it, ladies. Hot flashes are real. Being an emotional psycho who is irrational and crashing out is not. So let's stop accepting the caricature and start demanding the conversation evolve. Let's stop laughing at ourselves when what we really need to do is listen to ourselves. Because here's the truth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
When women enter this phase of life and stop tolerating things they never should have tolerated in the first place, it is not a crisis. It's a revolution. So now what? Well... I'm 52 and I've never looked better, felt stronger in who I am. I'm not losing anything. I am more fully myself than ever.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
I've taken back my time, my energy, my peace, and I've learned to set better boundaries and to prioritize myself without guilt. and to make decisions based on my needs instead of everybody else's expectations. And no, I'm not acting out. I'm operating more in alignment than I ever have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
This is the gift of midlife, not some dreaded decline, not a descent into madness, not a joke, not hormonal fog, but it's time to take back what is ours. what has always been ours, but we just didn't know it. The question is, will you see it for what it is? Because here's what I believe. This chapter isn't about your body betraying you. It's about your conditioning no longer working for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
It's not about your hormones making you crazy or irrational or unreasonable. It's about your intuition getting louder. It's not about losing your mind. It's about finding your voice. Trust it. Don't question it. That's how we got here in the first place. Self-trust is everything. And it begins by accepting it's time to be self-centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
You must be hormonal. as a way to dismiss our experiences, our very reality, and rendering our perspectives or experiences invalid. That is just a part of the gaslighting of women that we have been experiencing for generations. We've been left to just deal with symptoms and pain. as if it doesn't matter, as if we don't matter. If you've ever had an IUD put in, you know what I'm talking about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
From this self-centered place, we can take care of any symptoms that we are experiencing because they are real and legitimate and be discerning about what information you are taking in and believing. And if you need someone to help you navigate this, if you want to stop spinning in confusion and finally come home to yourself, I am here for that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Menopause Isn’t Making You Crazy
That's what this podcast and YouTube channel is all about. That's what this movement is about. So share this episode with the women in your life and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
I'm going to change your life in the next 12 minutes, so I hope you will take this opportunity to listen. I'm going to drop some knowledge on you that comes from a more legit place than all the major so-called experts who are in the spotlight today. I haven't just read books, and I didn't just interview other people, and I'm not just taking other people's ideas and making them my own.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Self-centered. That is what I call the model I've spent the last two and a half decades developing, testing, and perfecting with endless research and application. It's the method I've been using to help my clients experience profound personal transformation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
So it is proven. It's proven to work. And there are five core concepts that I want to be sharing with you today and in the next four episodes. So make sure that you stick around because you want to get all five of them. They all really build on each other and work together and you don't really want one without the other. So the first thing that I want to share with you is this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
No matter what my clients have struggled with, love issues, weight issues, career issues, family problems and parenting, friendship problems, loneliness, body image issues, depression, anxiety, food issues, all those things, no matter what that is, and we all have that stuff in our lives, the solution is never found by focusing on those things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
Because while all of that can be very problematic and it is absolutely painful, none of that is actually the real problem. Those are all surface level problems. They are the secondary problems, which means they are all symptoms of the real problem, which we will get to in just a minute. But most helpers will stay on the surface and help you deal with those situations.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
I'm sharing with you the wisdom and perspective that I've gained from 25 years of working in the trenches, boots on the ground with countless clients as a clinical psychotherapist and a master coach. Literally tens of thousands of hours of active listening in face-to-face one-on-one personal conversations with men, women, and couples.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
They help you deal with your mom problem or your child problem or your marriage problem, offering tactical advice and solutions to only those secondary problems. like working on your communication, scheduling sex, or just having better boundaries. Or they tell you to meditate, breathe, exercise, even count backwards from five to manage your anxiety, all the way to doling out meds.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
While it may feel helpful in the moment, it's only temporary because that is actually symptom control. And when you alleviate the pain or the inconvenience of a symptom, There is relief, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
But if you don't deal with the root cause and the core issues, it's really just only a matter of time before the symptoms return, like having another crisis or a problem in your life that you don't know how to deal with, which means you spend your life putting out fires and chasing more temporary solutions, going from one issue to the next in life. So what is the real problem then?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
Well, that is the second thing that I want to share with you. Are you ready for it? Put your seatbelt on because this is going to be the edgiest thing that I'm going to say today. You are. You are the real problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And that is something almost no one will tell you, especially if you're struggling, if you've been betrayed or hurt, or you're fragile and wounded, or if you've had trauma and you're just feeling particularly beaten up from life's circumstances. But it is the truth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And so to put it simply, it just means that there is something that we are believing, thinking, feeling, or doing that is getting in the way. It's preventing us, limiting us, or blocking us from getting what we want. So we are always our own biggest obstacle, and we don't even realize it most of the time. To go a little deeper, it's not being clear who we are. and what is important to us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
So we end up doing things that are not authentic to us or that are not in our own best interest. Maybe doing what's expected of us or what we think others want us to do. It's not having a relationship with ourselves that we can rely on. And so we end up betraying ourselves, abandoning ourselves, or even dismissing ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And so then we come to learn that we can't depend on ourselves and trust ourselves to be true and to get our own back. This is the primary problem right here, the root cause and core issue right here. It always is this issue.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And so this lack in our own relationship with self either creates so many of our surface level problems, these secondary problems, or the challenges that we experience in our daily living become problems that we just aren't equipped to handle on our own. We don't trust ourselves to navigate through them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
It becomes even more evident that you are the problem when you have a recurring problem area in your life or when there are patterns that repeat. Because when something happens once, well, okay, maybe it's a fluke or it's that one person in your life causing trouble. But when it happens again and again, or in many areas of your life, the common denominator is you. So for example,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
the clients that we work with in my company, Ready for Love, are super high achieving women. And they tell me often that they get feedback that they are intimidating. And so, well, popular mainstream advice will just say, well, men are just weak or insecure. She's a badass and she isn't doing anything wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
And to this, I say, sure, if one guy gave her that feedback, okay, then maybe that one guy is potentially weak or insecure. But when she hears that from many men or even from other people in other areas of her life, like friends or at work, there is something to it. She is the common denominator, so it's worth examining how she can potentially be projecting something she isn't aware of
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
or isn't intending. Being unwilling to look at that means we end up blaming others and we remain stuck forever, which is why it is so exciting to take ownership and accept that yes, we are all always our own biggest problem. The first core concept of self-centered is that you, yes you, are both always the problem and the solution. I refer to this as the bitter pill and the magic pill all at once.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
I have been privy to the most intimate and private inner thoughts of thousands of people, hearing directly from them in their most vulnerable times and in the most raw and unfiltered way, what they struggle with, what they worry about and wonder about, sitting with them through their grief and their anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, and insecurities, all the suffering.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
It's the bitter pill that you're the problem. Yes, it can be hard to hear. It can be humbling. But that is what we want. We want it to be you. And that's the next point that I really want to make and impress upon you. It's a mindset shift right now. that we want to be the problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
I always want to be the problem in my life when something isn't working because then I can just decide that I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to figure out what I'm doing or not doing that's the problem that is causing this issue for me. And then I always do figure it out and then I get out of my own way and I get what I want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
Taking personal responsibility for all things gives us the ultimate power in life because the external circumstances and situations in life are often beyond our control, but you have the power within you to make the changes that you need to make. You have control over what you do with it all and how you are showing up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
I know you may be feeling resistance to this right now, but Hillary, how is it my fault that bad things have happened to me, that things in my childhood happened to me? here's the thing. This isn't about fault finding, nor is it about shaming and blaming. Nothing that happened to you in your childhood was your fault. But as an adult, it is your responsibility. So what are you going to do with it?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
No matter what has happened to you in your life, it is up to you to deal with it. Maybe you have some healing work that you need to do. Maybe you need to challenge some of your limiting beliefs that you kind of came out of childhood believing about yourself. Maybe you need to work on your mindset or simply just learn a new skill.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
It is life changing to be willing to see how you're the common denominator in all of your challenges, to be willing to see where you can take ownership and responsibility for your role in all the things and to see how you've contributed to the situations in your life being what they are. So while it's hard to hear that you are the problem,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
It is the truth and it is the most empowering and liberating thing I can tell you. And that is why it's also the magic pill if you are willing to swallow it down. Because when you are the problem, you are quickly, easily the solution. You don't have to wait for anyone or anything to change your life. The answer to all our problems is not external or on the surface. It is inside of us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
It is within our power to change it, to have the life that we want. In the next four episodes, I'll be sharing each of the other four core concepts that make up this self-centered model. Make sure to tune in and stick around because again, you really want to have all five to really understand how this all works. They do all build on each other.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
If what we talked about makes sense to you and it resonates and you're excited about it and you want to get a jump on making some powerful changes quickly, sign up for my mini video training called This Changes Everything. The link is in the show notes and in the comments pinned at the top. Thanks for listening, everyone, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
So today and in the next couple of episodes, I'm distilling it all down to one powerful model. It's an approach that is the solution to all of life's challenges, obstacles, and struggles. It's a revolutionary new way of thinking about yourself, and it doesn't just change your life, it changes everything. A gift for anyone who has the good sense to listen to me. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
25 Years of Therapy Advice in 12 Minutes
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you're meeting me for the first time, what you might not know is that people are shocked when they hear I'm 52. They see my workout video clips and my photos and they want to know, how do you have that body and how do you have those abs? What is your secret to looking so young? What are you doing? Well, I'm not a personal trainer or a fitness influencer or anything like that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Please, if you saw how the animals were treated, it would be something you would not be able to unsee. And there are so many amazing products on the market that don't test on animals. please just pick one of those products. I switch my products out all the time and I do share with my email list, people who get my newsletters, my favorite product.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So make sure you're subscribed because I do, again, share all of my favorite things with my email list and my newsletter. I just started doing lasers and microneedling treatments in the last year. Everyone says it's great, but when I do it, it just kind of feels like nothing is happening. So I do it because the science says that it's great prevention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
But for me personally, the jury is still out on that just to be totally transparent. But here's the bottom line. That's everything. I've shared it all. You can do all the cosmetic enhancements available today. But the real secret to looking and feeling your absolute best as we age is all about how you feel about yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
how you value yourself and treat yourself and talk to yourself and prioritize yourself and express yourself and carry yourself through the world. It's not so much what you're doing that matters as who you are when you're doing it. It's who you are being. I hope this episode inspires you and empowers you to do whatever it is that you want to do or feel like you would like to do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
to just help you look and feel your very best. It's about you. It's all about you. And that's a good thing. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I love aging, I love every single year that I get wiser, more confident and more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I trust myself completely And honestly, I kind of just don't give a fuck anymore about so many things, which is very liberating. I'm able to just focus on what really matters and leave all the rest. I'm just very unbothered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And it's a sense of peace and freedom that I would not trade for anything. So love that you get older. Love every little bit about it because what it means about who you are on the inside. you can embrace aging and still want to look your very best. The two are not mutually exclusive. So embracing aging doesn't mean that we have to be okay with wrinkles or gray if we don't want to.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
It's not resisting aging to want to look and feel our best. So my message today and always is not about being anti-aging. It's pro being my absolute best in all ways. Second, Caring what we look like at any age is not vain or shallow. Our physical appearance is an expression of who we are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
It is just as important as any other facet of our being, like having a rich spiritual life or taking care of our mental and emotional well-being. I want to look as good as I feel. I want my externals to reflect how I feel on the inside. So for me personally, I feel vibrant and youthful and exuberant and energetic and sure of myself and powerful, all these things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I feel like my physical self is and accurate representation and expression of that. That also includes my style and how I dress and other parts of my lifestyle as well. So what about you? How would you describe yourself? And does your physical appearance reflect who you are on the inside? If not, Have fun fixing that because it is fun.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I'm just little old me, all five foot one inches of me, but I do take very good care of myself, including working out every day. However, today I'm not talking about that. I'm going to be getting super personal with you and I'm sharing all the cosmetic and aesthetic procedures and enhancements that I've done to look as young and fit as I do at 52.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Third, every woman has to do whatever she needs to do or wants to do to be happy with the way she looks and to feel amazing in her own skin. And what is right for one woman is not right for another. I love how gray hair looks on some women. They wear it so well. And I can only hope that I look that good if and when I decide to go gray. It's just not for me right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And some women feel beautiful going all natural and don't do any aesthetics or enhancements or treatments or anything like that. And good for them. That is how they choose to embrace their aging. But here's the important thing, the catch. Whatever you choose, be congruent with it. Meaning if you envy someone else's skin or wrinkle-free appearance, don't live with the envy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Just go get it for yourself. If you choose not to, to get Botox or fillers or any other type of enhancement, then don't be jealous of those who do. Be genuinely okay with your choices. Next, whatever you do or don't do, it's your decision and do it or don't do it for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Meaning you don't have to ask permission or consider what anyone else might think, whether it's your partner, your friends, or anyone else. It's your choice and yours alone and because you are doing this to make you happy or not doing it to make you happy. Ultimately, this is self-care. I've had clients run it by me if they should get boobs.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And my response is literally, you don't need my permission. If you want boobs, go get yourself some boobs. As long as you're doing it for you and it will make you feel even more fabulous than you already do. So if you want it, go get it. A couple more points that I want to make and then I'm telling all. Whatever you do or don't do, make that choice with love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
A lot of people think that getting plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures are for people who don't love themselves and that they're seeking some kind of external solution that will make themselves feel better on the inside. That if they just look prettier or had this thing done or that thing done, they'll just finally be able to love and accept themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And while I'm sure there is some of that happening, it's my experience personally and professionally that the opposite is actually true. Everything that I've done is because I do love myself, not because I don't. So let me say that again. All the things I've done have been done because I love myself, not because I don't.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And lastly, and very importantly, all the things that I do now and have done along the way are enhancements. It all complements what I do for myself already. And I do a lot for myself. I prioritize myself. I'm committed and devoted to myself. I make time for myself. So that means working out every day and eating well. And I just value my health and my well-being in all ways.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I take very good care of myself. So all the things that I've done, I consider add-ons to help me along in the ways that I just can't do for myself. So this is the message that I want you to take away. Love yourself as you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Take care of yourself as you deserve to be cared for, and then indulge in all the little goodies and extras that help you look and feel your best if that's what you want for yourself. So all right, let's get into the real talk about all the things that I've done and why I'm not ashamed of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So I'm an open book with the people in my life, but this is my first time speaking publicly about any of this. And while it feels super vulnerable to just put it all out there, I want to be clear, I'm not ashamed of any of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you're listening to this episode on a podcast app, you won't be able to see the photos that I'm sharing. So hop on over to YouTube whenever you get a chance, but I will do my best to describe the total transformation that I've gone through. Okay, so I got pregnant with my first baby when I was 33. And at the time, I was super fit and in great shape.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I thought I was going to be this cute little pregnant lady with a sweet little baby bump. But no, I had the biggest baby and the biggest belly there ever was. Warning, this photo I'm about to share may potentially shock you. So prepare yourself. Here it goes. In this photo, I'm eight months pregnant with still another four weeks to go.
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What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I know almost all women are probably pretty uncomfortable at this point. So I know I'm not special in that regard, but I am a tiny person and my baby had nowhere to go but out. I have a tiny little torso and I was enormous. There was nothing cute about it at all. All in all, I gained 60 pounds. If you haven't had a baby, then these numbers that I'm about to share may not mean anything to you.
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What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
But my son was over nine and a half pounds. He was 21 inches long and in the 99th percentile for head circumference. So thank goodness for C-sections is all I can say. So you know when you're in a photo and it's just not a good one of you, like you look terrible and it's not flattering at all? And so you just quickly delete it and you're glad no one else will ever see it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And you just put it out of your mind. Well, that is what this next photo is. It's exactly that for me, except I didn't get rid of it. I'm going to share it with you right now. This is me two days after my C-section, right after we got home from the hospital. Yes, I only stayed two days in the hospital like a dumb ass. Don't ask me what I was thinking.
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What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Look at this giant baby who actually looks more than three months old. I feel sorry for both of us. My poor baby, that baby inside of me. And he was so, so smushed. There was nowhere for him to go. No room in there for him at all. It actually took him more than a week to not look so smushed. His face. Sharing this photo feels so hard. It's hard for me to look at it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I'm proud of the way I take care of myself, and I decided to share it with you because I want you to feel empowered to do whatever makes you feel happy and amazing in your skin too. So let's get into it. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I still just have so many feelings all at once when I look at it. Yes, I'm bloated from all the gas and the fluids that they pumped me up with for my C-section and going into delivery. But honestly, I look at it and I don't even recognize myself at all. How is that even me? I didn't delete this because I just feel like it's evidence for what I've gone through, what I went through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
After all the swelling went down and I lost most of the weight, which took a long time, it became clear to me that I would never really be the same ever again. I think most women aren't exactly the same after having babies, but this was serious trauma to my little body. my abdomen was completely shredded, like shredded.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I had three hernias down my midline, including a big umbilical hernia and then a diastasis recti, which if you don't know what that is, you can look it up. The fascia holding my abdominal wall together was torn. And so my belly just hung slack. My insides didn't really have a container holding them in, and I still looked six months pregnant even a year after he was born. I hated the way I looked.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My body did not reflect a woman who takes care of herself at all, who works out and eats well, and I couldn't wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. I just hated the way I looked all the time. I didn't feel comfortable or confident or sexy at all. I'd be having sex with my husband and I'd be completely distracted by my own body.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I would be watching my boobs jiggle around like, whose boobs are these anyway? They're not mine. Looking in the mirror was like an out-of-body experience. It just wasn't me. And if you've ever been in a situation like this, you know it sucks to not look like yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So all that time, while I was in those early baby years, sleep deprived, dealing with the steep learning curve on how to be a mom and adjusting to our new life and loving my babies, I was also really, really struggling, grieving the changes in my body and how I looked and how I felt. I actually physically couldn't move around the way I wanted to either.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My lower back was killing me all the time from not having a core. And I had been an athletic and an athlete, and I couldn't even play the sports the way I wanted to. I actually quit playing some of the sports that I had been playing. We're supposed to accept the changes in our bodies as natural and normal. And you're not supposed to care what you look like on the outside.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
All that matters is what's on the inside. Because you have this beautiful, healthy baby and you should be grateful, right? But honestly, that is just such a bunch of bullshit for so many of us. And that's okay. It's okay now. to care what you look like on the outside too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
After doing physical therapy for months to try to fix my abdominal issue, I just knew that I was going to have to have reconstruction. So my kids are three years apart. I really had to wait until I was done having babies to have that done. So that is just a long time. It felt like an eternity to live that way. Maybe some of you can relate to what I'm talking about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So for me, my reconstruction was having the fascia and the hernias all sewn back together, which is an abdominoplasty. I also had a breast lift. I wanted to put my boobs back where they belong, back up where they were before. Implants were not for me. They are for many women, but they weren't for me. It literally felt like I was putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Three surgeries and $40,000 later, and I have to tell you, It was completely worth it. The pain and the inconvenience of all of that. And it was the best money I've ever spent. Worth every penny. I got myself back in every way. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. Like I got to be myself again. I missed myself. So here's the thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My abs look the way they do now because I was willing to invest in myself and fix the injuries. And it's because of how I live now. the choices that I make every single day. In fact, I'm fitter, healthier, and look better now than I did before babies because I know actually how to take better care of myself than I ever did in my twenties and my thirties.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So now let's talk about the non-surgical stuff that I do to maintain my appearance. Yes, you probably figured this out. I get Botox. I do it on my forehead, and in between my brows. This prevents lines. It softens and smooths the existing lines and just gives me a refreshed, lifted look. I personally go very light though because I want to look like myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I want to look natural and to be able to be expressive in my face. I also use tiny bits of Botox very strategically in places that will prevent the lines that I don't want to get. So shout out to my friend, Catherine, who does all of this for me. And I'm sharing this with you because you want to have somebody who can do what she does for me, which is she's an expert and a genius and a magician.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
She really knows the facial anatomy and knows exactly where to inject. So if you're going to do Botox or if you're already doing it, I do suggest you don't just go to your run-of-the-mill med spa. Go to somebody who's actually a technician and really knows facial anatomy. As for fillers, in general, I don't need them and I don't do them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Not because I'm opposed, but because I've always had a full face. I've had a full
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Round cheeks and when I was younger, I always hated my full round face But now I do believe part of the reason that I look so youthful is because of that fullness So I actually welcome the lines that I've started to get on my face Because with my round face before I never really had lines I didn't have character so I don't do the fillers the exception to that is lip filler I tried it a few years ago to even out my smile because my lips aren't symmetrical and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
but I haven't done it since then. What actually changed my face in the best possible way was doing Invisalign. So many adults don't consider getting braces because we had them as teens, but our teeth move a lot. And because it's like, it's almost like a blind spot. We don't even consider it. But so many adults actually have terrible teeth. I had an underbite my entire life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So during COVID, I decided to do something about it. And it's been life-changing. Again, the best money I've ever spent and worth the entire pain in the ass of it all. As for skincare, I invest in good quality skincare products that are animal cruelty free. I have a big bias here, so I'm going to share it. I'm not going to hold back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So before we get into it, I want to share some really important and powerful mindsets and perspectives about our physical appearance and aging, because after all, psychology and our relationship with ourselves is my area of expertise and what I'm known for. And then I promise I'm gonna tell you all the things. So first, I am not anti-aging at all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Does it ever seem like some women just get everything they want? The love, the success, the money, the opportunities. It's like things just always work out for them. Well, it doesn't just seem like it. It is actually happening. But I promise you this, it is not luck. and it's not because they are working harder than you and it's definitely not because they're better than you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And they also know that when they shine, it doesn't dim the light of anyone else. This is the thing that may be a little bit hidden. And most people don't realize that they do this, but some people think... If other people are winning, then I can't win. If they make a lot of money, they're taking from me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
But some people carry a belief, a subconscious belief that, well, if I win, then someone else has to lose. And if I make a lot of money, that somehow is taking away from somebody else. Neither are true. Both are completely false. The women who always get what they want understand that there is more than enough of everything for everyone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They are expansive, they are generous, and they are rooting for every woman in the room. I like to say a win for one woman is a win for all women. More begets more. When one of us has love, it creates more love, for love to go around. And when one of us succeeds, it creates evidence that success is possible for everyone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
So when you embody that belief, when it's not just an affirmation on your mirror, but the energy that you walk into the room with, it's magnetic. Remember that iconic moment on Oprah When she stood on stage and surprised everyone with a car, a car for you and a car for you and a car for you. That is the vibe. There's plenty. And the woman who wins is the woman who wants everybody to win.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It's I want all of us to have this. So walk into every room with that abundance inside of you and be silently or outwardly cheering for everyone. And by the way, you cannot like someone or believe in someone or agree with someone and still be happy for their success because it doesn't detract from your own. What's really powerful about this?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
These women who always get what they want, they understand that their time, their energy, and attention is a valuable and finite and highly desirable commodity. And they don't make themselves available to everyone. And they don't make themselves available to just anyone. It's not just doing this, but it's knowing it. in your soul, in your very being that makes the difference.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
is that when you celebrate someone else's win, you are telling the universe, I'm ready for my turn. And when you see someone else winning, it's evidence that you too are able to win. But when you're stuck in resentment or envy or comparison, you're energetically saying there's not enough. There's not enough for them and me. I don't believe it can happen for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And the universe listens to that energy too. Women who always get what they want know that the fastest way to block your own blessings is to resent someone else for theirs. But the quickest way to multiply your magic is to be the woman who is the first to celebrate another. It's the most unexpected power move there is. It's not push-push. It's pull, it's not competition, it's creation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Because abundance isn't just a mindset, it is a way of being and moving in the world. Finally, habit number eight, the one that I said at the very beginning would be the secret sauce to it all. The women who always get what they want Live today like they already have what they want. So they live now like they already have what they want before they actually have it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And I saved this one for last, honestly, because it might just be the most life-changing of all. And it's the one most people completely miss. Women who always get what they want aren't waiting for the dream job, the soulmate, the money, the bank account, or the right time to start living the life that they want. They're already living it now. They don't say, I'll be happy when I lose 10 pounds.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They are happy now. Or they don't say, I'll finally feel lovable and worthy when somebody loves me. They know that they are lovable now. That isn't how this works. In order to get what you want, you have to live today like you already have it. You have to be the version of you now who is capable of creating it and living that life once you have what it is that you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Okay, I know that's a mouthful. You have to live today as the version of you that you need to be in order to create the thing that you want and then to live the life that you will have once you have what you want. Play that back and listen to it again and again. The old adage of seeing is believing is completely backwards. First, you have to believe and then you will start seeing, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
You have to believe that it's possible. Believe in yourself. Believe that you can do this. Believe you are worthy. And that's when you start seeing the external and outward results in your life. Changing your identity is comes first. So this is also a self-centered core concept. In your life, you have to go first. You have to think like the woman who already has what you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
You have to talk to yourself like the woman who was already living the life that she wants. and you have to act like it too. You have to walk into every room the woman who has a million dollars in the bank. You have to carry yourself as the woman who has an amazing partner who makes her a priority and loves her truly through and through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
You have to talk to yourself as the version of you who is already living the life that you want. Here's where most people get it wrong. It's not when you get the thing that you become the person. It's when you become the person that you get the thing, the love, the success, the dream life that you want. It's not out there waiting to finally choose you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It's waiting for you to choose yourself, to align your thoughts, your actions, your energy with the version of you who already has it, to stop putting your desires on layaway, to stop saying someday and start living like it's happening now. And that's when the things that you want change. just come right into your life. This is not about faking it. It is not delusional. It's not magical thinking.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It's about embodying this. It's about asking yourself every day, how does the woman who already has what I want think, feel, and act and move through her life? And then choosing that, does she start her day rushed and reactive or grounded and intentional? Women who get what they want live in alignment with their future self now. Their actions today match the life they're calling in tomorrow.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Believing this about yourself is where it all begins. And then that translates to the behavior. You must know that your time, your heart, your concern, your thought, your capacity to give of yourself is so valuable that you carefully curate the inner circle of those who get access to it. You don't just hand out a backstage pass to everyone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And this isn't just mindset work. It is full identity work. It's training yourself to be that upgraded version of you now so that when all the goodness arrives on your doorstep, you recognize it, you notice it, You welcome it and you easily receive it because it feels normal and it's expected and it's already familiar to you. Otherwise, here's what's happened.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And maybe you've done this before and felt this before. The good thing comes, the opportunity shows up, the love comes knocking, but you're not ready. It feels unfamiliar. It feels unsafe. It feels foreign to you. It feels too good to be true. You don't trust it and you sabotage it or you push it away or you don't even recognize it right in front of your face.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Because your body and your soul and your being have not yet practiced receiving what you say you want. I know this is a major... kind of thing that I'm dropping on you right now, but it is so important. This was life-changing for me. It continues to be life-changing for me. I created the Daily Journal by accident, the journal that I mentioned earlier. I did this work for myself and it worked.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And it's worked now for thousands of other women. It is the how to train yourself to grow your capacity for more. It's the how of doing the identity work. So stop waiting. Stop putting your joy on hold, your peace on hold. Stop putting your confidence, your... fulfilled life, your dreams, your desires on hold.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
You have to live it now because when your body and your soul know what it feels like, you won't just attract it. You'll be able to hold onto it when it comes. So those are the eight micro habits of women who operate in a way in this world that allows them to just always get what it is that they want. So tell me, Which of these eight powerful micro habits really spoke to you today?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Which ones are you really going to focus on? Which ones are you really going to strengthen? Drop it in the comments. I'd love to hear from you. And if this really resonated, make sure that you are subscribed so that you never miss one of my episodes. Thanks for being here and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
For me, I will do anything for those people who are closest to me. But if someone I hardly know or don't have a close relationship with is asking to pick my brain about business or someone who wants my two cents about their relationship, that's a no. It's not because I don't care about them. It's just that I care more about me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It is not my job to hand over my hard-earned wisdom, my years of investing time and money into developing myself in every way as a skilled clinician, as an eight-figure business owner. So I don't have to hand that over to anyone for free just because they're asking. I value myself and I know my worth. So I know this may be hard for some of you who just want to help everyone all the time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It's because they're moving through the world differently. So today I want to share with you the eight micro habits of women who always seem to get what they want so you can start showing up in your life this way too. And make sure to stay till the very end because I'm saving the most unlikely and surprising one for the last. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And it's kind of the bleeding heart do-gooder mentality. Bless you for that. But no, this is pick me energy. It's scarcity energy. It's seeking energy. And it's let me help you so I can feel good about myself energy. The women who always get what they want take good care of themselves and they gatekeep access to them. So this isn't about not caring.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It's about valuing yourself and not being fully available to anyone and everyone. It makes it easier to show up more fully, freely, and wholeheartedly to the people who have earned their way in. So when these women show up, they show up all in and fully available to those who are in their innermost circle, those who actually deserve to be there and have that access.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
This leads me to habit number two, yes means yes and no means no. Women who always get what they want mean what they say and say what they mean. They communicate truthfully, openly, and directly. They are fully expressed, meaning they don't hold back their truth to please or avoid conflict. They are just simply honest. It's hard to believe that this is rare and special, but it is actually.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Women who get what they want don't say yes out of obligation or because of shoulds. And they don't lie and agree to something they don't agree with or sign up for something they don't want to do. So when they say yes, it's because they mean yes. The yes is an authentic yes. It's in full alignment with her values or her priorities. It's authentic.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And when they say no, they say no without an explanation or an apology. This means she is trustworthy. You can trust her. She isn't lying to make you happy. And then you are wondering if she really wants to be there or if she really means it. Ultimately, what this says about her is that she belongs to herself, is strong in herself, and is in full integrity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
This is a high vibe way of moving in the world, and that is magnetic to the things that you want. Things just start coming to you when you are in that emotional state and in that vibrational energetic level. Habit number three, they believe they are worthy of receiving that which they want. Women who get what they want don't wonder if it's possible. They assume that it is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They know who they are, and they have big dreams, and they believe they are worthy of every single one of them. They don't have this inner naysayer running the show. There's no nasty inner critic keeping them small, doubtful, and holding back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
That means that they're not carrying around the weight of imposter syndrome, always looking over their shoulder, questioning themselves, or waiting for someone else to discover that they really truly don't have what it takes. This means that they don't get stuck in research mode, what an old mentor of mine used to call getting ready to get ready to get ready.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Like sitting on the bench in full uniform while everyone else is out there on the field playing, having fun, living life, winning. but then what if I get hurt? What if I mess up? Maybe I need to practice more. So you sit back down again. Stand up, sit down. Stand up, sit down. Up, down, up, down.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Meanwhile, life and your dreams are passing you by while you sit there ruminating and chasing your tail. I call it sitting and spinning. sitting and spinning in your head, ruminating, doubting yourself, questioning yourself, second guessing yourself, not knowing if you have what it takes, not feeling worthy of getting what it is that you want, questioning yourself all the time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Women who get what they want just get out there and they know that whoever they are as they are right now is enough to be out there. They belong out there. And if something doesn't go as planned, they will figure it out. It's not a reflection of their worth if it doesn't go the way they want it to. They don't hold themselves back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
So it's not sitting on the sideline, having this inner naysayer and this self-doubt and these limiting beliefs holding you back. It's fully believing that you are worthy of having what it is that you want. Hi, it's Hillary. I have a question for you, and let's be honest. Are you proud of what's in your pajama drawer?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
If you're still hanging on to baggy, unflattering sweats or ratty old college tees, it's time to let them go. Cozy Earth pajamas are soft and breathable and luxurious without being bulky or hot. They look amazing and they feel amazing. It's an easy, accessible upgrade that makes you look put together and feel comfortable at the same time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Go to CozyEarth.com and use code HILLARY for 40% off and tell them I sent you if you get a post-purchase survey. So habit number four, the women who always get what they want, they focus on what they do want, not on what they don't. And they don't see obstacles as a sign that it's not meant to be. So these women are fully 100% focused on what they want because where your focus goes is
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
grows, right? You've heard that before, which means if you focus on what you don't want to happen, that is what you'll get. If you plan for the problems and prepare for the problems and focus on the problems, you're going to get more problems. If you wait for the other shoe to drop, it inevitably falls. It makes sense why people do this, to prepare for the worst in case it happens.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
But this is an anxiety response. It's a lack or a scarcity response. And it's not like problems don't occur for people. Shit always happens. But trusting that if and when they do, you will handle it and be able to just move on is the key. I want you to remember this and repeat after me. I deal with problems. I don't dwell on them. Say that again. I deal with problems. I don't dwell on them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
This is your new mantra. By focusing only on what you want, you are in solution-focused mode. You are outcome-focused and you're not getting caught up. and all the obstacles that keep you bogged down and stuck. Some of my ready for love clients have asked me over the years, Hillary, now that I'm out there dating again, how can I spot the narcissist?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
How can I avoid getting involved with another one of those people? And my answer is stop looking for them. If you're looking for these guys out there and you've got your binoculars on and your microscope out and you're looking for them so that you can avoid them, you will get more of them in your life because you get what you expect. And what you focus on is what comes to you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
So instead, focus on what you do want. And what you do want is not the absence of what you don't. Let me say that again. Focusing on what you do want is not the absence of what you don't want. Women who get what they want expect good things. They're not bracing for disappointment. They're expecting success and that is what they get. Habit number five. These women keep their word to themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
So we've all heard the definition of integrity, which is doing the right thing even when no one else is looking, right? Well, guess what? Guess who's always looking? You are. And what you think matters above all, right? It matters more than what anyone else thinks. So women who always get what they want are impeccable with their word, especially to themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
This means they always follow through on the things that are important to them. If they say they're going to do something, they do it. And if they say they are no longer going to do something, they stop doing it. period. When they say, I'm done with this, they're done. And when they say things like, I'm getting up early tomorrow to work out or move my body, they get up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Okay, so let's get into it. There is definitely a way of being in the world that attracts what you want. And the women who seem to always get what they want and the things just always seem to work out for them, they know this and they operate in the world like this. And the difference is their presence. It's what they think and how they feel and what they believe about themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And when they say, I'm not going to tolerate that kind of treatment again, they hold the boundary, even when it's uncomfortable or hard, or even when it's inconvenient. Here's why this is so important. Every time you tell yourself that you're going to do something and then you don't, you chip away at your own trust.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
You give yourself evidence that your word doesn't really mean that much, that you're not someone that you can rely on. And in relationships, when you don't have trust, you have nothing, right? Trust is the foundation of everything. You don't build a house on a faulty foundation with cracks. And in this relationship with yourself, if you can't trust yourself,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
you fail to have a relationship with yourself at all. And over time, and without even realizing it, that becomes self-betrayal. And that becomes the reason that you hesitate or procrastinate or keep doubting yourself. So women who get what they want have built rock solid self-trust. And the way they've done it is simply by following through and doing what they say they're gonna do for themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Habit number six. Women who always get what they want take radical responsibility for themselves in their life. I know this one might sting a little, but it's the truth that will completely set you free. Women who always get what they want are not sitting around blaming their ex, their boss, their parents, their past, their kids, their hormones, their DNA, or the timing of their life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They aren't stuck in complaining mode and whining mode. about what they didn't get or the cards that they were dealt. They're not waiting for the stars to align or for someone else to come along and poof, magically change and make things different in their lives so that they can be happy and get what they want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
If something isn't working, whether it's in their career or their health or their relationships or their finances, they ask one powerful question. What's my part in this? They ask, how am I contributing to this? What am I allowing here? Where are my actions and my words out of alignment with my values and who I am and what I really want?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They're asking, what needs to change and what is within my power to change right now? This isn't about self-blame and it's definitely not about shaming. And it's not about beating yourself up. It's about taking back your power. Because here's the thing about blame and victim energy. It is the lowest vibrational state that you can be in. Just one tiny notch above death.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
It is completely powerless and it keeps you stuck, small and spinning and suffering. Victim thinking sounds like, why me? Why is this happening to me? It's not fair. I can't help it. I've tried everything. There's nothing I can do. It's poor me thinking and somehow the universe has conspired against you. But women who get what they want don't live there. They don't live in that place.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Maybe they fall into it momentarily because we're human. But they don't build a home there. They don't stay there and reside there because they know that when you stay in blame, you stay in bondage. You are completely stuck. Blame is giving your power away. It's putting the key to your happiness and success in someone else's hands.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And this translates into their behaviors. And it's a vibe that is just truly magnetic. So let's break it all down to micro habits. So habit number one, they don't give just anyone access. One of the biggest shifts that I had to make myself and that I teach all my clients is this, be discerning. Be discerning with who gets access to you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
And you're stuck waiting for someone else to unlock the door for you. And all of this speaks to core concept number one of self-centered living, which is that in your life, you are always the problem and you are also then always the solution. You're not powerless. And that's what women who get what they want know deep in their bones. And they don't hope and pray and wish and dream or wait.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
They just take action and know that it is up to them if they want a change. This is super high value and how you become truly magnetic to the things that you want. You can't help but have things come your way when you are in that state of being. for all the things to always work out in your favor.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Habit number seven, the women who always get what they want embody abundance and cheer for everyone to win. This might surprise you because it's the opposite of what most people think it takes to succeed and to win. A lot of people walk through life believing that getting what they want means that they have to hustle harder and compete or outshine someone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
Or that if they win, it's taking away a win from someone else. Like there's this weird connection between your path and journey and somebody else's. But women who always get what they want know that that is scarcity energy and it repels everything that you want. Here's the secret. You don't have to fight for your piece of the pie when you know that you can just bake another pie anytime you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
8 Micro Habits of Women Who Always Get What They Want
the women who always seem to have the love, the success, the opportunities, and the joy, they aren't looking around at other women thinking, must be nice, and begrudging them their happiness and joy. They're not comparing and thinking, why can they have it but I can't? They're not secretly hoping that someone else fails so that they can win. They're not feeling smaller when someone else shines.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
If it's getting harder and harder to stay fit as you age, and what you used to do no longer works, and if you're tired of punishing your body with workouts that hurt, or you're confused about what to eat and all those shoulds that you are supposed to be doing to stay fit and look a certain way, this conversation is for you. I'm 52 years old, and I'm in the best shape of my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
All that I had been doing for my workouts and my fitness routine had become such a habit that I was doing it all on autopilot. Which, of course, on the one hand is great because I have a daily habit of working out. But I was doing it all without paying attention to myself. And what I had been doing in my 30s and 40s, especially to bounce back after babies, just wasn't feeling good to me anymore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
But I kept doing it. I was doing hardcore HIIT workouts and boot camps and Orange Theory and going all out and running long distances just to see how far I could go and even how fast I could go. I was lifting super heavy weights, like ridiculously heavy weights at a gym that's meant for bodybuilding. I did it all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
But as I approached 50, I began to feel like it wasn't energizing me anymore, but it was fatiguing me. And I wasn't feeling fit, but I was feeling inflamed. And it was taking me longer to recover and to rehydrate, and I just felt like I needed to rest during the day, which is just not how working out is supposed to make you feel. It was actually making me feel old.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
But I kept pushing forward, as usual, noticing the fatigue, but not changing anything, but pushing through. So one day I had a come to Jesus moment with myself and I literally heard what I was saying, my inner monologue. And what I was saying was really important information. For me, I was doing all of that to prove that I could. prove that I could. That's crazy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I'm leaner and stronger and more confident than ever, but I don't count calories, and I don't track my macros, and I quit high-intensity workouts years ago. And while I'm not a nutritionist, a personal trainer, or a fitness influencer, or anything like that, I get these questions all the time. What do you eat? And what are your workouts? And what's your secret?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I had been the last picked in gym class in elementary school, little Hillary. And I really always thought of myself as unathletic. And so there was this subconscious need to prove I am fit. I am a badass. I can do these hard things, proving to myself that I can. And I realized, holy shit, that is just not a kind and loving thing way of being. It was actually rather punishing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
How I was approaching all of my workouts was discipline. So I just stopped it immediately. This is not how I want to treat myself or talk to myself at all. So I encourage you to tune in and listen to yourself. What are you saying to yourself about your body, about your workouts? Are you proving? Are you punishing? Are you being too critical of yourself?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Maybe you're saying things like, this is just the way my body is. This is just my body type. I'm doing all that I can. It's not my fault. Nothing is really working. I just want you to listen to what is your relationship to this part of your life. Because as we all know, our old friend Einstein said, doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is insanity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I just call it denial. So are you happy with the results of whatever it is that you're doing? Because if not, it is time for something different, a different approach, a different workout, or a different mindset. This leads me to the next change that I made. I tuned out all the noise of all the people telling me all the things that I'm supposed to be doing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
The keto, the paleo, the intermittent fasting, the macros and grams of protein and eating for your body type or your blood type, making sure you get 10,000 steps and lifting heavy weights. There's so much. I even bought that little device that you blow into to measure whether you're burning fat. There's just, it's ridiculous. There's just too much information.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
A lot of it is conflicting and they're passing trends and passing fads. And it can just overwhelm anyone, cause analysis paralysis and overthinking. And that is no way to live. And that's what I was stuck in. So I decided to just stop all of it. I literally broke all the rules and decided to do things my way. I'm kind of a rule breaker anyway.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I don't know about you, but it's hard for me to follow a set of arbitrary rules that are rigid. It's a setup for failure. And I've never, ever been able to follow a diet and count calories. Telling me to do something specific every single day just doesn't work for me because what if I don't feel like it? What if I don't want to? Or what if I do want to? And then I would beat myself up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
or feel bad for not being able to stick to it. I once had a trainer ask me, what kind of body do you want to build? And I couldn't answer her for a minute because that didn't feel right to me. And what I realized is I don't want to build my body. I don't want to look super muscular. I wanna be strong, but not to have the biggest muscles that I can have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
So I decided what I want to look like, not what the influencers say and not what the aging doctors say or what fitness people say, but what I want to look like. And what is ideal for me is maybe not ideal for you. We all get to choose.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Being strong and having muscle as we age is important, but I decided to get to a certain place and then work to maintain that baseline for myself, but not to keep building as much as possible. For me, I want to have a lean tone and feminine form. And I not only want to be strong, but I also want to be flexible. because that is just as important for avoiding injury as we age.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
How do you stay so fit, especially in your 50s? What are you doing? So today I am sharing exactly what I've been doing to achieve these results, and it's really about letting go of all those shoulds. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
So just tune out all the noise and break all the rules. Make your own rules. Be unruly. It's better to just adopt a lifestyle with guidelines rather than rules. It's like having bumpers instead of guardrails. to gently keep you in line. It's a kinder and more loving and more gentle approach towards yourself. Now for change number three, I'm gonna share my lifestyle habits.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Again, it's a high level set of rules or bumpers or guidelines for myself. And as long as I stay in balance, I'm good. And while I'm getting to the specifics here, what is more important is the psychology of it all. the mindset about it. It's how I feel about it and my approach. So I'm going to share with you my kind of guiding principles that I live by.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
And the first one is that I move my body every single day. It's just a part of my life. It's just what I do. It's a non-negotiable. I don't think about if I'm going to work out today. I don't even think about when. It's a given. I just wake up and I do it every morning like a habit, like brushing my teeth. There's no deciding. There's just doing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
And I don't even take rest days because I'm not overexerting my body so much that I need to rest the next day. Sometimes I work out in the morning and do a walk in the afternoon in the summertime because I want to. I sit all day for work and so it just feels good for me to get up and move. And sometimes it's more about my mental health than it is anything else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Next, you might like this one, I eat what I want when I want. No depriving myself or starving myself because I'm supposed to be fasting for 12 hours or 16 hours. That feels really abusive to me, to be starving and make myself wait to eat. I don't like that at all. I also don't cut out food groups anymore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Bread used to be a big no-no for me, but now I literally have a piece of sourdough toast for breakfast pretty much every morning, along with my vegan protein smoothie. I eat when I'm hungry, not when I'm supposed to. And I listen to my body. It's a more intuitive approach to eating. The key here for me is to not overeat. As long as I'm not overeating, I'm good.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I will share in transparency that I am mostly plant-based. I don't eat cows or pigs or dairy, but this is more about a moral issue than a health issue. And Ideally, I would be fully vegan, but I haven't gotten myself quite there just yet. I also should share that I just don't eat junky processed food or fast food. It's really just not a part of my life. It doesn't feel like I'm depriving myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I just don't like it. It's gross to me. And so it's easy for me to avoid that. So I just make healthy choices. And I just keep in mind that I need to have fiber and protein. That's pretty much it. And I don't even always get that right. what. I'm just letting myself live.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
So two other parameters for me, but this is something that I just do naturally, but I should mention it because it probably does contribute a lot to my fitness. And that is that I don't eat after dinner, which is usually done around six or seven, depending on the time of the year or the day of the week, or if we have plans with friends, things like that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
But in general, I don't snack late at night or eat after I'm done eating dinner. I just don't. That gives me a natural fasting window and I just don't feel like I need any more fuel if I'm just winding down and going to bed. And finally, this one is probably the hardest for everyone, alcohol and sweets. I just keep that to a minimum.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I just don't indulge that often and it's not that hard for me because I'm a super lightweight and And after one drink, I'm already feeling it. So it just doesn't feel that good to me to have more than that. And only occasionally when I do have the sweets, I enjoy it without guilt or remorse or self recrimination. Avoiding sweets is also not hard for me because I'm more of a savory kind of girl.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I would definitely tend to overdo it with French fries over desserts any day. So those were my four kind of lifestyle habits. Now we're going back to the fourth change and this isn't actually something that I've started to do recently.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I've been doing this a long time and it is absolutely essential and it is definitely one of the reasons that I look and feel so good and that is I make myself a priority. You have to make yourself a priority. If you've been with me for a long time, you know I advocate for this all the time. It is absolutely critical that in your life, you come first.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
If something is important to you, then it's important, period, because you are important. And if you don't make yourself a priority, no one else will. You can be too busy for a chore or an errand or a favor, but you are never too busy for yourself. Okay, repeat after me. I am never too busy for myself. The clients that are in my 12-week Ready for Love program often lose weight.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I've heard 9 pounds and 14 pounds and even 20 pounds in 12 weeks. And it's not because we're talking about nutrition, but because of this very thing. These are high-achieving women who are super successful in their careers and they often have kids. So they've come last in their lives for a long time. And making this one simple shift doesn't just change your fitness.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
It literally changes everything. Number five, make working out and fitness enjoyable. So when I first started doing Orange Theory, it was fun. But after a while, it was not only boring, it was super predictable, and then it became tedious. And I hated going, but I kept making myself go. One of my fellow 6AMers at the gym told me that he hates working out, but he's there every single day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
And while good for him for being there, something that you do every day, you don't want to loathe doing it. How much harder would it be to follow through if that's how you feel about it, right? So here are a few tips to make it more enjoyable. The first is variety. Variety makes things so much more enjoyable. Every day I do something different. I just mix it up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
What I do, whatever I'm in the mood for, whatever I feel like doing, whatever my body craves. And it's a little bit of each body part every day. For me, it's arms every day and ass every day. so that all of my body gets attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
It's so weird for me to be having this conversation today because I never in a million years would have ever thought of myself as an example for fitness. I'm five foot one, and I don't exactly have that body type, but here I am having this conversation with you because it is one of the most commonly asked questions that I get.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
There are people who are at the gym who are very regimented and they've got their notebook and they're writing down how many reps and how many weights and they have a plan and it's leg day or arm day or whatever and it's very regimented and if that works for you, then do it, but for me, I want this to be fun and not a should or a have to, but I get to.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
And so sometimes I just get to the gym and I don't even know what I'm going to do until I get there and I make it up as I go. It's what I feel like doing. Sometimes it's lightweights and lots of reps and sometimes it's heavyweights and fewer reps. do Tracy Anderson workouts like three or four times a week. I love this workout.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Sometimes it's the full mat experience and sometimes it's just a 15 minute body boost after I've done weights. It literally feels like I'm making love to the mat. It is a gorgeous, sensual experience for me and it's an amazing way to start the day. So if you're somebody who likes movement like Pilates and yoga or dance, I highly encourage you to try her workout.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
She has a free two-week trial or something like that. I don't get any kind of kickback. I'm just a loyal fan and I have been streaming her since 2019. Few other things to keep it enjoyable. Because working out is a huge part of my life, I literally wake up every day and get dressed to go work out. I invest in workout clothes. It's just a part of my wardrobe.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
I want to wear what makes me feel amazing, what is fun or flattering or makes me feel amazing when I'm working out. And I do this for me. Even if I'm just going for a walk or even during COVID when I was working out in the Go for it. There's no reason to work out and feel and look like a schlub. That's not motivating or inspiring.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Okay, and lastly, I know a lot of people listen to podcasts or audio books when they're working out, but this is because they're in multitask mode or they're trying to be efficient with their time. I really highly encourage you to only listen to music while you are working out. This is not a time for focusing on other. It is a time to be focusing on you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
Let this be your time to connect to yourself. Make the mind, body, spirit connection. Because all the rest of the day, you are literally pulled out of your head and forced to interact with the world around you. So let this be your time to connect deeply with yourself. So all of this is less about what you are doing and instead about how you are doing it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
You're approaching your health and wellness and your body and working out and eating from a place of self-devotion. rather than from a place of self-discipline. That is just a key distinction to make. So listen to yourself. You do know what is best for you. You do. And that really is the biggest takeaway from our conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
If you want to go deeper on this, I do have a program called Self-Devotion. I will drop the link in the show notes and in the description if you want to check it out. Thanks for being here and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Stay Fit Over 40! (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)
So I'm sharing what I've been up to in the last few years, five changes that have gotten me into the best shape of my life, gave me my best body, and along with it, my peace of mind, which is way more important than anything. anything. So the first thing that I did was listen to myself. I literally hit the pause button on what I was doing, like blowing the whistle and taking a timeout.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Do you ever feel like you're doing so much, juggling all the things for family and house, the car and the kids and yourself too? These days, women are really stretched thin. We are often the house manager, the primary parent, and increasingly, we are also the breadwinners, holding it all together. We are the glue in our family's and in our communities being all things to everyone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Sometimes I don't even ask. It is simply receiving help or kindness from somebody without even having to ask for it. And that just tells me I am more in my feminine energy without even trying to be. It really is a gift when someone extends themselves without being asked. And because again, as I said earlier, that means that you are being seen and witnessed. I feel seen and witnessed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Even just having someone open a door for us, right? I can tell you when a man opens the door for me, it feels lovely. Actually, it doesn't even have to be a man. When anyone opens the door for me, it feels lovely to receive that. Even after 24 years together with my husband, when we're on a date, he still gets the chair for me and I love it. And he still tries to remember to open the door for me
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
in the car when we're heading home. Here's what I mentally decided. I made an agreement with myself. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know, and so does anyone else who is looking, that I'm highly capable. So I could stop trying to prove that I can do it all and that I don't need anyone. The thing about uber independence and being super self-sufficient is that it's a wall.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It's preventing you from receiving that which you actually desire because it feels vulnerable to do so. But being vulnerable is a superpower for the men and the women who are willing to lead in this way. And it is a feminine energy trait. Allowing others to do for us is a gift. Always being the giver, the problem solver, the helper, the fixer is a very masculine trait and role. It's
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It's control and ultimately self-protection. So yes, I intentionally walk slower towards a door so my husband or someone else can open it for me. I do ask people to reach things for me in the store. And at the gym, I'll ask somebody who's stronger than me to help put a weight back up on a rack if it's too high.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
True feminine energy means leaning back and receiving and letting others show up for us. And so here's the thing. When we are fully in one energy state, it calls forth the complementary energy in others. So when women are in full masculine energy mode, pushing and driving and doing, there is no room for anyone else to be in the masculine energy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It pulls the feminine forward in them like a magnet. So when we are fully tapped out from this masculine energy overload, rather than continuing to push and push and push, which will burn us out and age us, if we can consciously put ourselves into feminine mode, the masculine rises within those around us, easing the burden.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So whether it's your lover, your kids, your team, strangers that you encounter in your day-to-day life, I feel it immediately when my husband or some man that I come in contact with my life shows me strong masculine leadership. I immediately feel my feminine rising. I do relax and I allow and I receive. And that is so, so beautiful.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And I can arouse the masculine in them by first intentionally being in my feminine. So ladies, we don't have to do it all in order for it to all get done. Leaning back and letting go, relying on our feminine traits of elevating and raising others up, allowing them to contribute and create means we get more done without having to do it all ourselves. And it's fun being in the feminine.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
There is so much more pleasure inside of us than we realize and more than we know we are capable of. So try it. Try these. Pick one or two and let me know how you feel. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So I'm going to start with a quick and simple explanation of the traits of each energy just so we have a mutual understanding for our conversation. Typical masculine traits are push-oriented and fall into the realm of doing, so competing, producing, driving, asserting, proving, risk-taking, and being fast-paced. It's being goal-oriented and rational and determined and disciplined.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Typical feminine traits are receive-oriented and fall into the realm of being, so collaborating, cooperating, nourishing, creating, consensus building, emotional intelligence, sensuality as in of the senses, enhancing the self-worth of others and a relaxed pace. It's being pleasure oriented, intuitive, empathic, compassionate, vulnerable, and inclusive.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
You can see how the masculine traits may be perceived as more valuable or necessary for getting shit done. While the feminine can be overlooked in that regard, it may seem passive, but don't be fooled. And I'm going to talk about this at the very end.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
But the truth is the most effective, dynamic, and revered women and men among us are fully integrated humans embodying both and expressing both the masculine and the feminine that is inside of all of us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
The more women exist in this masculine dominant mode, the more it takes a toll on our wellbeing, our quality of life, and it impacts the dynamics and the satisfaction in our romantic relationships and other relationships in our lives too. We end up alienating ourselves and falling into overwhelm or burnout resentment, and exhaustion.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And this can take a toll on our physical health, our emotional well-being, burning out our adrenals. It causes exhaustion and creates resentment. And the truth is it also takes a toll on our appearance. It ages us. And guess what? All this do, do, doing is a highly masculine energetic state. So one of my best kept secrets to radiant youthful beauty is not a skincare routine or a magic serum.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And this masculine energy makes it very difficult to receive the very love, attention, help, support, and nurturing that we deeply desire and we crave. And the with a very important part of ourselves and our identity, a part of our being. This part of ourselves is beautiful and radiant.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And when women are nurtured and nourished and fortified and cared for, not only are we better, the world is a much better place. And ironically, we end up getting even more done and accomplished without having to do it all ourselves, believe it or not. And that's what I'm going to share with you at the very end.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It all starts with us learning how to do this for ourselves so that we can consciously shift into and out of each mode at will. And that will allow our friends and our family and our romantic partners the space they need to show up for us as we do for them. which is why the feminine energy becomes a regenerative source. It's a life-giving source.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
In the last couple of years, I've really focused on reclaiming and reconnecting with my feminine energy because I felt out of balance and out of whack and burned out completely. And so these are just some of the things that I think about and do on a daily basis. to stay connected to and inside of and in the realm of my feminine energy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
If you're feeling a bit unbalanced and out of flow, just pick one or two of these to start focusing on. It's not about adding yet another thing to your to-do list. It's about actually downshifting so you can do less and enjoy more. So the first thing is my favorite, and that is to soften
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It's a cue word for me, and it reminds me to get into the state of being that for me is more relaxed, trusting, believing, allowing, opening, and receiving. Can you feel that? It feels nice, doesn't it? So I have a mental and emotional and a physical response to this word. Just saying it can immediately shift me there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
This is as opposed to resisting, defending, proving, pushing, guarding, which is like a super stiff, rigid mental and emotional state of being. So soften yourself. You don't need all of that external push because your masculine energy is really there for you if you ever really need it in a flash. You don't need to lead with it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
You can move through the world with this softness as your primary state and understand it doesn't make you weak or defenseless. You're not risking anything. You're not putting yourself in danger in any way. Softening simply allows you to be in your feminine, which is being more open to experiencing all the infinite possibilities available to you. So say this word to yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
and see how your body responds. See how your shoulders drop and you just release the need to control and be on guard. See how you can immediately feel more feminine within yourself. You'll notice how you walk and move differently too. Soften, often. So next, I have intentionally slowed down. I've always been a fast mover.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I walk fast, think fast, talk fast, make decisions fast, and I admit I drive fast. I even used to eat fast, and it feels really good to only walk fast when I need to or when I'm exercising. And I still have a lot of things to accomplish each day, but rushing around in a mad frenzy to get as much done as possible is a very masculine vibe.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So rather than rushing around from thing to thing, I'm intentionally giving myself grace and space, allowing more time to get things done. I'm still an action taker and highly productive. but the pressure is off. I don't have to be uber productive to feel good about myself. And how I do things is more important than just doing it. This is the shift away from the doing and more into the being.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I'm focusing on allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than focusing on just achieving the goal. I've always been pretty goal-oriented, only allowing myself to be happy or joyful or excited or feeling fortified or feeling fulfilled when I cross that finish line and achieve the goal and cross off my things on my to-do list, rather than being process-oriented, which is more feminine.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It's in summoning my feminine energy. I've discovered that when I live my life and lead with my feminine energy, whether it's in my business, my personal relationships, or even in my daily life, I get more done without doing it all myself. And I'm able to be strong and powerful and fully feminine at the same time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So now I'm just really focusing on the process, Slowing down gives me time to notice, observe, and witness the small moments along the way to the goal. Those are the moments that I might have missed when I'm hyper-focused on just getting things done. And this allows me to have way more pleasure in my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So an example is I leave my phone at home when I'm walking my dog, and I enjoy her and the scenery rather than just texting and messaging and working while I'm walking. I often pause my workout just to notice and appreciate the gorgeous sunrise coming through the glass wall of windows at my gym.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I've started taking the time to chat with the early morning regulars at the gym who feel like friends and family in a way because we see each other almost every day rather than just being all business and getting my workout in and leaving. I've allowed more time to for that to happen if I want it to. Taking the time for this connection has added so much joy to my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Slowing down has allowed me to connect more deeply with myself and with others. Everyone has shopping on their brains, myself included. So my team and I decided to put together a Black Friday holiday gift guide inspired by my YouTube listeners who are always asking me about my earrings or my glasses.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I put all of my current favorite everyday luxuries, as I call them, into this gift guide so you can put them on your list for you, of course. Well... also for your besties or your loved ones too. It's free, so grab your copy by signing up for my newly launched newsletter called Self-Centered at hillarysilver.com forward slash gift. Number three, I'm being more emotionally available.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So here's the thing. Women often talk about men being emotionally unavailable as if it's a trait or a flaw that only men are capable of, but women are also emotionally unavailable. In fact, we attract who we are. Our relationships are a mirror, not just in our romantic lives, but in general. So being more attuned to myself means I'm taking time to acknowledge my emotional self, my emotional world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I'm feeling all of my feelings and I'm processing them and expressing them too, rather than stuffing them down, being too busy to feel them, turning away from them, denying them or hiding away from them. Being deeply connected to my emotional self and not being ashamed or embarrassed to share that part of me is authentic and genuine and honest.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And the byproduct of this has actually led to eating less because I'm not emotionally eating as much. This in itself feels more feminine too, eating slowly and stopping when I've had enough. rather than overeating or mindlessly eating on autopilot. So just being more in tune with myself all the time, but even when I'm eating, because I've been more emotionally available to myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
When I show up in this emotionally available way, it invites that from others. And that kind of connection is truly beautiful. And it's like, to me, the purpose of life. Number four, I have focused on being more in my body too. So not just connected to my emotions, but in my body. So this word embodied is really a lovely word. Embodied humans have almost a supernatural presence.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I can be alpha and feminine at the same time, not giving up my productivity or my edge, but without burning out. This helps keep me looking and feeling my best. So today I'm explaining how this issue affects us women and our romantic relationships too. And I'm sharing with you six ways that I've really learned to reconnect with my feminine energy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I'm aware of my physical self in a good way. So moving with more grace and intention, almost like a dance, fluidly. And so the difference would be watching a speed walker or watching a ballerina sauntering out onto the stage. Everyday moments, just being more in my body feels really good. So I've added more time in the morning to stretch before I work out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And so when I'm stretching, I'm in my body. When I'm working out, when I'm just moving around in my house, getting in and out of my car, cooking in the kitchen, or walking next to my husband.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
I can't tell you how many times in the past I've bumped into my countertop over the years, clipping the corner of the countertop with my hip and giving myself a bruise because I was rushing around and being careless and not being in my body and moving with intention. So now I'm noticing and paying attention to how I move and walk and carry myself around all the time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
It's like a consciousness of self that I never had before. I've intentionally considered how I want to feel in my body, which is feminine and sensual and strong all at the same time. Then moving with those words in my mind, So it becomes an external expression of myself. It emanates this presence. So what do I look like from the perspective of an observer? What am I expressing?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Am I rushing around unaware of my physicality or... Am I moving with the grace and femininity I have inside of me? It feels so much better to cultivate this physical sense of self rather than being disconnected from my body throughout the day. Number five, enhancing the self-worth of others is like a superhero superpower.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
And we all have the ability to do this, but it's considered a feminine energy trait. And I do this for a living. So my feminine energy is present within me when I'm working almost all day long. And my leadership style is definitely feminine. I'm collaborative with my team. I elevate my team. I express gratitude for them. I encourage them to grow and to contribute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
But in the rest of my life and in the past, I might have just put my head down and avoided connecting with other people. I'm just too busy or didn't have time for it or just didn't want to deal with it. But now I'm consciously more giving of myself when I'm out in the world. And one way to do this is by acknowledging people. because we all want to be acknowledged and seen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So whether it's just eye contact, smiling at someone as you walk by, giving authentic compliments, being open to a brief exchange of some kind, taking the time for that and acknowledging people. In those moments, even just for a second, it's a super simple but effective and impactful way to be in your feminine energy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
When we take the time to acknowledge someone, it does something in the universe, right? I see you. It's what the word namaste comes from. I see you, right? I see you and I acknowledge you and I honor you. That's really a very feminine trait. And number six, you're gonna love this one. Number six is I've begun to live more in my feminine energy by learning to receive.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
Receiving help, attention, acknowledgement, recognition, compliments without feeling the need to reciprocate. This is an entirely feminine trait that so many women have. have a very difficult time embracing. We want to do it ourselves to prove we can, or we've just become accustomed to doing it ourselves because we've been let down in the past or abandoned by our parents or our partners.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So we just suck it up and get it all done, But then we have a hard time receiving from others when they want to give to us. We make it really hard for them to do that. We make it so that there's no room for others to contribute and give back to us, even though that really is what we want more than anything. This is being invulnerable, which is the opposite of feminine.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
not just to look and feel better, but I actually achieve more. And stick around till the very end because I'm sharing one game-changing truth about masculine and feminine energy dynamics that can transform all of your relationships. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Awaken Your Feminine Energy for Beauty, Productivity, and Love
So sometimes I ask for help, like in a store when I can't reach something because I am only 5'1". Yes, I have been seen climbing the shelves to reach something on the top or dragging the ladder down the aisle to get something. But imagine watching somebody do that or imagine watching somebody receive the help of a stranger or reaching this for them. This is two very different energies.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Are you the one everyone turns to when something needs to get done? The go-to person who always steps in? fixes the problems, has the answers, and makes sure everything runs smoothly? If so, that's likely because you're smart and effective and just a highly functioning human, which of course is great. I see myself that way too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So today we're diving into the surprising reasons why over-functioning, the constant giving and doing and fixing and sacrificing is really not the virtue that you've been led to believe and think that it is. It's actually hurting you and everyone around you. So let's get into it.
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Overfunctioning is when you take on more than your fair share of responsibility for things, the things that other people could and should be doing for themselves. So the first reason why this is bad for everyone involved is that you're training people to rely on you. When you overfunction, you're training people to depend on you for everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
They start to subconsciously think, mom will handle it. Wifey knows what to do. Or ask Hillary. She knows what to do. She's got it covered. Over time, this creates a cycle where they stop trying to solve problems themselves because they know you'll just step in and do it. You think that you're helping, but you're actually creating dependence. And it's exhausting for you and disempowering for them.
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Over time, they begin to underfunction. And it's a truly damaging dynamic in all of our relationships, but especially our romantic ones, which then leads to the second reason, which is that you're robbing them of their wins and their lessons.
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So when you swoop in to save the day, you're stealing their opportunity to experience the satisfaction of solving a problem or accomplishing something on their own. Even if it's something small, we all feel good crossing things off our to-do list and and taking care of our business. We need this as humans to face our challenges or hardships and to figure it out, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But there is a difference between being highly functioning and over-functioning, which really isn't all that great. In fact, if you suspect this might be you, today's episode will be an eye-opening wake-up call. I'm flipping the script. on the way we think about the person who is the go-to problem solver, fixer, giver type person.
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So even just having to deal with annoying little things that we don't wanna deal with and we do it anyway actually is good for us, which then means they don't get to feel the pride of a win. They don't get to feel like they earned the W, okay? Because they stuck to it or they figured it out or they got resourceful.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And then, of course, they also then can't feel the disappointment, the frustration, or the sadness from a really hard-earned lesson when something doesn't turn out as hoped or expected. So we've all heard the word enabling, right? But this is actually disabling.
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It stunts growth because over time they aren't developing the skills, the resilience, the confidence, and the ability to trust themselves to just face life in general. They aren't learning self-sufficiency, whether it's a child, a friend. a family member, someone that you work with, or a lover. And so I know this is not the intention, quite opposite, right?
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You think you're being helpful and loving and giving and caring, but it is what is happening. So just let that sink in and be a motivating factor. for you in changing this dynamic in your relationships and in how you operate. What makes this challenging to change is number three, which is that you're kind of getting something out of it.
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If the people in your life come to depend on you to help solve problems or handle tough situations, it kind of crowns you the queen. You get to be seen as the smart one, the capable one, the strong one, right? Whatever you want to call it.
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And while you may complain about it and say you resent everyone leaning on you and always being the go-to person, let's be honest, there's a part of you that likes being the hero. If you're around my age, you may remember the superhero cartoon called Mighty Mouse. Do you remember that? He used to swoop in singing, here I come to save the day, right? I loved Mighty Mouse.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But maybe just have that tune in your head when you feel tempted to step in and remind yourself not to be Mighty Mouse. They need to be their own hero and rescue themselves. We all do. We need to be our own hero.
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And thinking about it this way instead means by not stepping in, you are actually still helping because you're not helping and giving them space instead, space and grace to figure it out themselves, right? So you're still helping them. by not actively getting involved and helping. So we might think that it feels good to be needed, but what feels even better is when we are just wanted.
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Because when there is a part of you that needs to be needed, your sense of worth or value or significance from rescuing becomes dependent on others needing you. So the cycle continues and it becomes a trap. By you needing them to need you, you set it up so that they always need you, so that you're always needed. Makes sense? It is a vicious trap.
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And let's not forget, when you do it all, you get to control how it's done. It's on your timeline, on your terms, and to your standards. Some things may not fit this when it has nothing to do with you, but when what you're helping with does have to do with you, you can see how there's a payoff here. So ask yourself, what am I getting out of this role?
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And is it really worth the cost to my energy, my sanity, and my relationships? What would happen if I step back instead of stepping in? And is that consequence something that we all can deal with, even if it's hard? Likely it is. Those hard times, remember, are our learning and growth opportunities for all of us.
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Sometimes we are trying to spare our loved ones from pain or learning the hard way or facing some kind of brutal consequence, but it is their consequence to face. And that is just important life lessons all around. I know for me personally, I can be stubborn and I always have to learn the hard way. It just seems that I always have to learn the hard way.
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And I'm going to share five eye-opening reasons why all of this over-functioning is not only bad for you, it's just bad, period. And stick around until the end because I'm sharing how to stop the cycle of over-functioning even when it seems like the consequences of not helping are high. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But I promise you, I guarantee you, once I experience something for myself, I can finally just get it. I learn it. Okay, I'm a learn by doing person and a lot of us are. Okay, so reason number four, you're hogging the joy of giving. This is the twist that no one sees coming. Think about how good it feels when you do something kind or you help solve a problem for someone, right?
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In healthy parameters, within healthy normal limits, it feels good. There is a joy, a satisfaction or a pleasure surge that we get, right? And by always being the one to save the day, you're actually hogging all the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction for yourself. It's usurping or hijacking the opportunity for others to experience the amazing feelings that we get when we solve the problem
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or overcome the obstacles and figure things out for ourselves. They don't get to cross the finish line because you're crossing it for them. Thinking about it this way might make you feel bad or even selfish. And it would be if you persist and insist on continuing like this. But I know you likely haven't thought about it this way. So for most of us, we do better once we know better, right?
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So rather than beat yourself up for this, just take it in, and make the adjustments that you need to make. And by the way, the Daily Journal is the exact tool to help you make these changes because the process of writing in the prompts that I'm providing for you help you change the way you think about yourself and all of this.
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which then naturally changes your behavior, your actions, and your choices. You're literally going to rewire and reprogram your brain in 90 days, deciding for yourself who you want to be and how you want to be in the world. It really is truly transformational. So again, I put the link in the show notes and in the pinned comments. I really kind of urge you to just give it a try.
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So here's the last reason overgiving and overfunctioning is just bad all around. And it is the bitter pill. But then I'm going to solve it for you. So make sure you stick around. You're blocking the flow of reciprocity. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual contribution and reciprocity, a natural flow of give and take. No, I'm not talking about tit for tat and scorekeeping.
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It's a more organic flow of two people who just care for each other in some way, putting in to the relationship. And over givers block that natural flow by refusing to ask for, accept, and receive help, attention, and support from others. Sometimes over givers will say they want to receive as much as they are giving, but it just doesn't happen.
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And so then you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or unimportant, and also just burnt out from all the overgiving and the effort. Add in a little bit of resentment sometimes too, okay? But being such an overgiver means that you can turn anyone into a taker. You've kind of created a monster here.
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People may want to reach out, but over time have learned that you're just going to decline, so they've stopped asking. Here's the deal. What's going on underneath it all? is really a deep subconscious lack of self-worth. People who have a hard time receiving don't feel worthy of receiving the very time, attention, help, and love that they long for. So you won't make it happen, okay?
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All of your over-functioning output keeps you chasing self-worth by what you can do for people. And the focus always being on everyone else is deflection. It keeps you safe and protected because receiving just feels so very uncomfortable. That somebody would want to do something for you feels really, really vulnerable. And it's just something that you might not be willing to do.
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And so you position yourself as someone who doesn't need help from anyone. And then it feels like nobody cares about you. Nobody is willing to give to you. It's always about them and it's never about you. When you do it all, you create an imbalance in your relationships and you are actually blocking those in your life
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from being able to show up for you, essentially robbing them from the experience of joy and satisfaction that we all get when we give. So by now you know I'm all about the bitter pill and the magic pill. And if you aren't, go back and listen to and watch some of my previous episodes.
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If all that we just talked about is the bitter pill, that this over-giving, over-functioning thing is a you problem, it also then means that it's a you solution. And that's the magic pill, okay? The goal isn't to stop giving altogether. It's to give in a way that's balanced, intentional, and empowering both for you and everyone else.
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If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
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When you stop over-functioning, you free up your energy to focus on what truly matters You create space for other people to grow and contribute. And then you get to experience the joy of a relationship that's built on mutual respect and reciprocity. Here are some questions for you to ask yourself. Self-reflection here. Am I doing this because I genuinely want to or because I feel obligated?
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Am I stepping in because I think they can't handle it or because I don't trust them to do it right? What would happen if I backed off and let them figure it out? What would happen if I leaned back and allowed someone to help me? Being a receiver, this is new, right? This would be new for you. And you will have to ask for help at first.
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And then you have to remember to show up being willing to receive. And the people who know you the old way, it may take a minute for them to catch on, but they eventually will. Rather than being quick to say yes to helping, and offering your two cents, try first asking these questions. What have you already tried to figure this out? What do you think you can do to solve this problem?
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If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Coach them to be resourceful and self-centered. In this new approach, you're still helping, but you're not being the one doing it all. Because remember, over-functioning isn't noble. It is a trap. By setting yourself on fire just to keep everyone else warm, you're burning yourself out and you're keeping everyone else in the dark. Stop doing it all. and start doing only what truly matters.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And you will be amazed at how much better you feel and actually how much better everyone else around you feels too. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. It's really, really important. And don't forget to grab my free mini video training, This Changes Everything. The link to that and the journal are in the show notes and in the description.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
We might think that being so available to others, being helpful or generous of spirit and time is altruistic or benevolent, but there is a very dark side to this and it's costly for both parties.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
What if I told you that the thing you so deeply desire, a loving relationship, financial freedom, your best body, isn't actually what you really want, and that the way you've been trying to get that thing might be the very reason you don't have it yet? I've spent 35 years of figuring this out through my own personal journey
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
then I'll believe. We delay the belief until we have some kind of proof or evidence that it's okay to believe it. And so it sounds like this. I'll be happy when, I'll feel reassured when, if this happens, then I'll feel good enough. So what ends up happening is that we chase after the things that we think will provide what it is we seek to feel or believe about ourselves. We chase love
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
thinking that someone else's affection means we are lovable and worthy and deserving of love. I'll believe I'm lovable once someone loves me. I'll believe I'm likable when someone likes me. I'll believe I'm desirable when someone desires me. We chase beauty, hoping that if we look a certain way, we'll finally feel good enough and deserving of attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
I will believe I'm beautiful when someone notices or compliments me. We chase success, achievements, accomplishments, and external goals of all kinds, or even accolades, believing that the next one will finally be the thing that makes us feel worthy. I will believe I'm smart enough, deserving, or capable of success only once I've achieved it. None of this is in our conscious mind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It is pretty much all unconscious. But it makes sense then. that these things become so very important and urgent because of what it means about us when we get it and sadly, what it means about us if we don't. But this makes us completely powerless to feel how we want to feel and believe what we so desperately want to believe about ourselves.
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It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
of unraveling my patterns and looking within and examining myself and also professionally working with tens of thousands of clients over the last 25 years as a psychotherapist and coach. And while that may sound like an exaggeration, I'm old and I've been doing this a long time working with men, women, couples, and groups.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
We are reliant upon other people waiting for situations or circumstances and all these other things that are beyond our control to happen so that it can provide that reassurance for us, that evidence for us. So I used to do these intense fitness classes and HIIT workouts, and I pushed myself so hard to go all out and run as fast as I could or do the whole thing and not take a rest.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Eventually, those workouts began to backfire and were no longer serving me but injuring me and my fitness level plateaued. And what I came to realize is that all this hardcore stuff that I was doing was to prove to myself that I'm able to, that I'm fit enough, that I can do these hard things, and that I'm a badass. I wasn't really competitive with anyone else, but with myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And what I also came to learn and to realize after really doing a lot of deep digging was that wanting to believe this about myself was a subconscious response to always being the last one picked in gym class in elementary school. Can you believe that? was actually a thing back then, I really hope that is not anymore. But it went way back for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
That little Hillary in gym class, I can still see myself, that little me, so vividly all those times that it happened and just feeling ashamed and embarrassed and small and not good enough and mad. I Once I understood that's where it was actually coming from, I dropped the need to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And since then, I've actually gotten an even better shape than ever just because I decided I am already enough just the way I am. Being kinder and gentler and loving towards myself as I am rather than proving it with punishing workouts. I don't need to do that to myself to prove that I'm enough. I don't need to do that anymore. And it just changed everything for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Which brings me to my next point, which is when you are coming from a place of a deep need for the thing that you want, it will always remain elusive. like frantically grabbing at a wet bar of soap. It just keeps popping out of your hands. And that's because if your very existence depends on you having that thing, because what does it mean about you without it?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
The energy behind the chase is desperation. It's like having an empty cup. When your cup is empty and you're starving and there's this hole in your soul, it's like an emptiness. And you think that the thing that you want is going to fill it up for you. And that deep seeking is partly why it just will never happen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Because it's just a low vibe energy that repels all the good things that you want to have in your life. and that you want to experience in your life. And even if you do end up getting the thing that you're chasing, maybe just from sheer force of will and pushing harder and harder, it won't actually provide you that which you subconsciously seek. your enoughness, and your worthiness.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Yeah, you may temporarily feel happy or fortified, but soon enough that will fade and you will need another thing to be proof for you. It's like a constant hunger that must be continuously fed when you seek your worth from external sources. It's like an addiction, just like anything else.
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It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
So I've been deep in the trenches and I have countless hours of conversations and sessions to know what I know. So I'm glad that you're here because in the next seven to 10 minutes, I'm going to give you the shortcut that I wish someone had handed me. And it's really going to spare you a lot of time, heartache, and even money. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
You will soon need another fix to provide the supply of evidence that you need to continue believing in yourself. When it comes from external sources, it's never enough. For me, I was never fit enough to be the proof that I needed. And if I was, it was only fleeting because I had to maintain it. And as I got older, as we all know, it just gets harder and harder.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
So it just wasn't sustainable for me anymore. All that I'm talking about is often what is behind the highest achieving among us. The drive to achieve can come from the need to prove our worth, our deservability, our value, and our significance.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Our clients who are part of the Ready for Love program and community are the highest performing women on earth, and most come to realize that they are so driven to achieve that so that they can prove to their parents, to themselves, to the world that they are good enough and they deserve to be seen and recognized. It's the old wound for them. See mom? See dad? See everyone? Look what I've done.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
See? Are you proud of me now? Do you approve of me now? Am I important enough now? Significant enough now? This is a blind spot for those women and all of us actually, because They can all point to the successes that they've had professionally and in their career and even in other areas of their lives and think that they are confident. They mistake that for true self-worth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
But yet their track record with men and their love life history does not reflect that of a woman who truly knows her worth and her value. They've settled for less than they deserve in a partner and in a relationship, often subjected themselves to being treated poorly. And that's because... True self-worth and value has nothing to do with achievement.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
In fact, if you strip away what I call the mantle of trophies and you get rid of all of that, there's nothing left but a little girl who so desperately wants to be seen and cared for and loved. And that's why it is truly powerful to do this work on ourselves because we
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
No amount of accolades or achievements or acceptance or validation or even love from another person or anything else outside of us will ever be enough to prove we are worthy. It simply cannot. Only you can do that for yourself. It must come from within. And the best part is that you've always had the power to do that for yourself all along and you just didn't know it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Which brings me to my last point. We need to flip that old proverb on its ear and to challenge this piece of common wisdom that seeing is believing because it's actually backwards. You must believe first and only then will you start seeing the evidence in your life and to create the experiences that are coming from a result of this rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And our beliefs are a choice, something else that no one really tells us, nor do we think about it. but it's true. So it's a decision that you get to make and you must make for yourself, deciding that you believe in yourself no matter what, believing that you are lovable and enough just as you are. You give that to yourself. The truth is you were born worthy and you still are. And
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Nothing has changed no matter what you've experienced in this life. Your worth and value are inherent. They are intrinsic inside of you. And it's up to you to know this about yourself, to choose to believe this first. You give yourself the acceptance, recognition, love, validation that you need. You give yourself the safety and the security and the certainty in your life that you need.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It has to come from within. It simply cannot come from anything outside of yourself. All the external things don't have the power to do that for you. Only you have the power to do that for you. And that is the best news that you will ever hear. You will still want things in your life, yes, but your energy is not desperate. It's not a deep need and hunger, but rather a desire.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We all do this.
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It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And that energy is joyful and light and abundant and healthy. And that's when you start getting the things that you want to enhance your life, not because you need them. And the things that you want will only come to you when you first already believe you are worthy of it. You have to believe that you are worthy first before you will ever get any of the things that you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
True healthy love will only happen for someone who already knows they are lovable as they are. Wealth and success come to someone who knows in their very being that they are capable of it and deserving of it before it actually happens. Your goals are no longer weighed down by the meaning that you attach to them so you can release the desperate need to achieve them and just focus on you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
who you are being rather than all that you are doing to try to make those things happen. It's not about hustling and grinding and working harder and chasing. It's about focusing on who you are when you're doing all the things that you need to do to build the life that you want. So to sum up my 50 years in a few sentences is this. People say time is money, but you can always make more money.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
You can never get time back. And even one day spent feeling bad about yourself, doubting yourself, questioning your worth or value not believing in yourself, not trusting yourself or loving yourself is one day too many, my friends. When you shift your focus, to just being your own best friend and ally and advocate and champion, and really focus on your relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It all starts with you. You give yourself the recognition and the validation and the safety and the love that you need. Everything will always work out in your favor. And I know that when we all can be at peace with ourselves, we are able to accept others as they are easier. and the world would be a much better place. And I know that we could sure use a lot more of that right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
We think, I'll believe it when I see it. How many times have you heard that in your life? And maybe even said those exact words. We think that we can really only believe something is true when there is visual, tangible evidence to support us believing it. It's like we need proof before we can accept it as true. It's kind of like, if this happens, then I'll believe, or when that happens,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
On this last episode of 2024, I plan to leave you feeling inspired and motivated and on fire for what's to come. Like you've been living every day of your life until now as if you've been training for an Ironman. And when January 1st hits, it's go time. It's game day and you're off to the races, living your best year ever. Can you already feel it? I do just by saying that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
The wide part at the top represents all the things that we desire, what we wish for, what we dream of, what we long for, what we're aiming for. all the externals, love, health, wealth, success, even if that thing is an internal state of being, like being more happy or more content, it is still an end result that we're seeking. So it's this open wide top is vast and it can be anything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
But then it goes narrow in the middle, which represents bringing it in close and going internal as the way to get it, bringing it in to you, your psychology. You are the power source. You are the generator. You and only you doing what you need to do within your own mind and in your being and in your deep self, your inner being and who you are. That is the way to begin getting whatever you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
And then it goes out again wide at the bottom. Because when you go through that process of pulling in the focus, you then begin to see your desires materialize. to become realized, to manifest. And the process of going internal grows you. It takes you to the next level. It expands your identity and grows your capacity in a way that allows you to not just get that initial thing that you desire,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
but anything that you desire. So it casts out wide again to represent the many things available to you when you do this work on yourself. What this means is that rather than chasing after your end result of that which you desire, you get clear what that is, but then you look within and and ask yourself growth-oriented questions. It's a process of self-inquiry.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
Things like, how am I holding myself back? What do I believe about myself? What do I need to believe instead if I'm going to fulfill my desire? Who do I need to become in order to live the life I want with this desire realized? Let me say that last one again. Who do I need to become to live the life that I want when this desire is realized?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
I want to put you in a state where you are bursting with with the feeling of infinite possibility. So if you're ready for a super feel good, the world is your oyster, anything is possible because you're unstoppable. You're invincible and totally worthy and deserving of everything and anything that you want conversation. Let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
only then will you begin to see your desires really start to take shape. So if losing weight or being stronger and maintaining your body is what you want, rather than following a diet plan and a workout regimen and trying and trying and trying, the calorie counting, the steps, the macros, the clocking in and out at the gym, going paleo or keto or fasting or weight training, instead of all of that,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
You go internal and focus on your inner world. Yes, you still take action, but that is actually secondary. If you don't believe you are capable of achieving it, you won't. And if you don't feel worthy of what it is that you desire, you will never receive it in this life. If you don't talk to yourself like a winner... you will lose.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
If you don't think like your future self, the version of you who is already fit and strong living life that way, and keep thinking like the person who has struggled with weight your whole life, you will stay exactly as you are. You have to grow on the inside first in order to see yourself grow and your life grow on the outside.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
It's the inner state of being that you must first experience before you can get the external thing that you want. So some of you might not like what I'm going to say right now, but it is the truth. So I'm going to say it, okay? The truth will set you free, right? We know that. We all deserve the truth, and I'm not going to lie to you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
And if you've been with me through many of these conversations, you already know that I call this the bitter pill experience. and the magic pill all at once. And that is that you are the only thing standing in your way of where you are now and where you want to be. You are the obstacle keeping you from getting what you desire. Yes, you. You are the problem, my friends.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
Yes, it's the bitter pill, but it's also the magic pill if you're willing to swallow it down because you need to look no further than the mirror for all the answers. You are the answer. You are the solution. Here's the thing. No one is coming to rescue you, to save you, to help you, to do it for you. You have to save yourself and you have to be your own hero.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
You cannot control external circumstances or conditions. You can't control other people and you can't change what has happened to you in the past, but you can grab the wheel and and take control of what's to come by choosing to focus on you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
No matter what has happened to you in this life, it is up to you to deal with it, to make peace with it, to make meaning of it, and to make it work for you rather than against you. That is a decision that you have to make. And I like to say this, your past doesn't define you, your parents don't define you, and your Define you. I was going to cuss, but I decided not to. You effing define you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
To be fully self-defining is the ultimate. impersonal power. All the power is already within you, whether you realize it or not, to think what you want to think, to feel how you want to feel, to believe what you want to believe. You have the power to be who you want to be, to live how you want to live, and you have the power to receive that which you desire.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
Okay, so you may have noticed that I'm saying desire instead of want. Desire is the best word ever. It suggests a stronger, more intense urge or craving. Rather than just simply wanting something, there's a greater emotional charge behind it. And it implies a determination to actively pursue the thing that you desire. It's an intention. It's a personal declaration.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
And when you desire something with strong emotion behind it, you are way more likely to receive it and make it happen. There is nothing in this life that keeps us from getting that which we truly desire. Okay, again, the only thing standing in the way of receiving that which you desire is you. And that is the best thing I can tell you. It is the most liberating and empowering thing I can say.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
It is all in your mind. Your mind is the source of your power. And when you change your mind, you change your life. I know you're wondering, how do I change my mind? How do I change my brain? I've been thinking this way since I was little. Yes, you have. It's true. And it isn't easy to do. It can be challenging. But our brains are meant to change. We are always learning and growing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
We are always capable of learning something new, even when we're older. And it's called neuroplasticity. There's a very specific method that I teach for changing our brains and resetting our default automatic thoughts. And that then helps us redefine our identity, the way we're talking to ourselves and all of that that I just talked about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
It's a combination of neuroscience and the law of attraction and the law of assumption, all the laws of the universe, using declarations and guided visualizations. It's the method I created without realizing I was creating a method many years ago. And it helped me go from making $150,000 a year as a therapist in private practice to
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
to running a global women's empowerment company doing multiple eight figures. And that is the process that is in the Daily Journal. The Daily Journal is a digital, downloadable 90-day journal, and we are going to get started using it together January 1st with this very simple seven-day accountability challenge. The challenge is free.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
but you do have to sign up for the Daily Journal program to participate. It's only $47. So I hope you'll join us and positioned to make your deepest desires a reality in 2025. That's all for this episode. Happy, happy new year. I will see you in January, hopefully in the Daily Journal Challenge. And if not, I'll see you on our next episode.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
I want to start off by sharing a visual representation of my self-centered approach to being your best self, living your best life, and getting anything you want, which is a philosophy and a method that I've developed and tested and perfected working with clients for 25 years and helping them achieve what can sometimes feel and seem like the impossible.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Make Your Deepest Desires Your Reality: I’ll Show You How!
So this visual representation is an hourglass shape. So imagine the hourglass in your mind. And you notice it's out, in, out. Wide at the top, then narrow in the middle, and then wide at the bottom. That is the visual representation. Outside in, inside out, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You've been told that you are too much your entire life, too opinionated, too ambitious, too direct, or too loud. But after working with thousands of women over the last 25 years, I can tell you without a doubt, being self-centered is the antidote to this lie. If you've ever felt like you've had to shrink yourself to be accepted, this episode is for you. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
second guess and doubt yourself, and then you're wondering if you should just hold back just a little. And maybe without realizing it, you did. Maybe you softened your voice to not be intimidating. Maybe you bit your tongue just to keep the peace. Maybe you made yourself a little smaller so other people could feel bigger. For years, you might've believed this lie that you're too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Let me invite you to think about how many times you have dimmed yourself just to keep the peace. Maybe you had a brilliant idea in a meeting, but instead of owning it, you phrased it as a suggestion so you wouldn't seem too pushy. Maybe you accomplished something incredible, but instead of celebrating it, you kept it to yourself, or you downplayed it so others wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
I've definitely done this, and it just sucks to hold back something that you've done that is amazing instead of just sharing it. Maybe you had a strong opinion, but instead of standing by it, you softened your words so you wouldn't be called difficult. And maybe you told yourself this was just being considerate, that it was just about being polite, but that's not what was happening.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
What's happening is conditioning. Because every time you minimize yourself to make someone else comfortable, you send a message, not just to them, but to yourself. You're telling yourself that their comfort matters more than my truth. And when you send that message to yourself enough times, you start to believe it. You start to believe the myth of being too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If I'm too much, I am not acceptable. I am not likable. I am not lovable. There's something wrong with me the way that I am. I am too much. And you start believing that it's your job to caretake other people's feelings and manage other people's reactions. That if someone feels threatened by your intelligence or your ambition or your confidence, it must mean that you're the problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Again, something's wrong with you. So you make yourself smaller. You make yourself more agreeable. and you make yourself less. But the truth is your intelligence and your confidence and your opinions, none of it is too much. It's only too much for the people who were never meant to sit at your table in the first place. And the moment you realize this, you stop apologizing for taking up space.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
That is when the real shift happens. The shift where you finally take control of your life and break free from these patterns that are holding you back. Now you might be wondering, Hillary, how do I make this shift? What is the real problem here? The real problem is simply that you believed this lie. You believed that you were too much. Rather than being fully self-centered, self
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
centered, standing firmly, deeply rooted in who you are. You've spent your life measuring your worth by what others think of you, seeking their approval and how well you fit into the box so that you can belong, rather than knowing your worth is inherent, that it's intrinsic, it's inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You've betrayed yourself to make others more comfortable rather than being true to yourself and showing up fully you. But remember, being too much is not real. It's conditioning and it's control. And the truth is, when you fully accept this and realize it, it changes everything. Being self-centered is not real. about being selfish. It's about putting yourself at the center of your own life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Finally, when you live as a fully self-centered human, you stop seeking approval and you start trusting yourself. You stop apologizing for taking up space and start expanding into it. You stop worrying about being too much and start being exactly who you are and who you've always been. And that means you are able to become who you're meant to be. And when you do this, your entire life shifts.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If you're ready to break free from this conditioning, here's how you can start being self-centered today. And remember, this isn't about being selfish or arrogant or self-absorbed. It's actually the opposite. It's about putting yourself at the center of your own life. First, stop measuring your worth by how well you fit in.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Instead, start measuring your effectiveness by how fully and authentically you express yourself. How honest are you in sharing your opinions and inviting others to do the same? Unapologetically take up space and hold onto yourself all the time. The more self-centered you are, the more grounded and powerful you become. Second, prioritize how you feel over how you are perceived.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Instead of asking, how will they react to this? Start asking, does this feel true for me? And does this feel right for me? Because the second you start living based on what you think, instead of what they expect, you take back your power. And that leads us to the final shift. Stop apologizing for being the woman you were always meant to be. You were never too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You were only too much for people who benefit from you being less. You are supposed to stand out. You are supposed to lead. You are supposed to become the woman who doesn't need permission to exist fully and boldly and unapologetically. This is the most self-centered thing that you can do. own yourself completely and take up the space without apology.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Since you were a little girl, you were conditioned to be nice, be agreeable, don't make people uncomfortable, go with the flow, don't make waves or cause trouble by grandparents, parents, educators, by religion, culture, and society.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Live fully and loudly and boldly because the only validation that matters is your own. Let me say that again. The only validation that matters is your own. And when you can live this way, That is when everything changes. And so now you see it. And once you see it, you simply cannot unsee it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
The world conditions girls and women to believe that their value lies in how much they can give and how much they can endure and how little they need in return. But when you live a self-centered life, you finally stop playing that game. You stop living for validation and start living for you. If you're ready to make the shift but don't know where to start, I've got something for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
I've created a free video training called This Changes Everything. It will help you step into your fully self-centered power immediately. So just tap the link in the description to get access to it if you want to check it out. And one more thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If you weren't trying to make everyone else comfortable, if you weren't trying to fit into a version of yourself that keeps you small and agreeable and acceptable and likable and lovable for everyone else, who would you actually be? It's time to find out. If you enjoyed this episode, please give it a thumbs up. And if you know someone who needs to hear this message, please share it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Thanks for being here. It means so much to me more than you'll ever know. And I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Because the moment that a woman stands in her power, she becomes a threat. Look at history. Women who spoke up were labeled uncontrollable. Women who fought for their rights were difficult. And women who refused to conform were dangerous. And that just isn't ladylike. And even today, the message hasn't changed. It's just been rebranded. So now they call you too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
They say you're too opinionated, too intense, too confident, too independent. But what they really mean is you don't fit inside the box that we built for you, the box that they need for you to be in so that they can be more comfortable. So they try to shrink you. They tell you to be less, less loud, less ambitious, less certain of yourself. They make you question your instincts.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
We often think of habits as actions that we take and things that we do, but there is such a thing as thought habits. We've been thinking the way that we think for so long, it is often a habit to think this way. And these thought habits actually impact us and our lives more than anything because thoughts drive all action.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Over the course of the last 10 years, since I set out to launch and then grow my online company, I have undergone a dramatic personal transformation. I really am not the same person that I was 10 years ago. in a good way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
I've let go of things that no longer serve me, whether it was something that I believed about myself or a behavior pattern I had, or even a few of the relationships that were in my life that just weren't good for me. I've reprogrammed and rewired my brain to think new things. And in so doing, I have become a more positive, empowered, liberated, and unstoppable me. I am happier, less bothered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
I'm more optimistic and I'm at peace with myself. I have a deep inner contentment with myself that I've never had before. And I've become a tremendous leader, something that I never really thought of myself ever.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And that's not just in my business with my team or my clients, as we typically think of leadership, but in all areas of my life, with my family, with my friends, in my community, and most importantly, with myself. I am fully self-led, trusting myself to lead me through my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
This feels so amazing and I want that for you, which is why I'm sharing three high vibe thought habits that I know are responsible for this growth that I have experienced. So let me say this first. Whenever we are cultivating a new habit in our lives, It starts with a decision or first hearing of something new, right? So we decide that we want to be healthier.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
So we really work on creating better health habits, like working out or meal planning to eat better. Or you learn of a new scientific breakthrough. so you want to start incorporating this new thing into your life. It starts with that kind of idea. You don't just do this action one time. You do it many times until it becomes something that you do automatically.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
So what I'm sharing with you today has the potential to easily make you a more positive, resilient, and successful person. It will open you up to a whole new world of possibility. In fact, I am certain that if you don't learn one single new thing this entire year, but even just one of the three new thought habits,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
It becomes integrated into your life in a seamless way. It becomes a new way of being or moving in the world. That is how we form habits. For me personally, I don't wake up in the morning and think about whether I'm going to work out or not. I It's not something I negotiate with myself. I just go every day. And in kind of simple terms, it's thinking about brushing your teeth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
You don't wake up in the morning and decide if you're going to brush your teeth. You just do. It's a habit. So when I first heard of each of these ideas, which all came at separate times... I was instantly intrigued and adopted them immediately. For me, it was a yes right away, almost like the fog cleared and I could see my path clearly for the first time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
But like other habits, it's not a one-time action or a single moment of thinking. It's many moments. Repetition is what creates mastery. That is how you incorporate new habits into your life, doing it again and again and and thinking it a new way over and over until it becomes your new way of thinking and being in the world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
So the first high vibe thought habit that I adopted is the rule of the golden nugget. Have you heard of it? It means that you operate in life believing this. No matter what, there is always something valuable to gain from every experience. Even if it's just one positive thing, that single nugget can be totally life-changing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
So for example, if you sign up for an experience, go to a party, go on a trip, or you invest in some kind of education or program, and all of it ended up being a disappointment, what or just not being what you hoped it would be, except that you did get one thing out of it that actually made a big positive impact on you and left a lasting impression.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
There was one takeaway that moved the needle even by one degree, then it was all worth it. The one golden nugget takeaway that you got from an otherwise flop is actually all you really needed. So therefore, the entire thing was worth it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
So if you go to a party and the food was gross and the venue wasn't inspiring and the music was kind of a bummer, but you met someone really cool and you had a great conversation. Even if you never speak to that person again, that genuine, authentic connection that you felt in those few moments talking to that person made the entire experience worthwhile.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
That conversation was your golden nugget of the entire party experience that was an overall flop in general. I'm 52 now, so my undergrad years were a very long time ago, but I was a cultural anthropology major. And four years of classes and all the expense and all of that that goes into getting a college degree, I really don't remember too much of what I learned.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
But I took one class that completely changed my life, even though at the time I didn't realize it. And guess what that class was called? It was called Loving Relationships. That my multi eight-figure company is called Ready for Love. and we are dedicated to helping women feel worthy and capable of creating healthy, loving relationships, really is nothing short of miraculous.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
That class is my golden nugget of my entire undergrad experience. And when women sign up for the Ready for Love program, it is an investment in themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
I'm about to share with you in this video, it will be enough to change your life forever in a major way, because when you change your mind, you change your life. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Even if we only teach them one thing that opens them up to the kind of love that they want, even if they only learn to stop people pleasing, or they quiet the tough inner critic of perfectionism that they have had their entire lives, or if she only just learns to trust herself when selecting a partner, or that she overcomes this fear of intimacy and being vulnerable so she can let someone in.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Even if it's just one thing, it is worth the investment times 100. So here is why this is so high vibe and so very profound. First, it shifts your focus from what you didn't get to what you did get. You complain less and are more easily satisfied, and this makes you a more positive and high vibe person. complaining is so low vibe and it just brings you down emotionally.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And second, it encourages you to take risks without the fear of failure. If you won't sign up for things or try new things or invest in new things because what if it doesn't work or what if there's no guarantee or what if anything, then you will miss out on so much in life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
But if you believe in the rule of the golden nugget and know that even if you only get one powerful thing out of this experience, it will be worth it, then you become less risk averse and you really become truly fearless. Okay, so the second thought habit is to celebrate every day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Essentially what this means is that instead of waiting for the big milestones to celebrate, you train yourself to find the wins in everyday small moments. It's really an amazing way to practice gratitude. When I was first building my company, I was part of a mastermind experience and I connected with lots of other women who were on the same path for their companies.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And I selected a couple of them, a couple of women, and every morning we messaged each other with what we were celebrating. Even when the struggle was real, there was always something to celebrate. The growth that I was undergoing that felt so hard and was truly testing me was something that I would celebrate.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
This kept me in a high vibe state, even when there were some real challenges to deal with or things weren't yet as I wanted them to be. I began doing this at dinnertime with my family too. That is truly how life-changing it is. To teach my kids to think this way from an early age can alter the trajectory of their life completely. So here is why this is high vibe and why it's important.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
First, it rewires your brain. Over time, doing this every day literally trains your brain to focus on what's going well, even during tough times. You see growth happening in small increments. Personal growth can be really hard to measure, but when you are intentionally working Looking for the small, incremental improvements you can notice and mark them as wins.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And second, you are able to sustain working on your goals longer because even if the big end goal and result that you're trying so hard to achieve has not yet been met, You don't lose hope or momentum because when you can mark the growth along the way and notice the small things that really may have gone unnoticed, you are winning each day along the way. And those small wins do mean a lot.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
You end up building resilience and it feeds you so that you are sustained rather than delaying your gratification and going hungry. If you're only celebrating the big wins when you've crossed that final finish line or you've achieved that big, large goal that you're working on, you're going to be in a state of deprivation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
If you can't acknowledge your growth along the way and mark the small incremental progress and changes, You will be starved. So celebrating every day, the small wins and the things that might have gone unnoticed along the way sustains you. It keeps you fed. You're not starving until you get to the end, right? Does that make sense? Okay.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
The third high vibe thought habit I've fully integrated into my life is this. Everything always works out in my favor. This mindset is about releasing control and completely believing and trusting that whatever happens will ultimately benefit me. The outcome or result of any situation, investment, relationship, opportunity, or risk that I take will always work out in my favor.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
I'm always better for it, even if it's not obvious at the time. So didn't get the promotion that you wanted? That's okay, because while you may be disappointed, you know that it's because something better is coming. If a relationship ends, it may cause sadness or heartbreak, sure.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
but you fully trust and believe that it's a gift in some way and it's clearing space for something better for you, something healthier and more aligned. When I fall short of a business goal or something doesn't quite work out the way I intended, I choose to believe it means I'm just not ready for that big win yet.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
that I have work to do on myself so that I can become a more advanced version of me, one who is capable of receiving that which I desire. This is more than everything happens for a reason, okay? That's just a simple platitude. It's a deep inner faith.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
that everything always works out for you in the end, and believing that what is just around the corner that you may not be able to see yet is all for your benefit. It's faith, basically. And people have faith and believe in many things. Why not choose to believe this? Something that provides the ultimate in certainty, empowerment, and reassurance.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
It is so good for your wellbeing to incorporate this thought habit into your life and allow it to guide you in your life. And so here's why this one matters so much. It completely frees you from fear and anxiety about outcomes which you can't control. And it provides a sense of comfort in the unknown. It helps you see setbacks or disappointments as opportunities for growth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And if you're really committed to yourself, sign up for my newest programs. I'm super excited to share them with you. They're called Self-Devoted, Self-Satisfied, and Self-Made. They are super simple and right to the point, covering everything from health and fitness to your relationships and to money. You can sign up for one or you can bundle them all at hillarysilver.com forward slash shop.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
It builds your resistance and you gain confidence in your ability to handle anything that life throws your way. This is totally game-changing because you become immune, impervious to setbacks. And instead, everything is an opportunity for you. Everything. So when you find yourself facing a disappointment or a setback, remind yourself this. This is happening for me, not to me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Look for the lesson, blessing, or opportunity in every situation and be grateful for the opportunity to grow. It can sound like this. Thank you universe for showing me this thing about myself that I didn't realize so I can take care of myself and learn something new. Thank you universe for this shitty thing because now I know something even better is coming my way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
Thank you ex-boyfriend for breaking up with me because I would have stayed way too long in this unfulfilling relationship. Thank you difficult child for testing me so I can grow my capacity for patience and and helping me grow as a human and to become my best self. So pick one of these high vibe thoughts and make it a new thought habit and just see how incredibly life-changing it really is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
3 High Vibe Habits That Upgraded My Life
And don't forget to check out the self-centered bundle, my programs to help you be your best self in 2025. The link is in the show notes or in the pinned comments at the top. Until then, thanks for being here and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Do you have trouble making decisions? Tend to overthink things or doubt yourself? Maybe you second-guess yourself in conversations, replay things that you said in your mind and hope you didn't say the wrong thing. Maybe you beat yourself up when you've made a mistake and have trouble forgiving yourself or letting things go.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
So this is where we have to begin to change all that stinkin' thinkin' that is holding you back and actually exhausting you. So the first step is to start really tuning in and hearing what it is that you're saying. Your constant stream of thoughts running through your mind all day long is so familiar you don't even hear it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
But it's always there, narrating your life, shaping your choices, and defining who you believe that you are. It's that voice in your head that tells you what to say, what not to say, what's possible for you, what's wrong with you, what you should be doing better. But here's the thing. You did not choose that voice. You learned it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Most of the thoughts that you think today, the way you speak to yourself and judge yourself and doubt yourself are echoes of what you heard growing up from parents and teachers and coaches and religion and culture, even the most well-meaning parents. can be critical, demanding, or even emotionally unavailable at times.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Or maybe you lean towards perfectionism and feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough and you just can't give yourself a damn break. If any of that sounds familiar, this episode is for you because that is just no way to live. So today I'm going to show you how to free yourself from all of that so you can stop being your own worst enemy and instead become your own best friend.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
And if you were constantly corrected or criticized or doubted or expected to perform, you learned early on that there is a certain way to be to earn love, acceptance, and approval. So you internalize those voices and now you're doing it to yourself. You learned to speak this way to yourself. That inner critic that says, why did you say that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
And you should be more like this, or you should be more like that, or you should do more, do better. All of that is not just critical. What you are saying to yourself is actually verbal abuse. And you've been doing this to yourself likely your whole life. Take that in for just a minute. Verbal and emotional abuse. And you're doing it to yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
If you were to say some of those things out loud to a friend or even to a stranger, you'd probably be horrified. You would never speak to someone else that way. But because it's happening silently inside your own head, it goes unchecked. So the first step is to start listening. Slow down and actually tune in and hear what it is that you are saying to yourself. Notice the tone. Notice the words.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Ask yourself, would I say this to someone that I love? Because if not, then it has no business being said to you. The way you talk to yourself is not how you speak to someone you actually love, is it? That is a very big first step because once you hear it, it's pretty motivating to wanna change it. So now we're gonna pattern interrupt.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
You're literally going to call yourself out on all your own BS. The moment that you start going down that same old path, the self-doubt, the self-criticism, instead of it letting take over like usual, you're going to stop and breathe and you're going to remind yourself, I don't talk to myself that way. That isn't actually true.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
That alone is really powerful, because every time that you do that, you're weakening the old neural pathway. You're saying, not this time, I choose differently now, and that leads me to step two. Decide what you want to believe and think instead. You decide what you want to believe and think about yourself. This is your adult self choosing what you want to believe about yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
This is a conscious choice, deciding how you wanna talk to yourself and what you wanna believe about yourself. We're turning off the autopilot and reprogramming. what it is that you want to be thinking and believing and saying to yourself on purpose. This is not just a flimsy affirmation that you don't really believe, but a declaration which has a different energy behind it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
It has intention behind it. It has power behind it. It's a statement that you must accept as true, such as, I can make mistakes and still be good enough. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. How about this one? It's okay to relax and do nothing. You're not trying to fake positivity. You're just practicing a new way relating to yourself, one thought at a time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
So here is what I want you to understand before we move on to step three. Your beliefs and thoughts are not fact. We often treat our beliefs as fact, but they aren't. They are nothing more than sentences and and statements that we have heard and then said to ourselves so many times that we believe it now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
And over time, that repetition forms the neural pathway in your brain, which means it's a default fallback pattern and habit. but our brains can change. This is our human superpower. Neuroplasticity means we can learn new things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
And we do this by making new connections in the brain, taking two previously unconnected neurons and connecting them together over and over and over until they fuse together. Maybe you've heard this phrase before, neurons that fire together wire together. That is what we're going to do now. So repeating what you choose to believe over and over and over again. Repeat it until you believe it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
So my process for creating new beliefs and new habits and forging new pathways in your brain means a new constant repetition. You must repeat your chosen belief and repeat them over, those statements, over and over and over again until it becomes forged. This is what it means to rewire your brain. I know you've heard that before.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
You have to let that new belief take root by practicing it every day. It's part of your new daily practice every morning and anytime that you catch yourself falling back to the old ways. When that old voice creeps in, And when you feel tempted to default to self-doubt or criticism, you remind yourself the new thought. And slowly, this becomes embedded as your new belief.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
The more you repeat it, the more natural it becomes. Until one day, it's not just something that you're trying to believe and making yourself think. It's just who you are. If you want the how-to, the structured method and accountability for making this happen, That is what the Daily Journal is. I created the Daily Journal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
It literally changed my brain and it's worked for thousands of my clients too. I will put the link to that program in the show notes and in the description below. If you're ready to actually rewire your brain and you want the exact structured method and accountability to change your thoughts, your patterns, and your life, go to hillarysilver.com forward slash journal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
The Daily Journal is where mindset meets method. You'll get my proven framework for brain rewiring, daily prompts to build new beliefs, and the consistency to finally stop spinning and start living fully self-centered. So if you're serious about changing how you think, feel, and show up in your life, this is where you start. HillarySilver.com forward slash journal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
So let me just give you a quick recap here. To change your brain and rewire those deeply embedded and stubborn habitual thought patterns, first you have to decide what you want to believe instead. Second, you accept it as true. And third, you repeat it until you do. Those are the three powerful steps for changing your brain and changing the way that you think.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
It really happens through conscious decision about what you want for yourself and then repetition. I hope you found this conversation helpful. If you want to learn more on this topic about my story and how I developed this method, You can listen to that episode or watch on YouTube, How I Changed My Brain in 90 Days. I'll make sure to put the link in the show notes and it's on the end screen here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
Thanks for being here and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Did you know that your conscious mind while powerful only accounts for about 5% of your thinking.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Rewire Your Brain; A Neuroscience Hack To Think Better Thoughts
So this includes all that happens in your prefrontal cortex, your executive functioning, things like logical thinking, decision making, problem solving, impulse control. You're actively thinking and choosing and managing something in real time. That means that the other 95% of your brain activity is Thank you so much for watching. without you even realizing it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
There are a lot of rules and so much conflicting information out there. For working out and fitness, it can be super confusing which theory or method is best. And that can cause us all to go in circles, get overwhelmed, switch from one philosophy to another, and just throw your hands up in the air and say, never mind. Analysis paralysis.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
And sometimes I actually create these podcasts in my head while I'm out there. I can't help it. It's just what happens to me. And my pace is really determined by the music that I'm listening to, so how inspired I am, or actually where my thoughts are taking me. And so that's it. I literally stopped doing cardio all the time. And some of the other workouts that I do give me some cardio benefit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I will sweat and I will sometimes lose my breath a little bit, but I'm not just grinding it out on the treadmill or the elliptical to get 30 minutes of cardio in. I don't believe in that at all. So the second rule that I break, I don't do a scheduled workout like arm day or leg day or push day or I don't write down my weights and my reps in a notebook or anything like that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
What I do is I just get myself to the gym every day and I do what I want. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to be doing until I just get there and I figure it out as I'm there. It's more like, what haven't I done in a while? Which movements do I feel like doing today? What part of my body needs attention? What movement will make me happy today?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
And that just means that each day is always different for me and it's more enjoyable and it keeps my body guessing. Number three, I don't do sit-ups. Yep, I have the abs that I do and I never do sit-ups. ever. Instead, I do core workouts and twisting movements. I feel like sit-ups actually push my muscles out rather than sculpting my midsection in a feminine way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
And so while I'm not a personal trainer or a fitness guru, I have been working out my entire life. In fact, it's a huge part of my life. And I feel like I look better today at 52 than I ever have, mostly because of what I've been doing for the last five years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I don't like the way the six-pack looks. I have one, But I don't really like that because to me, it doesn't look feminine. I want a strong core that supports my body and my back and that is also feminine and soft and sculpted all in the right ways. And I feel like doing hardcore ab workouts is the opposite of that. Number four. I don't lift super heavy weights regularly. I know, I know.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
All the gurus say as you get older, lift heavy, lift heavy, especially for women. And I just disagree. I don't want to be bulky and super ripped and muscular. That is not the body I want. I don't want to build my body. Now, I do want to be toned and fit and feminine and strong, but I prefer to sculpt my body to look how I want it to look.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
This means I only do heavy weights about one to two times a week for strength, but I'm not doing the same movement heavy weights every twice a week. So meaning I might do squats and work out my glutes with heavy weights. The second time during the week, if I do heavy weights, I'm doing my biceps heavy weights.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
The rest of the workouts throughout the week, I will mix it up and do light weights with lots of reps. I also do some kind of Tracy Anderson routine about five times a week that is very heavy on the core and on the booty. And for her, like when I do one of her routines, I'm not doing the whole thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
So if you've ever seen her workouts before, she starts off with arm workouts and it's kind of like dancing. And I don't like that. I feel like an idiot, but So I skip that and I just do the mat workout. And so sometimes I do the whole mat workout routine and then I'll mix it up with some finishers at the end or I'll mix it up with some weights at the end.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
Or if I've done a weight workout that day, I might do a 15-minute body boost and just do 15 minutes of booty on the floor with her. But I like to mix it up. Now, she's this guru. And if she had her way, I would do only Tracy every day. And I would do it like from beginning to end. And I, again, I break the rules because that doesn't work for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
And also whenever I post a workout video or a picture of myself on Instagram, I get a lot of comments and DMs asking that I please share what I'm doing. So today I'm gonna share the five fitness rules that I break to look super fit over 50 and stick around till the very end because I'm saving the one rule that I never break. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I'm taking the best of the best of all the different things that I like and putting them together and making it my own. With Tracy, her workouts work the smaller muscles rather than just the larger ones. And this really prevents bulking and it tightens in all the right places. I feel like instead of bulking, I've shrunk. actually, but I'm still strong, kind of like a dancer.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
Dancers have super strong muscles, especially in their legs, but they're not bulky. And her workouts have actually helped me with flexibility, which is really a big deal. As we get older, we want to stay flexible. It prevents injuries. I've been streaming Tracy Anderson since before COVID and I love it. I highly recommend checking it out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
But the rule here that I'm breaking is heavy weights only and all the time. Number five, you may not like this one, but I don't take rest days. I move my body every single day. A rest day for me is a day when I do a long walk or a run and nothing else. Or a I'll do something active that isn't part of my normal routine.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
So for example, a couple weeks ago, I went for a mountain biking ride with my husband. Now, he's an avid mountain bike rider, and I mostly gave that up a long time ago. My bike literally hangs in the garage from the rafters just in case I ever want it for something.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
And I hadn't been on my bike for over two years, but I wanted to spend time with him and go up to the mountains and enjoy the fall colors. So we did about 10 miles mountain biking, and that's pretty tough. But I'm fit enough to do that. So what I'm doing actually proves that it's working. And while I didn't actually enjoy the ride, I kept thinking to myself, I'm going to fall.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I'm going to break my face. What am I doing here? What is he thinking bringing me here? But the point is, I don't do rest days because there's always something I can do to move my body. I'm not lifting super heavy every single day, so my muscles don't need to rest. I'm really just rotating what it is that I'm doing and keeping my body on its toes, basically.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I shift my attention to a different kind of workout or a different muscle group or different movements each day. When I do skip moving entirely, it's very intentional. I'm listening to my body and my body is saying, I'm tired. And so not working out and not doing anything feels really good to me and I don't feel bad about it at all. Here's the most important thing that I'm going to say.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
What allows me to break these rules when it comes to fitness and beyond in all areas of my life? All the other rules that the gurus and the latest trends mandate for us about how to work out and how to live is my philosophy of life. which is to be self-centered. It gives me the freedom to break the rules, to not do what experts say, but what I say.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
I take in all the information and then I decide for myself what works for me. Being self-centered, how I teach it is not about being narcissistic or selfish. It's opposite, actually. It's a being centered in myself. It's, I know what's best for me. I trust myself. I ask myself. I listen to myself. I honor myself, prioritize myself, consider myself. I have all the answers for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
If I need the data or the information to help make decisions, I get it. All of my workouts that I do are coming from places where I've learned what to do, but I don't just do what I'm told. I make it my own and I trust myself to do that. Trusting myself to do what is best for me is about my relationship with me. Being fit like this is something that I want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
to be as strong as possible as I age, to be healthy, and yes, to look good too. Being self-centered in this way is how I get what I want with my body and the results that I have, but also everywhere in my life. And it's how you will also get what you want in your life. It all starts with you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
The best way to get started with making this shift to a more self-centered life is to grab my free mini video training called This Changes Everything. Go to hillarysilver.com forward slash subscribe. I'll put the link in the show notes and in the description down below. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Five Rules I Break for Fitness
So the first rule that I break is I don't do cardio. I don't do any cardio workouts just for cardio's sake. So the only cardio that I do is walking and running, and I only do it when I want to. I do it because I enjoy it. I do it because it's good for my mental health and my emotional wellbeing. It's good for my mind. And actually, I get really creative when I'm walking and running.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What if I told you that starting over, changing careers, walking away from something, successful or not, or being a beginner again in midlife doesn't have to be terrifying, and that you don't have to be in a bad place to want more? I've started over not once, but three times in the last eight years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And it's in there for all of us, but these experiences, these new experiences are triggering that for me again in a different way and in a new way. And sometimes I wonder why am I doing this and feeling like maybe I should have started this years ago and who am I to start this now? And all of that stuff kind of just goes in my head. But then I remind myself I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I am not here for acceptance, for recognition, or for any of those things, nor am I here to prove to anybody or myself anything, but to help and share because that's what my mission was to begin with, to share what I know because I'm blessed and I'm able to do that. And if one person hears me and it helps one person, then that is it. So be it. It's my mission accomplished.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So the final lesson is this. Starting over reveals our edges. Every time I have restarted, I've bumped up against my edges. What does that mean? Your edges are the outermost boundary of your capacity as a human. What you understand, what you know, what you are aware of, what you are capable of, what you can do, what is healed what you have worked on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I saw that my methods were getting amazing results for my clients And I just felt confined. I felt constricted. And I wanted to help more people and make a bigger impact. And just that little nugget of an initial desire eventually grew into a deep yearning for me, like a deep yearning. And the best way that I can describe it is to use the words of Anne Lamott, the writer, the way she put it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's the next thing that you need to work on in order to expand yourself, to be all you can be in this life. Your edges are the limits. So inside, Of the comfort zone bubble, you're confident and sure and certain. But the minute you step beyond them, what happens? That's where you meet resistance and fear and you feel uncomfortable and unsure and insecure.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So whenever you embark on a new adventure, and every time I have, whether it's restarting a career, starting a business, leaving a long-term relationship after so many years, getting into a relationship after being single for so long, having a baby, taking a risk of any kind. Embrace the experience as an exercise in finding your edges. What still needs your love and attention and healing?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What part of you is ready to grow next? What more can you learn about yourself? Push your limits outward to be fully expanded. This is how you become the very best version of yourself. Finding those edges, bumping up against them, being curious about them, examining them. That, my friends, is growth, personal growth. So those are the six powerful lessons.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
My favorite one was the last one about finding your edges. But the final takeaway is this. you have nothing to lose. If you're thinking about starting over, if you're feeling the pull, the hunger, the desire, ask yourself this, what do I actually have to lose? Because here's the truth. Even it doesn't work out the way that you want, you still win.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Every reinvention I've had, even the ones that didn't go anywhere, taught me something invaluable. They sharpened me, strengthened me. They made me into the person I am today. If it doesn't work, you are not failing. You didn't fail. You're not a failure. You're learning and expanding and growing. And that is never a waste of time. And it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So if this resonated with you, please drop a comment below. And if you're ready to stop hesitating and start taking action, hit that subscribe button because the secret to success is not in the doing. It's in who you are being while you're doing it. And if you bet on yourself, you win no matter what. See you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
She says, I don't write so that I can publish. I write so that I can breathe. And that is exactly how it felt to me. I thought about it day and night. I was obsessed. And that's really when I started my habit of waking up at 4 a.m. because I had to find the time to work on it because my kids were still little and I was still running my therapy practice. I jumped right in. I bought courses.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I created courses. I hired coaches. I started putting out content. I even got featured as an expert on the Steve Harvey show. All in all, I spent four years, four long years, and $100,000 in all of my trial and error, trying this and trying that. But I was doing both. I was running my practice while building what would eventually become Ready for Love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And it was honestly excruciating because I felt stuck in this transition. We often don't recognize how difficult transitions are. It's that limbo of still being where you were and where you have been and not yet quite where you want to be. And so it was really tough doing like that four years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And each time that I did, I walked away from something very successful and lucrative simply because I wanted something new. I just wanted to. So whether you're thinking about making a change or not, this episode is still for you because the six lessons that I've learned from all of these restarts are important life lessons that we all need to hear.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I will say it was worth it, of course, because I built what became one of the most successful women's love and relationship programs in the world. It's a multiple eight-figure company, and we have helped thousands of women completely transform. I wouldn't be where I am today if I were to change any of that, but I learned some seriously hard-earned lessons in that time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And that's what I'm going to share with you now. So the first big lesson from this reinvention is this. Be clear what you want and what you are creating. And while that might seem obvious, we often aren't very clear what our vision is. We just want something.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
We want to feel something or we want this big grandiose idea of something, but we're not really clear what it actually looks like in every way. There's a lot of variables and a lot of things that can be up in the air. So for me, for example, my entire education and background and expertise is psychology, not business.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And while I had built a very successful therapy practice, and that is a business model, I hadn't really thought about it that way. And I don't think I was very intentional about what I built. It just came easy to me. So had I been crystal clear about what exactly I was building and creating,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
what I was offering, how I was going to deliver it and get my word out and get the message out, it all would have happened so much quicker and it would have saved me a lot of time and money and heartache. And because of this lack of clarity, I doubted myself a lot and what I was trying to create
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So much so that when something wasn't working fast enough or what I was trying at the moment didn't work out right away, I just jumped to another thing. I would just create another course because teaching is easy for me. And I would try a new way to get it out there to people. and so that they could find me. So I became this jumper and I just chased my tail in a frenzy of activity to get there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
That's what I used to call it. I want to just get there. That was my clarity, get there. And so while I couldn't see it at the time, I had become my own biggest obstacle despite all my exhaustive efforts. But when I finally figured out my plan and it was crystal clear, within one single month, I closed my practice for good.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So for you, whether you're thinking about starting a business or leaving a relationship, being clear about this new thing that you are creating is important. And so that leads me to lesson two. After you are crystal clear and you have your plan, be all in. So maybe you've heard this phrase before, burn the boats, which is exactly what I did.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Once I knew exactly what I was building and I had the blueprint for it, I closed the therapy doors for good. There was no going back, no more straddling, no more safety net, no more, if it doesn't work, I'll go back. I was all in on my goal, on my vision, and on my dream. So here's the thing. People stay in relationships for years being half in and half out. That limbo is excruciating.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's kind of like, should I stay or should I go? One day it's good, so you're in. And the next day it's bad, so you're out. People think about moving or starting businesses for years, stuck in the learning phase, the information gathering phase, never going all in on it. And you just can't half-ass anything and expect full-ass results. You have to go all in. and not look back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And if you are considering taking a leap, by the time that we're done, you're going to understand the secret to making sure that your big, bold move is the right move and how to make sure that it pays off. And stick around till the very end because I'm saving my juiciest one for the last. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
My biggest lesson of all in this very first restart is this. Do not underestimate the power of your mindset. Of all the challenges that I faced in that time, I was the biggest one of all and I didn't even know it. I had all the coaches and all of the programs and all the people that I had hired to help me along the way. And they were all focused on tactics and strategies.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
But none of that was ever going to matter so long as I was standing in the way. I was my own biggest obstacle, deep down believing that I didn't have what it takes, doubting myself. And that success is like that kind of success is for everyone else, but not for me. Even though intellectually, I knew that what I had to share was amazing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I had all this evidence to prove it with my clients telling me how much they love their work with me and how much better their lives are. So I got it intellectually. But there was still this stubborn, deep down limiting belief that I couldn't do it, that I didn't have what it takes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I began to identify with the struggle, telling the struggle story over and over of how I'm stuck and why I'm stuck and how all the things that I had tried hadn't worked. So don't neglect to focus on your own growth in the restart process because your identity is everything and it is the critical key to whether whatever it is that you're about to start works out for you or not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Identity is who you are. It's who you think you are, what you believe about yourself and what's possible for you and how you talk to yourself. So keep this phrase in mind. Identity work is the bridge between where you've been and everything that you're meant to have. Okay. And I'm going to come back to this at the very end. So make sure you stay with me. So moving on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
At this point, it's five years later, 2022. I've done more with Ready for Love than I ever could have possibly imagined. I did it. Ready for Love is this massive success that I didn't even dare to dream about. Thousands of clients came countless success stories and a team of coaches and enrollment team, all the admin support I needed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And our revenue just doubled year after year into the many millions. And I have to say, it was life-changing in every way. And then I walked away from all of it. I literally shut it down and turned off the lights, literally hit the off switch. And let me tell you, no one understood it. My friends, my family, my team, even my clients were shocked and unhappy about it. But I was burnt out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
The burnout was sneaky because it hid beneath all the adrenaline and the complete joy and thrill of all of our client wins and the lifestyle and the freedom that came from the money and But I was exhausted and I felt trapped. And I wanted to continue doing new things, but I just felt like I couldn't. I had no capacity for anything else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I was just so embedded in the business that I didn't know how to make room for anything else. And so I know it seems crazy to walk away from my $12 million coaching company that I had built. It was my labor of love. It was four years in the making and then five years of just building it and building it. And it really was the highlight of my life thus far.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
But I stepped away for nearly a year to catch my breath and get perspective. and figure out what I wanted to do next because I just, again, craved more. I wanted something more. And in that time, I experimented a lot. I got involved with a couple of projects that never got off the ground, and I hosted an elite mastermind with women entrepreneurs that was amazing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And in that time, I learned a few more very important lessons that I'm going to share with you now. which is lesson four, I redefined my relationship with the word failure. Failure isn't real. Call me delusional, but I don't believe in failure. You only really ever fail if you never try at all. You fail before you even start if you never start.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So many people are afraid of failure and that prevents them from trying anything or starting anything or putting themselves out there in any way. So this reframe is powerful because when you think about it this way, you have to go for it or your biggest fear is already realized. You failed just by not trying.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It was Alfred Tennyson who said, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And I believe this is true for trying. And what I say is better to have tried and missed than never to have tried at all. And notice I didn't say tried and failed because it's just not a thing. A try and a miss is noble. It's commendable. It's identity expanding.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It is not embarrassing or something to be ashamed of. There is no tail between the legs, nothing like that. And never to try because a fear of a failure is just sad. Think about all the missed opportunity and potential. It will be something that you will always wonder about. And not just for you, by the way, but what you don't put out into the world is a missed opportunity for everyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What is out there for everyone else when you hold yourself back? It's like the phrase, the one that got away that we say about potential love. Don't let this big idea or opportunity or restart Be the one that gets away. The biggest regrets that we have are not the things that we have done, but rather the things that we haven't done.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So if you have a desire for something more and you never even try, you will always wonder what could have been. What could have been? And you won't regret having tried. You just won't. You will regret not trying. I guarantee it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
How many times have you or someone that you know had a great idea and you or they talked about it a lot only to not do something about it and then later finding out that someone else had the same great idea and took action and created something wonderful and successful from it? It could be you. Why not you? And this brings me to my last restart.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
In 2023, I turned the lights back on with Ready for Love. I just missed it so much for so many reasons. But this time I'm wiser and I have the perspective that I needed. In that time, I grew myself and I came back ready to work smarter, not harder. And this again is bringing us back to the concept of identity. How I see myself and think about myself has been expanded.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I am now the founder rather than a love coach. This new expanded version of me thinks differently and it guides my decisions. Because of this, I'm actually helping more women than ever before because I'm not down in the weeds running everything all by myself, but instead getting the right help. So within 12 months, we were already back making multiple seven figures.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
The first time that I started over was in 2017 when I walked away from my thriving therapy practice, one that I had built over 14 years. It had a two-month wait list, and it was mostly referral-based, and I had therapists working for me. And I loved what I was doing, so it was really just pretty successful by every measure. But as time went on, I began to crave more.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Again, which just reflects how many women we are helping. And I'm doing it without all the burnout. So here's how this translates to you, my lovely listeners. The big lesson here, number five, if you're not willing to bet on yourself, what can you bet on? in this life, if you are not a guarantee, what is? I learned I can do anything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I built a company to 12 million and then did it all over again from zero. And if I can do it, you can do it or whatever it is that you want. Just do it. You can do it. And it is about... putting all your faith in you. You are the one and only thing in this life that you have control over. And if you are not a guarantee, what is?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
That is probably the most powerful lesson that you're going to get out of this today. But this brings me to my last restart. Once Ready for Love was back up and running and done in the smart way, I did have the capacity for more. And that brings me to this podcast and this YouTube channel.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
All the work that I've been doing, first in my therapy practice and then exclusively for my single women clients, those people who can afford me, it is now my mission to share what I know with everyone because I truly believe it is what we all need to live our best life. So exactly one year ago today, when I was 51, I decided to start this show.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I have to be honest, it's been very humbling to say the least. I have all this experience and all these results for my clients and have had all this success kind of just while flying under the radar. I've been quietly doing this work for so many years. I've done it all without a large audience. I'm kind of an unknown. Nobody really knows who I am.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And that's fine with me, except here I am being a beginner at this part point in my career. Starting this show with zero subscribers, zero listeners, zero followers is just hard. I'm not going to lie. Showing up every week and sharing what I know and just hoping that I get seen, hoping that I get heard, and feeling like no one is listening sometimes. I'm talking to no one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's definitely humbling. And sometimes when I publish a video and it doesn't get hardly any views, my initial reaction is, oh, they don't like me. And I can feel that old, deep, automatic rumbling inside of me that I mentioned earlier. I don't have what it takes, or maybe I don't deserve this, or maybe I just, I'm not good enough.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Today, I'm answering your questions, actual questions that our listeners have submitted through the Hillary Silver website. And as always, I'm giving you straight up answers, actionable advice, and practical takeaways to elevate your life from mindset to personal empowerment to relationships. So let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It says a lot about our conditioning, doesn't it? If you go back and listen, you will not hear me say anything about male attention. In fact, I make the point that turning heads isn't about needing or seeking attention from anyone. That turning heads when you walk into a room is more about our own internal sense of self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
That rather than shrink or feel insignificant or small as we age, that we claim our power because aging is the opposite of fading away, if you believe that to be true. I personally feel more powerful, more confident, and sexier than I ever have because my relationship with me is the best it's ever been. I take better care of myself in all ways, mentally and physically.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So my inner world is a kinder, gentler, more forgiving place to be. I have less self-doubt. I don't second guess myself. And instead, I just have more certainty. And I make sure to prioritize my physical health, meaning it's not an afterthought or if I have time. It comes first for me. I always make time for the things that enhance my life. I don't skimp out on myself and take crumbs in my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Mom doesn't come last. That is something that women do. We do it to ourselves and that just has to stop. Not just when our kids are older or out of the house, but always. So how I feel about myself is an energy and a vibe.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So when I walk into a room, I do so knowing that I'm important, I'm valuable, I have a certain presence, and that anyone here is going to benefit just from me being there, whether they realize it or not. And then it's not about them. It's actually about me. It's a mindset that I carry with me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
We never fade away or become invisible so long as we know that we matter and deserve to be seen and heard, even more so as we age, not less so. I do have another episode about this coming up soon, going more in depth about our conditioning as girls. and how to defy all those expectations. So make sure that you subscribe so you don't miss that when it comes out. This next question comes from Becky.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
She says, I'm listening to your show and I love what I'm hearing, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and feel like there is so much to work on to up-level my life. I just don't know where to start. Can you please just tell me one first thing? Okay, so I know that each episode is full of try this or try that, a new mindset or a new habit or a new workout.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It can feel like a lot to do to improve our quality of life. I get it. But what we don't want is analysis paralysis overwhelm, procrastination, and just deer in the headlights, okay? I don't want anyone feeling bad because it feels like there is just too much to do. One more thing on your list.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
When I first started my therapy practice in 2002, and all these clients were coming to me with all the various problems they were encountering, I felt like, wow, I can relate to every client in some way. And then I was like, well, really, I must be pretty fucked up if I can relate to everyone. But here's the thing. It's all the same underlying issues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
There are just levels and layers of how the underlying things are showing up and manifesting. lots of different ways in our lives that the same core issues are impacting us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
If we peel back all the layers and go beyond the surface level things, the situations in our lives, such as needing to lose weight or struggling with procrastination or people pleasing, and then because of that, you feel adrift in life, whatever those things are. And if there's more than one area or one specific thing that you feel is not optimal,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
in your life, just take a deep breath and relax because it's all the same thing, okay? It may feel like there's a lot to do, but there's really not. So I'm going to explain what I mean, and then I'm going to list a few resources for you. And what I want you to know is that being self-centered is the answer to all of life's challenges. And you asked for one thing to get started, and that is it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
The first baby step is just to understand that your relationship with you is all that matters. And your relationship with you is all about whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours all day, every day. What you believe and think and feel about yourself, how you talk to yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So rather than get overwhelmed by all the external things that you think that you need to do to work on yourself, Just lean back and let go of all of that and just focus on you. Focus on learning how to think new things, okay? You can elevate your emotional state and your energy and all of that just by changing the way you think. You are what you think.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
All day, every day, we have about 70,000 thoughts in a day. And most of those thoughts are the things that we've been thinking our entire lives. on automatic, by default, unconscious. So we have these thought habits that are the way that we've been thinking mostly our entire lives. We are stuck in this loop.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And that all happened before we had the ability to consciously choose what we want to think and how we want to be talking to ourselves. And this is it. If you want to level up, whether it's a specific area in your life or just overall, look no further than the mirror, my friends, and know it is fully within your power to do so
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
simply by deciding that you're going to learn how to manage your mind and upgrade your thought patterns and your thought habits. So now I'm gonna just point you to a few resources and I will put all the links to them in the show notes. I have a lot of previous episodes on topics related to changing the way you think and your relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Okay, so I love this first question. Thank you, Kelly, for this. If you've been listening to this podcast or watching on YouTube, you may remember the episode that I did called How I Turn Heads Over 50. And oh my gosh, did it get you guys talking, like seriously. It sparked so much interesting conversation. I was really glued to the comments for so many days.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
All of those will be linked in the show notes. The best tool for this is the Daily Journal. It's a step-by-step, little-by-little, each-day guide that you are beginning to reprogram your brain. You teach yourself to think new things. You rewire your brain. So it's a combination of neuroscience, behavioral psychology, and using the power of guided visualization.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's only $47 because I really just want it to be accessible to everyone, and I cannot recommend it more. Okay, so we have time for one more question, and this is from Sarah. She says, but something is missing. I think I just feel lonely. Why do I feel so lonely, even though it seems like I should have everything that I want? Okay, everybody, maybe you can relate to that question.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Thank you, Sarah, for asking this because somehow loneliness is something that we have a This is all too common, and right now, more than ever. In fact, my Ready for Love team and I hear it all day, every single day, from high-performing women who actually seem to have it all. Most of us mistake busy with fulfilled, success with happiness, and lots of people in our lives with connection.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
But you can be in a room full of friends and still feel deeply lonely. And going to bed at night with a partner who doesn't really know the real you is the loneliest bed there is. If you are someone who has created a great life and achieved a lot and you've checked all the boxes and it all looks good on paper, but feel like something is still not quite right,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
what may be missing is deep, authentic, true, genuine connection. Without connection at the soul level, there will be a void, a vacancy, and it can be a deep and profound emptiness. That kind of soul connection requires a degree of transparency that most people just aren't willing to be in their relationships and in life, or they just don't know how to do it. So when we show up opaque
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
which is being guarded or in a self-protection mode with walls or filters. Our true selves can't be seen or witnessed. And so we, who we really are, remains invisible. I did an episode early on about loneliness, and I talked about the differences between situational loneliness and existential loneliness. Again, I'll put the link in the show notes, but I'm going to explain it a bit now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Situational loneliness is when you don't have friends or people to spend time with or to do things with. Maybe it's a season of your life. Maybe friends have moved or you moved. Maybe you've just not made it a priority because you were really focused on your career and your family and something had to give.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Whatever the reason, it sucks for sure not feeling like you have people to go do stuff with, to have a glass of wine with, or go to dinner with, okay? I get it. That's really... It's hard. But existential loneliness is when we don't feel like in our relationships that we do have, we are truly seen and known and understood. It's a sense that no one actually really knows the real you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And it's sneaky. because you can fill your life with social and civic activities and friends and family and be busy all the time. So it may not register that you are in fact lonely at the soul level. But here's the good news. While it may seem that existential loneliness is a heavier lift and harder to fix because it just feels so big, it's actually easier to fix and to fix fast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And most of the comments were all about how you were feeling about your appearance and yourself and aging. If you haven't already watched or listened, I highly recommend that you do. So I will put the link to that show in the show notes. I picked this question because so many of you had a similar reaction to the show or some version of it. So here's the question from Kelly.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
if you are willing to do what is required to fix it, okay? That's the big if. Because going out there to make new friends takes a lot of effort. You got to get out there and meet people, and they got to also want to be making friends too. So there's a lot that goes into meeting people and developing a new friendship. But being willing to be seen is a decision.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's a simple decision that you can make right now to start showing up more of who you really are. No hiding, no pretending, no lying or pleasing or biting your tongue, no more keeping people at a distance emotionally. All that stuff that we do to block intimacy and being our true selves, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's a fear of rejection underneath it all that has us lying and hiding about who we really are in our relationships, okay? Once you start sharing your full, real self, people will finally be able to see you and the connections that you already have in your life will deepen and you won't feel lonely when you allow yourself to be seen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
You can just start showing up this new way with all the people who are already in your life and begin nurturing those existing relationships to deepen. That's why it's easier to fix because it is about you just deciding to show up in this new way. You can start seeing and feeling a difference very quickly.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And then anyone new that you encounter and meet along the way who you wish to connect with in a deeper way can more easily become that kind of connection for you. But here's the thing. Not everyone is willing or capable of this kind of authenticity and transparency. But when you are able to show up open and fearless, you will attract others who are similar and who are of a kind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And you'll start creating more authentic connections in your life and you will not feel nearly as lonely as you have been. Thanks to all of you for submitting your questions. Please keep them coming. It is so helpful for me and to all of our listeners. So I really appreciate you. I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
She says, I listened to your episode about turning heads at 50, and I don't understand why you feel like you need or want to have attention, especially from men. I don't get it. And so here's what I have to say about that. I think it is really interesting that so many women automatically assumed insinuated male attention here. that turning heads as a woman is about men.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Who do you think you are? No, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. It's actually a very important question to ask because the truth is you are who you think you are. And who you think you are is everything. It affects your mood, your outlook, your actions, and everything that you do all day, every day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And they are often the thoughts that we've always thought, especially about ourselves. This is true for all the things that we think, but it's especially true for how we think about ourselves. And the thoughts that we think influence everything that we do and experience and create in our outer world. In brief, this is how it works.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings drive your actions, and your actions create your results. So your inner world is responsible for creating your outer world, period. Take that in for just a minute. Something this vital to our mental and our emotional health, our wellbeing, and our relationships, and our success in life, and we aren't taught about it. It's kind of crazy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Learning how to take charge of our thinking is is actually the most important skill that we can learn in this life. Because if we don't take charge of our thinking, it is in charge of us, often leaving us thinking things that are not only not good for us, but that often aren't even true sometimes and end up limiting us in every way and holding us back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
So let's get into how this all works and stay with me here because all of these key factors build on each other and I want you to have all the pieces. And I'm sharing something super freaking cool with you at the very end. It's going to give you a visceral reaction in your body just by hearing it. So the first thing I want to tell you about is about narrative identity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
You think about yourself a certain way and you see yourself a certain way. So you keep telling yourself the same certain things about who you are and who you've always been over and over. You are basically reminding yourself and reinforcing yourself to yourself. who you are based on who you've always been and who you know yourself to be. You know what's true about you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
It is also the biggest determining factor of what you will do with your life, what you achieve, what you accomplish, and the experiences that you have. Let me say it another way. The biggest limiting factor for you in life is your psychology.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
So these are daily statements about what has happened to you and what you've experienced and where you've come from and how you are and who you are and your way of being. This is your narrative, the stories that you tell yourself about you, basically your inner commentary and your own narration, you are narrating your story to yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
The longer you tell yourself these things and these statements about yourself and the stories that you tell, the more they become your identity, which is how you think about yourself and perceive yourself and what you conceive of yourself, your self-image. So it's your narrative narrative. identity. Make sense?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
So here's a very oversimplified example, but maybe you made a poor financial decision or you made some kind of decision that didn't work out well for you with money. Maybe you got yourself into debt or maybe you make great money, but you always end up spending beyond your means and you can't hold on to it. So you end up with nothing to show for it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And the story is all about the bad choices or the problems that you have. and you're ruminating about it and reliving it and telling yourself about it all the time, and it can lead you to say things like, well, I'm terrible with money, or I have money problems. And now you identify as somebody who is bad with money.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Then because you believe this and you think this about yourself and you say this to yourself, then you continue to act in ways that reinforce it. avoiding financial planning or overspending or putting your head in the sand and not dealing with it at all. And this creates a self-fulfilling loop, locking you into the cycle of struggle with money.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And it's quite possible that this goes back as far as what was modeled for you when you were growing up. Maybe you learned these ways of being and thinking and talking to yourself from childhood, okay? Same could be true for weight loss, people who have a lifetime struggle with weight. Identify as a person who has weight trouble, okay? Their whole lives.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
That is how deeply defining these stories can be. They are embedded into your subconscious, which is one of the reasons it's very hard to recognize this is even happening today. And then how to change it, of course. So now we're going to talk about the predictability loop.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
What we've been thinking and telling ourselves and then doing all these years, we've been doing for so very long that it's become predictable. We become predictable to ourselves and we become predictable to all the people in our lives. And predictability has a certain comfort to it, right? We all need some sense of control and reliability and certainty, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
In this realm of predictability, we have safety because everything makes sense. It's like math, two plus two equals four. It's black and white, nothing fuzzy or confusing here. You can't refute it. It's simplicity and it's easy. There's also no risk in predictable, which is partly the reason why this persists.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
So in today's conversation, I'm going to help make sure that you are not holding yourself back so that you can get anything that you want, even if it seems impossible. And that will help you make 2025 your best year yet. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
We wake up every day knowing who we are, what we're going to think about, how we're going to feel, and what we're going to do. All of that that is consistent with who we think we are. And people who have a greater need for certainty and predictability like it here. And they can get stuck here in this place, never really changing, never really growing, and always being the same they've always been.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And predictability is the enemy of growth and progress because predictability isn't expansive or innovative or evolving. There's no risk involved in predictability. And And ultimately, anything that isn't growing is slowly dying. Humans need variety and growth to thrive. Without it, we fail to thrive. Next, what Noah never tells us is that our thoughts are a choice.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
We have not learned that our thoughts are not who we are. that they are something we can actually choose. They are optional and we have the ability to decide what we want to think and how we want to think. And that changing our thoughts and the stories that we tell ourselves and then therefore our identity is actually how to create real lasting change, changing the inner world
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
is how we then change the outer world. So if the narrative is, I'm great with money, money comes easily to me, I'm great at making money and growing money, I'm smart with my money, then the feelings change. It's like the shame dissolves and it's replaced with optimism and hope and freedom and opportunity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And then the actions change in a more effortless way, like it's easier to make sound financial decisions because you trust yourself. and then your outer world begins to change. In order to consciously choose our thoughts, we first have to learn how to tune in and hear our thoughts and notice them. This is what I call becoming a master observer of self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
There is so much power and peace in being able to be with yourself, to witness, observe, and watch yourself being you as if you're watching yourself through the window. I've been doing this with myself my whole life from the time that I was 19, really, even though I didn't realize I was doing it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
But this is being conscious of your own consciousness, being aware of your thoughts and your feelings and your inclinations. This is called metaconsciousness, being conscious of what you are conscious of. And metacognition is thinking about the thoughts that you are thinking. How cool is that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
So taking the time to notice how you have created your outer world experiences, because what you are aware of that is going on in your inner world is powerful. It is some seriously high level self-awareness. And we all have the ability to learn to do this. It starts by noticing and paying attention to what you are saying to yourself, to really start tuning in instead of turning away.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Now, here is where we begin reaching our infinite potential because this is where we're talking about expanding our identity. This is when we begin the process to redefine our identity, deciding on purpose who you want to be, how you want to be, the kind of person you want to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
and deciding on purpose what you want to think and what you want to believe and how you want to feel, and then being more intentional about your choices and the deliberate actions that you're taking in the world to define for yourself your identity. who you want to be by choice rather than by default.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And this is when it gets really exciting because you can break free from all the predictability and venture out into the world of not just what is possible, but even beyond that to the vast infinite potential, dreaming and doing bigger than you ever imagined. And it begins with expanding your identity and changing your inner world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Okay, let's talk about thinking.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
changing the way you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself. And when we make ourselves bigger and expand what we believe is possible for us on the inside, and we're thinking bigger things about ourselves and thinking new things about ourselves and talking to ourselves differently, Now we are capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And now we're not just limited and confined to what it's always been and to what's predictable, but we begin to think different thoughts, which bring a different way of relating to ourselves and thinking about ourselves and what we're capable of. And now we are expanded. This is how we expand our identity. So deciding for ourselves who we want to be every single day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And then that's really where it all begins, to go beyond what is predictable and to achieve your greatest potential. We go first to create the outer world results that we desire, whether it's money, relationships, love. the kind of body we want, happiness, all of that, anything that even might seem impossible begins inside of ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
We have that much power and control to change the inner world. And I know you're thinking, well, Hillary, how do I just change the thoughts that I've been thinking my whole life? Well, it's definitely not an easy thing to do, but nobody teaches us this. So that's what I'm going to tell you about in just a minute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
But first, I want to play this clip for you because I want you to feel what it feels like to do this work. This is Amanda, a client of mine, and she did my journal the very first day and left this audio message in our group with my other clients. So we're going to listen, and then we're going to come back in a second.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Oh my God. I can just listen to that over and over again. Her energy is infectious. I feel it in my body. I too start feeling like I'm bursting with infinite potential just listening to her. And I have heard that so many times. It never stops having that effect on me. And now I know you're thinking, well, what is that? And where can I get some of that? I want some, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
I get that it seems weird to talk about learning how to think, but it is very important that we learn to do so because not only do we not stop to consider what we say to ourselves about ourselves all day and every day, we're not taught this. We don't ever learn how thinking works. We don't learn how to think the thoughts that we want to think that we think and accept them as true.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Do you remember that scene in When Harry Met Sally in the diner, the orgasm scene? The lady was like, I'll have what she's having. Okay. So this is available to you. That is what it feels like to reach out beyond the realm of predictability and tap into what is the infinite potential for you. It's not out there. It is inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
This is what it feels like to change the thoughts that you've been thinking about yourself your entire life and to begin to see what is actually possible for you. Even if you're doing great and you have a wonderful life, there's always that much more available to you. I've been doing this with my clients for 25 years and in the last seven in a very targeted way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
And it's absolutely nothing short of a miracle to be able to do this. It's literally an exercise in brain training. to train yourself to think new things. It's like going to the gym. You can build biceps and you'll lift and you'll lift and you'll lift and then you'll look and you'll feel and you'll see the difference. You can build the same new muscle in your brain.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
The workout for the mind are the steps that are in my daily journal. It's brain training, combining the powers of neuroscience and how our brain and our psychology actually works together. with guided visualization practices and the laws of the universe to help you really manifest anything that you want. And I'm excited to tell you about something that I'm offering right now. It's super fun.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
We can all do this together. Starting January 1st, I'm kicking off 2025 with a seven-day daily journal challenge. Now, the journal is a 90-day journal, But we're kicking this all off together with a seven-day challenge to help you get started. It's basically an accountability challenge.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
In just seven days, you will feel the shift in how you think about yourself and what is possible for you, setting the tone for 2025. Amanda felt that in just one day. We're going to do it for seven days together. So to join us, you just need to sign up for the journal at hillarysilver.com forward slash journal. The link is in the show notes and in the description.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
It's also going to be in my newsletter if you're on my list. And if you already have the journal and you want to participate, just hit reply to any of our emails and we'll get you all signed up. Whether you sign up for this or not, just know that you have the power to change the way you think.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
You Are Who You Think You Are
Yes, that is how powerful you are, the way you talk to yourself and that you can learn new things and you can learn to think new things about yourself. And friends, that is the only way to achieve your fullest potential. It all starts with you in this life. We have one more episode before the end of 2025. I'm super excited for that show and I will see you then.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
I work with women who don't know how to put themselves first. I've been doing this professionally for over two decades, and I've met thousands of women who have given everything to their families, their relationships, their careers, only to end up feeling exhausted and invisible.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And that if you want or need something, it's up to you to take care of it. This messaging and these early experiences embed low self-worth and a belief that we aren't deserving of receiving and that our worth comes from all that we can do to help and care for others. Let that sink in for a minute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
So for decades, you've been following a rule book designed to keep you on the back burner in your own life, that you come last in your own life, and that this selflessness is noble and virtuous. I know after years of giving and sacrificing and making sure that everyone else is okay, the idea of putting yourself first feels wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You feel guilty or selfish for even considering your own needs or wants. But let me ask you something. If self-sacrifice led to love, appreciation, admiration, connection, and respect, then why do so many women who give endlessly feel so utterly unseen? unloved, unimportant, taken for granted, and even taken advantage of. Here's the truth. Love is not supposed to be transactional.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And the difference between the women who stay trapped in that cycle and the women who finally break free is one thing, and it's what I'm going to show you in today's episode. And once you understand this, you'll finally be able to put yourself first without guilt. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You were never meant to earn love by disappearing in your relationships. You were never supposed to sacrifice yourself to be valued. And prioritizing yourself does not make you selfish. So let me tell you something that maybe no one else is willing to say. The truth. That is a very bitter pill to swallow.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
While this was all part of your conditioning, it is now you that is continuing to do this to yourself. Yes, you. Every time you say yes when you want to say no. Every time you show up, even when you're exhausted, every time you put yourself last, you are teaching the people around you exactly what to expect from you. And no one is going to stop you and ask if you're okay.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
No one says, you've done enough, sit down, let me take care of you for once. Why would they do that? You make this look so easy. You are an expert at it. You've been doing it your whole life. You make it look effortless until one day you wake up and you literally have nothing left to give. You're tired in a way that sleep cannot fix.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Resentment creeps up, but you push it back down because you're not supposed to feel this way. This is where so many women get stuck. But the reality is this. People will never stop expecting more from you until you decide to stop giving more than you have to give. And here's the hardest truth of all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
If people don't respect your time, your energy, and your boundaries, it's because you've taught them they don't have to. Let me say that again. If they're not respecting you just for who you are and they don't respect your boundaries or your time or your effort or your energy, it's because you have taught them that they don't have to. Think about it. You never asked for anything in return.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You never made yourself the priority. You've never set the expectation that you are also to be receiving. They are following the example that you have set. Your relationship with you, how you treat yourself is the model. And most people are not out there intentionally and deliberately taking advantage of you. They're just following the rules that you set. They're following your example.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
But here's the good news. You don't have to keep playing that role. If you want to finally put yourself first without guilt, then I invite you to make a shift. It's time to become self-centered, which has nothing to do with being selfish, but has everything to do with putting yourself at the center of your own life. It means being centered in yourself enough to know what you even need or want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
It means considering yourself and prioritizing yourself first so you actually have something left to give later on rather than running on fumes. The sooner that you shift into this way of being, the sooner you stop feeling drained, exhausted, resentful, and unseen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Self-centered is the model I've developed to help thousands of women finally put themselves first, and I'll show you how to do it in my free video training called This Changes Everything. Just tap the link in the show notes in the description to get access if you want to check it out. If you're ready.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
To break the cycle of self-sacrifice and step into your power, here are three actions that you can take right now to get started. Step number one, decide that you are worth it now. Not when you lose weight, not when your kids are grown, and not when you've earned a break. Right now. Because if you don't believe that you're worth prioritizing, no one else will either.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Step number two, say no without an explanation. No, I can't make it. No, I'm not available. No, that doesn't work for me. Don't say, sorry, I have a lot going on, or I wish I could, but I can't. No is a full sentence, and the moment that you stop justifying your choices, explaining yourself, or apologizing for nothing, you reclaim your power.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Step number three, make yourself a daily priority without guilt. You don't come last in your life. You are not an afterthought or something that you squeeze in if there's time. You matter. And I would argue you matter more than anyone else in your own life. I know what you're thinking. That sounds great. But what if people get upset, Hillary? Well, some of them will. But so what?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Because you're going to feel so fucking free and liberated and you will thank yourself every single day. This is a soul call. So many women wake up in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s and realize they have spent their whole lives making everyone else happy except themselves. So ask yourself this. If you don't start putting yourself first now, when will you? Because no one is coming to save you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
No one is going to tap you on the shoulder and say, it's your turn now. Have a rest. Take a time out. I've got this. You have to decide this for yourself. You have to choose you. And the second that you do, you step into something bigger. where you finally, finally start living for you the life you want to live on your terms, doing what you want. This is the only authentic way to live.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And if that feels a little bit scary, good, because that means you're not just gonna change your life, you're about to change everything. Thanks for being here. I really appreciate it more than you know. If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with someone who needs to hear it, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
So let's start with something that likely no one has ever told you before. From the moment that you were born, you were given a role to play. Be helpful. Be agreeable. Be easy to love. Take care of everyone else first. And when you did, you were praised. You were a good girl when you shared. You were so nice when you let others go first. You were so thoughtful when you sacrificed for someone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And so you learned... Making others happy equals being a good person. Making yourself a priority equals being selfish. You learned that everyone else comes before you, that other people's needs are more important than your own, that everyone else matters and you don't. It's all about everyone else. It's not about you. You learned that your role is to take care of others, help others, and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So you've got big dreams, ambitious goals, or you want to change yourself, your life, or your business in some way. Amazing. You start off strong and follow the plan for a couple of weeks, but then life kicks in, real life kicks in, and you fall off the plan, or you forget that you're even trying to do things differently now, and you fall back into status quo, what it's always been.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So I have seven tools that that can help you stay on track even when things don't go perfectly. And even if you only just implement one of these, it's going to help you dramatically. So first, make sure that your big goal is actually very clear to you. And to do that, you can use your senses. What does it look like? feel like, taste like, smell like?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
What does it actually look like to live your life when the goal is achieved? What are you doing differently? How are you living your life? And what are the choices that you're making in this future state? If you can't visualize it, you can't create it. period. So don't be vague. You have to be very specific.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
This is why people use vision boards to have images to go with that outcome that they want. I personally don't like using vision boards, but it works well for a lot of people. Just in case you're wondering why I don't like vision boards, I just don't have time to cut out all the pictures and do all that craftsy stuff. I can use my imagination and my visualization practice to see it and feel it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
And it's more real to me that way, actually. The Daily Journal is an amazing product for that. I'll also put the link to that in the show notes. The second thing I want to make sure that you understand is that there is a difference between goals and objectives. So you have your big goal and vision for yourself, and it's very clear for you now because you've done step one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Objectives are the small baby steps, the actions that you will take each day that slowly add up to the big outcome. So break this all down to small, measurable, tangible actions or tasks that you can do each day. efficient actions that make it clear and easy what you need to do in the moment.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
It makes it feel like you just need to step over a small bump rather than climbing a big hill all the time. So what are all the little things that you need to do that will help you move the needle towards your goal little by little? Write a list of all the things that will help you get there. And those are the things that you need to be focusing on every day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
How many times have you had the same resolution, or how long have you actually been working on the same goal? This is because the process of achieving our big goals and desired outcomes, the how we go about getting there, is mostly what derails us, making it harder than it needs to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
You can include the big needle movers too because some actions will have a bigger impact than others. All of this will help you actually make progress rather than just squirreling around and going nowhere because you don't know what you need to be doing to get closer to your goal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So for example, if you're starting or growing a business, you know exactly what you need to do one little bit at a time. And spending your valuable time on anything other than the things that create revenue is not the best way to spend your time. Only do the things that only you can do. Spending your time on all the other things is just sabotage.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
It's procrastination, distraction, or just not being focused. You have to set yourself up for success here and not sabotage yourself. But here's a caveat. You have to be honest with yourself here. Are you really going to do these things? If not, then do not put them on your list because you just won't do it, and then you're gonna feel bad that you didn't.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Or put them on the list, but delegate them to someone else. So some things that I just know I will not do, it's just not who I am. And I know myself really well and I just will not ever, ever do it. So it does not go on my list. For example, posting on Instagram every day, even though I want to grow on that platform, it would be nice. I just cannot and will not post there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
It's okay if you won't do certain things, but what else can you do that will be effective in moving the needle for you? Ask yourself, what is it about this one thing that you're resisting? If you can see why you won't do it, then you can figure out an adjustment, an alternative action.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So my reason for not posting on Instagram every day is that I really just wanna live my life without thinking about always taking videos and photos of what I'm doing While I'm doing it, I want to be present in my life and have a very healthy balance between living my life for me and for my family and what I choose to share with the public.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
I don't want to be walking around in my life with my camera up high and smiling and taking selfies everywhere I go. That is just not who I am and what I want. So if it means I don't get to have a larger audience on Instagram, then so be it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
And when we want the thing really badly, but we don't want to do those little bits and pieces objectives along the way, you ask yourself, what is the other way to get this? For me, the alternative is to hire a team, which I have always done on and off over the years to help me. So can you hire a meal prep service to help you eat healthier?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Hire a house manager or a cleaning service to help you clean your home and be more organized. Some things you just don't have to do yourself. Third, celebrate each day that you met one or a few of your objectives. If you only celebrate when you get to that big final goal, you will lose momentum and give up. So it is important to acknowledge your progress.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
And then we often just give up when we mess up, and then all those dreams go unfulfilled, all the goals go unrealized. So today I'm showing you how to stay committed to yourself and your goals even when you mess up. so that you can stay the course, be in it for the long haul, and really truly get what you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
even just 1% better each day is something to celebrate and deserves your own recognition and praise. When we're talking about changing our ways and making inroads towards our goals, we need to give ourselves credit where credit is due for all the little things we're doing along the way. Fourth, accept that this is not an all or nothing game here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Expect the mess ups and the imperfections and build that into your plan and to expect it so that you know how to get back on track quickly when there are mess ups. This way you're not going to let yourself down so terribly or you won't be so disappointed in yourself when this happens and it doesn't become an excuse to just throw in the towel.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Promise yourself that when you mess up, you're not going to start over next week or next year or even tomorrow. You're starting over with your very next decision. This is part of the plan because you've anticipated for it, you have expected it, and you know exactly what you need to do to get back on track quickly. If all goes according to plan,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
perhaps what that means is that your goal was not ambitious enough or audacious enough. Maybe you didn't stretch yourself enough. So what more could you actually accomplish if this goal that you're working on and these objectives are too easy for you, right? And then to take this to the next level, to take it even further is celebrate the mess ups.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Yes, celebrate the mess ups because your mess ups are giving you valuable information, information that you need to make the process even better. Think about it all as one big experiment. If it all goes according to plan and you don't mess up, you don't learn anything about yourself, and then you can't replicate this with other goals in the future. So
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So what can you learn about yourself and your learning style or how you grow into doing new things? What works best for you and what doesn't work at all? You will learn so much about yourself when things don't go well. So here's an example. Maybe you told yourself you were going to give that dry January thing a try.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
But after a long, stressful day, you poured that glass of wine anyway, and you wake up the next morning and you're thinking, well, there goes that. I'll just try again next year. But here's the truth. Messing up doesn't mean you've failed. It means you have new information. So ask yourself, what can I learn from this? Maybe wine wasn't even what you really needed in that moment.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Maybe what you needed was a way to transition out of work mode and to relax. So next time, maybe you'll swap the wine for a walk or a hot bath or just doing what I like to do, changing into my comfy clothes and just mentally declaring that I'm done for the day. Mess ups are just clues. They're feedback for you about what's working and what's not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
So every time you mess up, it's an opportunity to refine your approach or even adjust your overall outcome. Dry January may not be for you. Just because some social media person decided dry January is a thing does not mean you need to do it. I don't drink that much. And so I don't really need to do dry January because it just would not be something that I need to work on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
The truth is the only way that you truly fail is if you stop trying and give up when you mess up. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
I drink so infrequently that when I want a glass of wine, I'm going to have it. So dry January is not for me. Make sense? Fifth, talk to yourself like you have already achieved your outcome. This is about your identity. I did a few episodes on identity recently.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
I will put the links to those other shows in the show notes so you can go back and listen more if you're interested to learn more about it specifically. But you have to think of yourself as the person you will be in the future when you've achieved your goals. You're going to talk to yourself as your future self, not as the person you have been up until now, but the person you will be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
What are you thinking about? How are you feeling? What are you doing that is so very different in this new version of you, this new life that you will have when you've created and achieved these goals? If your goal is to drop a few pounds and get into great shape, what is it that you look like in that future version of you? What are you wearing? How are you walking?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
How are you interacting with people in your life? What are you doing with your workouts? How are you handling your meals? I know you don't smoke because that would be very bad for you, but let's just say you want to quit smoking. Start acting as if you're already the non-smoker that you want to become. You don't say things like, I'm trying to quit. You say, I don't smoke. Okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
That's what a non-smoker would say. You identify as a non-smoker. And if you notice someone smoking, you would say to yourself, ew, smoking is gross. How can people do that? Because that might be something that you would say or think if you're a non-smoker. Get it? So step into the identity of the future you and do it now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
It's like brainwashing yourself to succeed at achieving your goal because you are positively reinforcing your new way of thinking as the future version of you who has already achieved the goal. Don't only focus on the goal itself. Focus on yourself. The growth here is to become the next version of you, the you who knows how to live this life that you are wanting once you've achieved the goal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Next, if you continue to struggle following through on the bite-sized tasks that are the building blocks of your dream, your goal, or the vision that you're working towards, then One of the most important things that you can do is to check yourself. Whose goal is this anyway? Don't aim for dry January just because it's a thing on social media. Remember I said that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Or that all your friends are doing it. Do it because you want to do it. Are you working on losing weight because your partner is nagging at you? saying they just want you to be healthy. Maybe you are perfectly happy where you are. Maybe you're trying to grow your business to seven figures, but that's because every single online business coach tells you that that's what you're supposed to want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
But maybe you're happy with multiple six figures and you don't really want to do all that heavy lifting and all the work that's involved. in scaling up. Be honest about how badly you want it. And if you keep trying and trying, giving up and then trying again, having the same goal that you're not achieving or the same resolution every damn year, then just be real with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
This one's tough love, but it's important. If you only sort of want something, your efforts will reflect that. Half-assed attempts lead to half-assed results, and here's the kicker, that's okay as long as you're honest with yourself. You can't win if you're doing something that you don't really want to do. You will phone it in, and then you'll feel bad about yourself that you can't follow through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
You cannot do something half-assed and expect to get results. You have to use your full ass. Ask yourself, do I really want this or is it something I think I should want because of societal pressure or someone else's expectations? If you're not all in, give yourself permission to let it go. Be all in or get out. It's a fuck yeah or it's a no, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
It's something that I like to say with my clients a lot. And if you're all in, ask yourself this, what am I willing to do to make this happen? What are the consequences of doing it or not doing it? Sometimes just reminding yourself of how proud you will feel of yourself later can be the motivation that you need to push through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Delayed gratification is when we do the hard thing now and experience the tremendous payoff later. That is usually a much longer lasting high than the fleeting high that we get from the instant gratification we get from giving in and giving up in the moment. Delayed gratification is a more mature choice. Your best self opts for the delayed gratification. Either way, you're in or you're out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Let's talk about the moments when you set a goal or a resolution and then life happens. You mess up. You have one of those, why did I do that moments? It's frustrating, right? But here's the thing. Messing up isn't a dead end. It's really just part of the journey.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Just be true to yourself always. And lastly, when you mess up, because you likely will, just fucking forgive yourself. Reconnect to your why and recommit to yourself with love. When you lose sight of your deeper reason for pursuing a goal, it's so easy to give up. Here's the thing. When you lose sight of why you set your goal in the first place, it's easy to let one misstep derail everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Recommitting doesn't start over tomorrow or next week. It starts with your very next decision. So pause and reconnect to your why. Why are you doing this? And why is this so important to you? If you approach this all from a place of self-devotion rather than from a place of self-loathing and self-discipline, you will find it much easier to get back on track.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
Forgive your mess-ups and never, ever give up because you never give up on yourself. Ever. Remember, You are doing all of this because you love yourself, not because you don't. So I suggest writing these seven reminders down in a journal or somewhere that you can refer back to them and use them as a resource for staying committed to yourself, your big dreams, and your big goals.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Don't Give Up When You Mess Up
And the next time that you mess up, you are not giving up. I'm not going to let you. Use the steps that we talked about today to turn your set back into a set up for success. If you're ready to take your growth to the next level, please check out my self-devoted, self-satisfied, and self-made programs covering everything from fitness, relationships, to money. The links are all in the show notes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
Today I'm sharing five things that I am teaching both of my kids, but especially my daughter. These are lessons or messages that I didn't get growing up that took me years to figure out and heal from in my own personal growth journey.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
We all want to be seen and we are not taught how to do this for ourselves. I want her to learn how to see herself. She has to have a sense of who she really is, not what she needs to be to make me happy, or to be what society expects her to be, but who she really is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I want her to know her strengths and what she's really good at and what her natural innate talents are, and to also see what she struggles with, what she defaults to doing or thinking that can hold her back. When we know ourselves in that way, we can make decisions about classes and work and friends and activities that are in our own best interest, to put ourselves in situations
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
Even if your kids are fully grown and out of the house or you don't even have kids at all, you're still gonna wanna listen because what I'm sharing might be the one lesson that you never got that you also really need to hear. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
that accentuate our strengths and support our areas for growth. We can set ourselves up for success and carve our path in life, whatever that is that is best for us. So I am teaching her to fully see herself. And in order to do that, I have to be curious and looking carefully and be paying attention to her. And I reflect it back to her, which can sometimes be a very delicate dance.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
If you have a teenage daughter, you know what I mean. And sometimes it doesn't always land the way I intend, but I'm doing this because it's that important. And this is where many parents get things wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
They either see what they want to see in their child and just ignore the rest and forget about the rest, or they just don't see their child at all and instead push them, mold them, influence them to be what the parents want them to be. Parents are here to affirm their children, not possess them. We all just want to be seen in this life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
And this is the number one thing I want my kids to get from me. I see them. I see them for who they are without any kind of agenda on my part. When you see yourself as you are, and you know yourself without judgment and criticism, just objectively knowing, You don't go looking for that in anyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
You don't go seeking that outside of yourself, and you can carve your path in life, one that sets you up for happiness, fulfillment, and success. Second, what comes from this knowing of self is understanding that she has all the answers that she needs inside of her.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
She knows what's best for her always, and she can find those answers by turning towards herself and not away, by noticing her body's reaction to things, feeling her feelings, and by hearing her own voice in her head, not my voice and not anyone else's voice, just hers. I'm teaching her to not seek her truth in someone else, to not seek validation or approval in others, but to give it to herself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
She doesn't need to crowdsource to get consensus from others in her life in order to know what's best for her to do. She knows what's best for her inside. So when she asks for advice from me, instead of giving it to her, I ask her questions. If you do this thing and it doesn't go how you want it to, how are you going to feel about that? How are you going to feel about yourself?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I'm teaching her to build that internal compass, to know what's true for her and align for her even when the world is loud and everyone else has an opinion. The most important relationship that she will ever have is the one that she has with herself. I don't want her looking outward for answers. I want her to know they already exist inside of her. Third, I'm teaching her to trust herself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I want her to develop self-trust, which means that no matter the cost or the consequences, she will always do what is best for her. No self-betrayal, no self-abandonment. She must always get her own back and be her own best friend. So that
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
to keep herself safe and not sacrifice her needs, her safety, what's important to her, to please other people or make other people happy, to not leave herself behind to gain approval or acceptance from others or to be liked. This is the one thing that trips most of us up because honoring yourself often means disappointing other people sometimes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. I know that I did my absolute best not to do to my kids.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
But I'm teaching her, you are the most important person in your life, period. And that is not selfish. It is self-responsible. She has to get her own back, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's messy, and especially when other people don't understand because the people who truly love you, they will respect your choices and they want what's best for you. They don't want something from you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
They just want what's best for you. And the ones that don't, That's good information to have. And she's allowed to walk away. She's allowed to say no. She's allowed to choose herself. And she can do those things and still be a kind, loving person. And I remind her that it's better to lose someone else's approval than to lose yourself. Fourth, I'm teaching my daughter to be her own advocate.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
Actually, I'm teaching my son this too. self-advocacy, to be your own most powerful advocate, to be fully expressed and always ask for what you need and expect to get it. People cannot read your mind. They don't know what you need. They don't know what you're thinking. And you have to be the one to express yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I'm teaching her not to just know what she needs, but to boldly, clearly, without apology or guilt, ask for it. I don't want her to soften her voice, shrink her request, or over-explain because the world works this way. The world responds to the energy of, I believe I deserve this, and we get what we expect. I have taught both my kids that if they get a no, it doesn't mean it's a final no.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
It doesn't mean stop asking. It means ask in a different way. Try again. Try louder. Find someone else. Call back. Walk into another room. There's always a way to get what you want. And it's not about bulldozing other people or being a bull in a China shop and pushing your way through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
But when there is something that you need or want and you know that you are worthy of getting it, nothing's going to stop you from getting it. And so you never take your first no. If you know what you're asking for is reasonable and you want it and you're requesting it, then you shall have it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
And the only way that you're ever going to get what you need or want is to put it out there, ask for it, and expect to receive it. This is about coming from a place of worth and deservability. And finally, your happiness is your responsibility. This is the anchor to all and the number one rule to living a self-centered life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I'm teaching her that her happiness, her joy, her success, her wellbeing, her safety is up to her. It is not up to her friends. It is not up to her partner. It's not up to me. If something isn't working in your life, I want her to ask herself, what am I doing here? What
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
not about blaming or waiting or hoping someone else will finally give her what she needs or someone else will finally show up and poof, magically she has what she wants. It's not waiting for somebody else in your life to change so she could be happy. It's up to us to decide for ourselves how we're going to show up. And when something isn't working, look no further than the mirror.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
I know that's a bitter pill to swallow, And it kind of sounds like a harsh lesson to teach your kids, but it's like the secret key ingredient to being happy and having fulfillment and success and peace and joy in your life. Being willing to look in the mirror and ask yourself, How am I the common denominator here? What is it that I'm doing or not doing that's getting in my own way?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
the really painful and damaging things that I experienced. That does not mean though that I'm a perfect parent because I'm definitely not that. And they will be the first to tell you. It's 100% guaranteed that I've definitely messed them up in my own special kind of way. but at least it won't be the things that were done to me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
And once you can identify what that is, you are no longer the obstacle. You are no longer the problem, but the solution. We hold the key to getting everything that we want in our lives by simply being willing to ask ourselves those questions. And yeah, sometimes my daughter can push back against that. Why are you saying it's my fault?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
But again and again and again, just continuing to show her how she has the answers. And if she's the problem, then she has the answers to being the solution. And she can fix whatever it is that's getting in the way. If I can teach her these things by showing her, not just saying them, but showing her, then I feel like I have done my job. And maybe you needed to hear this today too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
Whether you're raising daughters or sons or just continuing to heal your own inner self, these lessons are for all of us. We are the blueprint. We are the example. So let's be the kind of woman we want our daughters to become. If you love this episode, make sure that you're subscribed so you never miss another one. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
So today, I want to share with you the five things that I am intentionally teaching and doing with both my kids, actually, but especially my daughter. These are things that I wish someone had done for me. So the first thing, the most important thing that I want my daughter to have before she leaves my house is to know who she is. I am teaching her how to see herself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
The word self-centered is often associated with selfishness, narcissism, or being full of yourself. But in my world, being self-centered means something else entirely, and it's a good thing. In fact, it's a prerequisite for being your best self, living your best life, and getting anything you want. At 52, I feel more at peace with myself than ever before. I'm in the best shape of my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Being self-centered ensures that you're living completely authentically, being true to yourself always, and making choices or decisions that are in alignment with your own values. When you do this, you are the best version of yourself for you, and then you can show up this way for everyone else too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
And I really believe that living a self-centered life is the solution to all of our modern epidemics of anxiety, loneliness, even obesity and opioids. I know it's a big promise to make and it sounds grandiose, but it's actually quite simple. And once I explain, you'll see why. So there are five core concepts to living a self-centered life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Core concept number one, you are the center of your own universe. You may have heard people say throughout the years growing up, the world doesn't revolve around you. But I honestly believe that is one of the biggest lies that we've been conditioned to believe because the truth is, yes, your world does revolve around you. Of course it does.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
You are the center of everything in your universe, just as I am the center of mine. There is a direct line and connection between who I am and everything in my life, my relationships, my work, my health, my lifestyle, my finances, all of it. Who I am goes with me into each area of my life and determines the quality of those parts of my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
That is how important I am in my life, how important you are in your life. That is how much power we have to create the exact life that we desire. The impact that you have is far reaching because everything in your world responds to how you are showing up. So yes, the world, your world does revolve around you. Core concept number two, in your life, you come first and you go first.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
So let's talk about you come first first. This is more than self-care and putting on your own oxygen mask first platitudes. It's deeper than that. You coming first in your life allows you to have a rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself. This means you never waver. You always get your own back. You trust yourself to do what you need to do to take care of you first.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
This self-prioritization provides you essential emotional and even physical safety and security. which of course we all need for our own wellbeing. So here's what this looks like in real life. You'll never put yourself in a situation or stay in a situation that is not good for you, whether it's just uncomfortable or unsafe, because you don't feel obligated to other people.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
I'm running a multi eight figure business and I have an amazing family life. I'm living life on my own terms and loving every bit of it. And I want that for you. I want it for all of us because it just feels amazing. So today I'm breaking down what it really means to be self-centered. and I'm sharing the five core concepts of living a self-centered life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
You won't compromise yourself and what matters to you because you know that you will prioritize yourself. You won't allow yourself to be treated poorly or expose yourself to drama or toxicity just to keep the peace or make other people happy. You make sure your needs, wants, feelings, and desires are considered first, because in your life, you matter most.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
You are responsible for creating your own safety in this world, and this is how you do it. Going first means taking the lead. If there's something that you want to change or achieve, it starts with you. For example, If you often feel unappreciated or taken advantage of, it starts by looking at how you value yourself and how you are potentially overgiving in ways.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
I tell my Ready for Love clients, if you want a man to make you a priority, you have to be a woman who makes herself a priority first. Your relationship with you is the model. You go first and then everything else follows. Core concept number three, you are always both the problem and the solution.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
When you become truly self-centered, you recognize that everything in your life is a reflection of your choices and your mindset. You are the common denominator in all things in your life, So if you're experiencing disappointment or dissatisfaction, look no further than the mirror. And I know that's hard to take. I call it the bitter pill, but it's also the magic pill all at once.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
It's the bitter pill to swallow that you're the problem, but it's the most liberating and empowering thing I can tell you because that means then that you are also the solution. I always want to be the problem in my life. because then I can just decide I'm going to figure it out. And then I do, and then I get out of my own way. The answers always lie within you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
And this requires us to take complete responsibility for ourselves, total ownership of how we've contributed to and created the situations and circumstances in our lives. It's not about blaming yourself, but realizing that you have all the power to change anything in your life. And it's so much easier than you may realize. And it feels a whole lot better than you might think it will.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
To learn more about this, grab my free mini video training called This Changes Everything. It's linked in the show notes and in the comments pinned at the top. Core concept number four, it's not noble to be selfless. As a society, we've all been sold on a false virtue of selflessness, that sacrificing ourselves for others is noble.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
We praise people and hold them in high regard if they are the kind of person who would, quote, give their shirt off of their back to someone in need, right? We've all heard that. It's a common sentiment. It means that somehow we are good when we put ourselves last. and put others first. One of my clients told me she grew up with a song. She literally sang it for me. The song is called Joy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Jesus first, then others, then you. It's pervasive conditioning in our world, teaching us that we don't matter as much as everyone else, that others are more important than we are. and putting them first makes us virtuous and good. But this leads to living inauthentically, creates resentment, and ultimately is self-abandonment and self-betrayal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
It's not valuing ourselves at all and teaches that our value comes only when we put others first. But then when we sacrifice ourselves for others, we are often left feeling empty or invisible and unfulfilled. There is a big difference between being giving and generous and being selfless, self-less. One is healthy giving with discernment, self-consideration and boundaries.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
And stick around till the very end because you'll want to understand all of the core concepts together. One without the rest isn't nearly as effective and powerful. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
And one is coming from a place of need and lack, a lack of self-worth and a deep need to be needed. Self-sacrifice is not a gift. It's a lie. Giving something we can't afford to give or don't really want to give like time or money or emotional support is not a gift, it's a lie.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Becoming self-centered requires a major paradigm shift and breaking free from the conditioning that it's noble to be selfless and to know that it is actually harmful to our mental health and wellbeing. This is what causes so much of our anxiety and resentment and loneliness
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
And then all of that leads to poor coping, like eating too much or drinking, being passive aggressive, having a victim mentality or falling into murder syndrome. And instead, it's about understanding that no one is asking you or expecting you to sacrifice yourself for others. It is not required for you to have value in this world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
It is more honest to consider yourself first than intentionally decide who you are and what you want to be. and making your decisions from that place of authenticity, rather than seeking or proving your value and worth by what you can do for other people. I really want to drive that home. Core concept number five, the outcome is internal. This is perhaps the best part of being self-centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
I love this so much. It's a radical new way of operating in the world. to shift the focus on how you measure success. So what do I mean by the outcome is internal? It means that no matter what happens in your outer world, which you often can't control, you win no matter what when your focus is always on what you can control, that which is internal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
You, by letting go of the external outcome of a desired tangible thing and knowing that you succeeded simply by showing up the best version of yourself possible, which you have 100% control of, you always succeed and you always win. An example of this may be having a difficult or vulnerable conversation with someone in your life, not knowing how they will respond.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Maybe they appreciate what you have to share and maybe they completely reject it and the relationship ends and it falls apart. But if you measure your success, not by what happens in the relationship with this person,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
But by the fact that you were brave enough to have the conversation in the first place, that you expressed yourself fully, or that you set a limit and got your own back, or you asked for what you need, or that you were really vulnerable, or you stood up for yourself, then you always win no matter what, because you have control over all of that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
The success is in how you represented yourself, took care of yourself. showed up as your ideal self. This is everything because it means then you become fearless and rejection-proof and fail-proof. Doesn't that make sense? And funny how it works, but when you let go of the external outcome and simply focus on being your best self, your self
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
centered self, we often end up getting even more than we originally desired, more than we ever could have imagined possible. Being self-centered opens you up to the infinite potential of what is available to you in this life. I know this sounds like a lot and it takes time and practice to make these shifts in your life internally and externally. Thanks for being here today. I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Life on Your Own Terms
Being self-centered in the way I teach it is not about thinking that you're better than everyone else, and it's not about thinking that you're above reproach. It's about being fully centered in yourself, prioritizing the relationship you have with yourself. It's holding sacred your relationship with you, which is the most important relationship in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Everyone talks about being your best self, and we take for granted that we actually know what that means because it can be a pretty vague concept if you think about it. If you value personal growth and self-development, but you've never really examined, explored, or defined what it means to be your best self, then this episode is for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And the growth is about intentionally working towards narrowing the space between those two versions of you. Makes sense, right? So let's define your ideal self. This is a version of you that is more evolved in all the ways that you would like to be. Areas of your current real self that may struggle or feel undeveloped.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So for example, an ideal self may be more emotionally mature or patient or vulnerable. Or your ideal self might be less anxious or reactive or impulsive or guarded. So it all starts with getting very honest with yourself about what it is about you and how you are now that isn't working for you or is holding you back in some way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
You won't really allow yourself to be honest if you're going to condemn yourself or judge yourself or fall into shame, so monitor that. This is just about gentle, radical honesty. What things about you could use a little help, need a little growing? So your ideal you is what you look like if all that stuff is no longer there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
It just disappeared or resolved or it's no longer a thing, it's not bothering you, it's better. Imagine how that would feel if you could live that life as that person. Seems amazing, right? But here's the thing I really want you to understand about this so it doesn't feel overwhelming or exhausting or a daunting or like a never-ending chore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Your ideal self is not a destination that you try to reach and then once you get there, you just sit back and relax. Your ideal self is like the horizon. You never actually arrive. When you are walking and you see the horizon line in the distance, even if you keep walking towards it, you never really actually reach the line. It keeps moving as you do, right? So accept that right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Today I'm sharing five daily habits that help me connect with myself and help me be the best version of myself, and how to get clear what your ideal self looks like. And make sure to stick around until the end because I'm giving you one powerful magic question to ask yourself that will always guide you and give you the answers that you need. So let's dive in. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
You will never achieve a state of being your ideal self. You will have moments where you get to experience being that person, that version of you, but that is all. So let that take the pressure off. The goal isn't to be this perfect version of you. Ideal is just that. It's an ideal. And knowing that going in is the best way to embrace personal growth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
so you don't feel defeated and throw in the towel and beat yourself up when you mess up. You just do your best and inherent in that is messing up and falling short. That's just the human way. When you're clear about what that ideal version of you looks like and feels like and acts like,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
way out there on the horizon, then being your best self is the you along the way doing your best to achieve that ideal. This is a very important distinction to make in your mind to help you with all of this. Your ideal is what you are seeking to achieve. Your best is who you are along the way trying to achieve it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So now I'm going to share the five habits that help me connect to my ideal self every day so I can do my best to be my best every day. First, I wake up early every day. You remember the proverb, early to bed, early to rise makes a woman healthy, wealthy, and wise? Yes. It is 100% true. I wake up early, not because I have to, but because I get to.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
That very first time in the morning when it's quiet, I get to enjoy my own company, being with myself. It's a sacred time for me to be with me just as me, not Hillary, the wife or the mom or the CEO, just me. No one needs anything from me and I don't have to do anything. If you're rushing into your day, you're starting from a place of chaos.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Give yourself the gift of starting with this quiet time and watch how much calmer and more centered you feel throughout the day. My next habit is about what I'm doing in this quiet time, which is the best time that you'll spend every day if you learn to do this too. I check in with myself. How am I feeling right now? Who am I right now? What's going on with me?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Being fully present and engaged with myself. I do this just like I would if I sat down with a friend I've not seen in a while, with someone that I really care about and I'm deeply interested in. Think about it. Do you ever really give yourself that kind of undivided attention and devotion? Are you so curious with yourself as you are with a bestie or a long lost friend?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Doing this helps me feel seen and heard and valued and important by me. All the things that we deeply desire to feel, but we often place the onus on others to do for us. It's nice to have relationships in our lives that can provide this kind of witnessing, but we must do this for ourselves first. This is how to begin being self-centered. Self-centered. centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
The second part of this process is getting myself into the emotional state I want to be in right now, and then it sets me up for the whole rest of the day. I decide who I'm going to be today, what I'm going to focus on, what thoughts I'm going to entertain, and how I'm going to show up. This process is way more effective than traditional meditation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
It's less passive and accepting of what is, and instead more consciously intentionally directing my thoughts and my state of being into what I choose for myself. Your emotional state sets the tone for everything. So you get to choose this on purpose. If what I've been describing sounds good to you, It's a tiny piece of what is in the daily journal, my complete morning ritual.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I will put the link in the show notes just in case you want to check it out. The third habit is to work out every day. I know some of you who've been listening to me for a while know I do this and I talk about it all the time. I work out every day right after this quiet time in the morning.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Personal growth isn't some esoteric thing. It's simply about being intentional. So let's make it really practical today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
The key here is that I'm not just grinding it out, sweating it out, or doing time at the gym because I have to burn calories. What makes this different is that it's about being present with myself physically. being aware of my movements, being in my body and noticing, being attuned and physically connected to my physicality.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Kinesthetic intelligence is the ability to use your body effectively to express yourself. to solve problems or create something. So people with high bodily kinesthetic intelligence are skilled at coordinating their mind and their body, kind of like athletes or dancers, or even the fine motor skills that artists and surgeons have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So for me, being in my body during workouts is feeling the clothes on my skin, moving with intention, experiencing the embodiment, and self-awareness through movement. Sometimes I'm lifting weights, but it's not just a mindless motion that I'm counting and I can't wait to be finished with. It's a thoughtful motion.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Sometimes it's a long walk, and sometimes it's a Tracy Anderson routine, which I love for this because it's like a guided physical meditation. It's a dance. Whatever I'm doing, it is a fully sensual experience for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
These morning workouts for me are a part of why I'm in such great shape, but I love it and I look forward to it because of the connection to myself that I get to experience every morning. It's being self-conscious in the best possible way. I'm fully grounded, present, and connected to myself. Your body is the vessel, so honor it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Okay, two more daily habits, and then I'm gonna share that powerful, magical question that you can start asking yourself. This next part of my daily habit is selecting my music very intentionally. I know it sounds silly to talk about music as a habit, but it is. Every single day, music is a part of my life. Music has the power to shift our emotional state.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I choose the music each day that helps me feel how I want to feel. And here is what this does for me specifically. During the day, like all of us, there is so much to do. Family, kids, business, and the chaos of life. It's easy to be in task mode, to-do mode, get shit done mode, being on the go all day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I'm in a highly functioning productive zone all day long, which is great for accomplishing things, but it's a very masculine energy and without intentionally shifting out of it can lead to burnout and lack of balance and harmony. So for me personally, I select music that takes me to an internal place where I'm connecting with and experiencing my feminine self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So like I said, my workouts are a completely sensual experience for me and the music is in part what helps me get there. I love starting out each day, putting myself into the state of being deeply feminine and sensual and strong and abundantly powerful. Remember, being your best self is the you who is actively working on becoming your ideal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And this helps me be my best self, which is holding both the masculine and the feminine energy. So music is very subjective and personal, but I'm sharing my highly curated Spotify playlist with you If you want to check it out, go to hillarysilver.com forward slash playlist, and I'll send you the link.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So the last daily habit for me in being my best self is to hold myself accountable all day, every day. I don't just check in in the morning and then call it good. I stay present with myself throughout the day. This doesn't mean that I'm perfect and that I never mess up because believe me, I do, but I'm conscious and I'm aware of how I'm feeling throughout
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
so I can choose my actions or behaviors intentionally. If I need a moment to process it and figure it out, I pause and give myself that time to check in. Never underestimate the power of the pause. This helps me navigate being the person that I want to be. I am being my best self because I'm keeping my eye on the horizon, which is, again, as you remember, that's my ideal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And then I'm actively working towards it each day, moment to moment. I'm accountable to myself. At the end of the day, I'm the one I have to answer to. Did I show up my best self? Did I live my values? Did I honor my boundaries? Did I live in alignment with who I think and say I want to be? Did I handle myself in a way that I can be proud of, in ways that my ideal self would be proud of?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
When my head hits that pillow every night, I want to sleep peacefully knowing that I did. So many people are living for external validation. I'm living for mine. And that's what I want for you as well. So here's the magic question that I promised you. When you're trying to figure out how to handle something, you're not sure what to do in a situation or what to say to someone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Things like that come up every day in life, okay? At home, at work, or in the community, rather than seek outside counsel from a friend or a family member, or even keeping a therapist around to have as a sounding board. A truly self-centered person knows that she has the answers inside of her already, and you do. The question to start asking yourself is this,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Personal growth is about being aware of who you are right now, your current self, your real self, how you feel, what you think and believe, how you act and behave, the choices that you make, and how you operate in your life, how you move through the world. And then acknowledging that there is a more ideal version of you that you would like to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
what would my ideal self do right now? How is my ideal self going to respond or handle this? It puts you in the mind of the ideal version of you so you can answer the question for yourself. If you are truly your ideal right now, how would you handle this? What would you do or say right now? This question has helped me grow so much And I know it will do the same for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So give it a try along with all of these other daily habits and let me know how it goes. And if you want my playlist, don't forget to go to hillarysilver.com forward slash playlist and I'll send it to you. I'll also put the link in the show notes. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Do you feel like you've hit a point in life where you suddenly have space and time that you didn't have before? Maybe your kids are more independent now and they just don't need you as much. Or maybe you've hit a career plateau or you're even facing an empty nest, but you don't really even know what you want to do with that time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So maybe they're not even really your goals. Others of you haven't even started to work on any goals, all because you just don't even know what to aim for and where to start. Sound familiar? I get it. I am actually in the same boat doing this right along with you. It is so common, especially for high performing women who've been laser focused on their careers and their families for years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
When work becomes such a huge part of your identity and your focus, and your kids are a priority, you can really lose touch with what you want outside of those roles. And then when you suddenly find yourself with more time or space, it can feel a little disorienting. You feel the hole, the space.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
And what we don't want is to fill that time with more work, just because it's easy for you and you're good at it and you're rewarded by doing so, either financially or because it's fulfilling and it gives you purpose, okay? And you enjoy it, yes, but there are other things in life that bring joy and fulfillment.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
You know you want something more and you need to find something, but the question is what? Today, I'm talking directly to those of you who don't even know what you want. It's something I hear all the time. Hillary, I don't even know what I want. How can I manifest something if I don't even know what I want? So if that's you, you are in the right place.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So today I'm sharing how to reconnect with yourself and start figuring out what you truly want. And keep in mind, these are not one and done exercises. All of these things that I'm talking about today will be things that you start doing over and over again, a lot. And over time, it will just become a natural part of how you think about yourself and talk to yourself and in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So number one, become a master observer of yourself. To discover what you truly want, just start paying attention to yourself, really listening to what you are saying to yourself throughout the day. Notice what catches your attention. Are there moments during your busy day when you think something like, that looks fun, or I wish I had time for that, or I'd love to try that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I bet there are a lot more of those moments than you realize because you're just too distracted in the moment to notice. So make an effort to take notice and then write them down because you will forget it later. These are small sparks that could be clues to what lights you up or areas that you'd love to actually explore. Also, reflect on what you used to love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Were there activities or hobbies that you enjoyed in the past, but you gave up because life got too busy? They just got squeezed out. Would you want to revisit them? If not, ask yourself why. Maybe they no longer fit your life as is, but could work in a new version. So for example, if tennis feels too intense now,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
maybe playing doubles or pickleball like everyone else is doing could actually bring you joy. Back before I had kids, I was rock climbing and playing a lot of ultimate Frisbee. That's in fact how my husband and I met. But once we had kids, actually rock climbing felt too scary for me and too risky. And it was just something I wasn't willing to do anymore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
And so really some things are not going to be a fit for you anymore, but there's It's important to understand why and to just understand that about yourself. Evolving your interests rather than starting from scratch is a powerful way to add more value back into your life. Number two, use jealousy and envy as clues. Yes, you heard me right.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
We judge jealousy and envy as bad feelings, so we often won't admit that when we feel it. We try to shut it down and pretend we don't feel it. But if you allow yourself to feel it and turn towards the jealousy with curiosity, it can become a window for you, providing awareness and insight like clues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So when you see someone else's life or you see somebody doing something and you feel a pang of envy, ask yourself this. What do I admire about their life? What's stirring something in me? Maybe you envy somebody's ability to travel or their creative hobby or their close relationships. That envy can point you towards something you didn't even know is a desire for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Number three, ask the magic wand question. I love this one. If I handed you a magic wand right now and told you that you could just wave that wand and have, be, or do anything, what would you choose? With no limits. This exercise is all about bypassing the limits you've placed on yourself
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
By the end of this episode, you will have some practical steps and tools and ideas and exercises to figure it out. And trust me, this is a journey worth taking. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
and tuning into your deepest desires by putting the how on the shelf, the yeah, but I'm not good at it, or yeah, but I don't have time for that, or yeah, but that's not practical. If you put that aside and not limit yourself or worry about how to actually make it happen, what would you come up with? This is not the time to be practical right now. This is an exploratory exercise.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Just allow yourself to think big and dream big and just enjoy getting to know this part of you. If you could do, be, or have anything without all of the how do I get there logistics, what would it be? Would you want to travel the world? Would you want to write a book? Would you start a business or grow the one that you already have? Take up painting, dancing, or gardening.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Once you come up with something, you can later figure out how to get there because you are resourceful. Making it happen is often the easy part. Everything is figureoutable, right? I'm sure you've heard that phrase. Number four, experiment without commitment. Once you have some ideas, try them out without feeling like you have to commit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
People get scared of commitment, so they don't even try anything. You don't have to go all in right away. So if you've always wanted a second home or a vacation home, rent one for a month before you buy. If you're thinking about taking up a new hobby, sign up for a short workshop or a single class before getting a membership. That's what I did. I'm so glad that I did it that way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I tried aerial dance, but then I got super dizzy. And it turns out you can get motion sickness, not just in a car or in a boat. So that was a one and done for me. We made this huge mistake and bought an Airstream. We used it once and then we sold it. It was harder than we thought it would be. It was a total pain in the ass.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Think about this as a fun experiment, having a new experience and figuring out what truly lights you up. But try before you buy to avoid triggering that fear of commitment that could keep you from trying in the first place. Number five, do the life zone exercise. This is one of my favorite tools to help you assess where you are and where you want to go.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So imagine your life as a wheel divided into sections like a pie chart. career, health, relationships, personal growth, hobbies, finances, and so on. It's an infinite pie chart. Rate your satisfaction in each area on a scale of one to 10. Which areas feel lacking and which ones feel abundant? The answers can guide you towards where you want to focus your energy and intention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
which areas are not fulfilling but that you want to be better. This isn't only about hobbies and activities that you might want right now. Maybe you want better friendships, improve your finances, make a career change, or get involved in philanthropy or volunteering more. Where your focus goes grows. This exercise will help you get clear what area of your life is lacking
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
so you can bring it into focus and make it a priority. Number six, focus on your feelings. This is one of my favorite things to share with my clients. Our emotions are our greatest source of wisdom for us. They inform us, guide us, reveal to us, and show us who we really are. Our feelings help us see what we value and what's important to us. So two things,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Pay attention to what upsets you, pisses you off, lights you up, excites you as you are living your life. And a good way to do this is by watching the news or listening to the news. What makes you mad and what moves you? When you're out to dinner with your partner or your friends, what feels luxurious or special? This can give you clues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So for example, I love all things beauty and design, fashion design, interior design. So I love being in beautifully designed places. It feels luxurious and makes me feel alive. So instead of just consuming through lots of shopping and buying things and developing a bad habit... I add in more time to just be in those places.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
High-end restaurants have amazing design, and I love just being there and staying in beautiful hotels when I travel, exploring stunning places. All of that enriches my life and just helps me step away from my daily life, and it allows me to spend time in places that just feel good to me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
This doesn't necessarily mean I'm adding in a hobby or developing a talent or a skill, but I'm honoring a part of me. And it's something that I consider when I'm making plans with my husband or my friends or doing something for my business. So instead of thinking about what you want to do, think about how you want to feel.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you want to have more adventure in your life, you will want to add in outdoor activities that push the limit or foreign travel, something that brings you a sense of adventure. If you want to feel creative or inspired, you're going to want to pursue something artistic.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Once you're clear on how you want to feel, you can then brainstorm ways to add more of those activities into your life, those experiences that provide that sense of feeling for you. And remember, you're not just doing these exercises once. You're doing it all the time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
It's really about your relationship with yourself and how you think about yourself and tune into yourself, continuing to really know yourself so that you can create this life that is truly yours. As you do this work, you will reconnect with yourself and remember a big part of who you always were and who you want to continue to be and what really makes you happy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you're truly committed to making yourself a priority, sign up for my self-satisfied program. The life zone exercise is actually part of that program and I'm going to guide you in how to apply it into your life and so much more. The link is in the show notes and in the comments below. Thank you again for all of your support and for listening. See you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I want to quickly start by expressing my deep gratitude for all of you who've been listening to this podcast and watching on YouTube. Last week, CastBox and Apple Podcast ranked this show number five in the self-improvement and education categories. It feels amazing, so thank you for the comments, the ratings, the reviews, and sharing with your friends.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
It means so much to me, and I just hope that you continue to find value in what I'm sharing. So let me tell you why I'm tackling this topic today. I've been getting so many messages from all of you saying, what if I don't know what I want? I'm still stuck in the what I want part. Some of you have started using my daily journal or are working on goals, but you're not excited about the goal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
How many times have you told yourself, I'll start after the holidays, or I'll do it when work slows down, or I'll get to it when life isn't so crazy, or when the kids are grown? We push off what we really want thinking we'll get to it eventually. But guess what? Eventually doesn't ever really happen. unless we make it happen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
We literally bench ourselves from the game of life or love or success. To use this sports analogy, it's like we've got our uniform on, our helmet on, our cleats on, and there we sit, ready, not ready. Standing up to jump in the game, but then sitting back down again. Standing up when we're excited and we want it, and then sitting back down again. We doubt ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
We worry about failing, fearing that it won't work out or it won't happen. Up, down, up, down. Meaning we think about what we want, have moments of inspiration and belief that it's possible, and then we give up and sit back down again. It's too hard. Never mind. It's too scary or time-consuming. We tell ourselves that someday... I'll get to it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
I'll wait for the right time or just after this next thing I have going on in my life that's keeping me busy. Just one more thing to finish first and then I'll start. It's not the right time because I'm moving or changing jobs or my kids need me. But while you're busy sitting on the bench, life is moving forward. Time is literally passing you by.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And every day that we spend doubting ourselves, questioning ourselves, or putting ourselves last is a day we never get back. Think about that. People say that time is money. And as an entrepreneur, you may think that I agree with this, but the truth is you can always just make more money. You can never make more time. You never can get time back. Time is your most valuable resource.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So today I'm gonna show you why we do this to ourselves, this putting off what we want, and why now is always the perfect time, even if you think it's not, how to get clear on what you really want and why investing in yourself, yes, even during the holidays, is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And every day that you delay, every day you spend not living the life that you want is a very expensive day. especially if the reason that you put it off is because you don't value yourself enough. You don't make time for yourself. You don't make yourself and what you want a priority.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And you tell yourself that it's not important enough, which actually is coming from a deeper belief that you're not important enough. It's costing you a lot to not have what you want. Any day that you spend in self-doubt, thinking negative thoughts about yourself, your life, and your future will or waiting for the right time is a major waste of a precious day. That is a very expensive day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So you know I love you, and that is why I'm always going to be honest and direct. The right time is just a BS excuse. It is. It's just a myth. This kind of thinking causes us to delay, and it costs us a whole lot more than we realize. The very few but powerful shifts that I'm how you think, and therefore how you operate when it comes to this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And you will get to reap the rewards the rest of your life. I really believe, women especially, but when women who want something bad enough, always find a way. Everyone else will just find an excuse. Think about it. When women want boobs, we will always find a way to get boobs, right? So let's start with this. Why do we delay going after what we want?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
It's because deep down we have some subconscious BS getting in the way. We end up being our own biggest obstacle to getting what we want. We are often the only thing standing between where we are now and what it is that we want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
We're scared, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, scared of the work it might take, or scared that we don't have what it takes and that we're not good enough to make it happen. we delay because we aren't really sure we want what we think that we want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So we have these half-assed attempts to get what we want and it turns into half-assed results, which then creates the evidence that we can't actually have what it is that we think that we want. It's kind of crazy how it works that way. This is when you get a punch card but then never go do the activity Or when you pay for a program, but you never do the work or attend the classes or the meetings.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
It's paying for a membership, but never going. It's that kind of a thing. And that doesn't really motivate us because always, if we want the results, we do have to do the work. If running a marathon were easy, everyone would do it. But then actually, no one would do it because it wouldn't be the triumph that it is.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Doing the hard things in order to get the outcome we want is actually part of the fulfillment that we experience once we get it. We don't value what is easy or handed to us as much as the things that we have to earn and work hard to achieve.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So we put it off because it just feels too much or too big, like the work involved is overwhelming or we think it's going to be harder or more uncomfortable than it actually might be. This is often where procrastination comes from. So we mentally just make it bigger than it is and we start dreading it and put it off.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And then when this happens enough, we then start to see ourselves as someone who just doesn't get what we want. We get used to living in this deprivation, in a constant state of longing, or always desiring something that just doesn't feel possible for us. It's just out of reach. We see ourselves as someone who just doesn't get what it is that we want in our life, this thing that we want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
But this is because of our own lack of follow-through, we do it to ourselves. It's so self-defeating. So instead, we just sit on the bench telling ourselves that we'll get in the game later when the time is right. We opt out. We make excuses for why we can't get what we want or why we can't get started. This is classic ambivalence, which is self-sabotage and total avoidance.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
There's this idea that there's a perfect time for everything, a perfect time to start a business or to work on your fitness or to focus on your relationships. But the truth is there is no such thing. There's always going to be something in the way. A busy season, the kids' schedules, the holidays, life doesn't stop and it's always busy for everyone. No one is ever not busy, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
There is never a good time to break up with somebody or have a baby or move or have a surgery. There's always something happening in our lives. So if we delay getting started for those reasons, nothing will ever happen, which then means what I love to say, now is always the perfect time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Right now, while whatever it is that is going on in your life currently is happening, it is still the perfect time. So even during the holidays, when we're conditioned to think about everyone else, This is the time to start thinking about you. Yes, you. So one more important thing that I wanna say, and then I'm gonna just give you a few steps to get really clear on what it is that you really want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Investing in yourself is the best gift that you can give. It's not like consumer debt and things that just go out of style or break or end up in the landfill. When you invest in yourself, in acquiring a new skill, learning a new mindset, becoming more of you, So experiences that help you become your best self, you're expanding yourself and increasing your capacity.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So sign up for a program, get a mentor, work on your health because the returns aren't just immediate, they're exponential. It's like planting a tree. You don't just get one piece of fruit, you get fruit season after season after season. So when you invest in yourself, it's a gift that keeps giving because who you become will help you then get the next thing that you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
and the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing after that. It's why the initial investment in you is exponential. You become the kind of person who can create and sustain any of the results that you want going into the future, whether that's a thriving business, a strong body, or a fulfilling relationship.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
This is something that will pay you back the rest of your life because once you become that new improved version of yourself, you get to keep being him or her forever. Growing my business required growing myself in ways that I didn't even know I needed to grow. Once I did that work, not only did my business completely blow up, the other areas of my life got that much better.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Just operating in the world with an expanded mindset has been the greatest gift of all for me. Who I had to become in order to create this multiple eight-figure company and run a highly functioning global team is a long way away from the Hillary that I was when I went to my cute little private practice office and A few times a week, seeing one person at a time. The army says it the best.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Be all you can be. I love that slogan. I wish that it was mine. You have one life. One. What are you going to do with it? Sometimes the hardest part can actually just be not knowing what you want. And my husband and I are working on this right now as we're starting to plan for what's next for us. Our kids are getting older. My oldest is gonna go to college next year.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And then we have a freshman in high school who will soon follow. We are literally thinking about where we wanna be and how we want to live and what we wanna do. And the possibilities are endless. It can be hard to narrow it down. Or sometimes for some people, it's hard to imagine something that you've never even had. So it doesn't even occur to you that you can have it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So I'm gonna give you a few questions to ask yourself to help you get really clear about what it is that you want next. So number one, ask yourself, how do I want to feel? Start with your emotions. Do you want to feel confident, fulfilled, free, happy, calm, worthy, capable? So for example, if I want to feel relaxed in the next season of our life, we will plan one kind of life, maybe by the water,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
So while this happens all year long, it's especially timely right now as we're heading into the new year because it's the time when so many of us start thinking about what we want for ourselves in the coming year. We're filled with the potential of endless possibilities and have all the best intentions, but resolutions often fade by the end of January. Everybody knows that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
with a slow-paced, easy-breezy lifestyle. But if we want excitement, we're gonna plan international travel or live abroad, something else entirely. So make sense why you wanna figure out how you wanna feel. Next, ask yourself, when was the last time I felt that way? Think about what was happening or what you were doing when you last felt that feeling.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
What was it about that time that made you feel this way? And what other kinds of things might be able to make you feel this? So if it's not living by the water that might make me feel relaxed, what could it be? Pinpoint the experiences, activities, or the environments that bring out those feelings in you. Next, ask yourself this. If I could remove all obstacles, would I still want this?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Meaning, if we could wave the magic wand and you could just poof, have this thing, whatever it is that you want, without all the effort and the logistics, what would it be? Dream big here. Take money, time, and effort off the table. If it were easy, would you still want this? Now, here's the most critical question of all. Ask yourself, who do I need to become in order to make this happen?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
This is where the magic happens because the person who you are today has brought you to this point. But to get to your next level, you need to grow. You, you need to grow you. You need to evolve. And that's where investing in yourself comes in. The universe doesn't give us what we want. It gives us who we are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
And our external world is a mirror reflecting back to us the truth about who we are, where we are in our growth. It reflects back to us our own issues and our own state of being. If you want the next thing, if you want more, then you have to go first. You have to become the version of you who is capable of receiving more. My clients often refer to themselves as the old me and the new me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
They say all the time, Hillary, this thing happened to me today. And the old me would have reacted like this, but the new me did this instead. That is priceless. And that is what I just love about the work that I get to do. The confidence that you build, the skills that you learn, the mindset shifts that you make, don't just help you achieve this one goal. They help you
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
live the biggest life possible. They help you with the next goal and then the next one. And when you do this work on you, the impact of that is far reaching. It ripples out into every area of your life. So remember the self-centered way. puts us at the center of our universe. When you grow, you take this new you into your relationships, your health, your finances, into everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
If you're listening to this episode on Spotify or iTunes, I'm sharing a visual on the screen right now that you might want to check out. So come on over to YouTube and have a look. And if any of you who are watching or listening want to grab this graphic, As a reminder, we have it available for free on my website at hillarysilver.com forward slash guides.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
Deciding that you are going to become the kind of person who doesn't just dream, but who does is an identity shift. And that's why investing in yourself is the best gift that you can give, not just for the holidays, but for always. And not just someday when work slows down or after the new year. Now, the new you, your future self, is waiting for you on the other side. So thanks for listening.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why NOW Is Always the Perfect Time
We either never really get started or we start, but then things quickly fizzle out with our half-assed attempts or misdirected effort. And when we don't see progress, we lose interest or momentum pretty quickly. And then we just give up on ourselves. We become a bystander or a spectator. This is what I call sitting on the sidelines of life. sitting on the bench.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I've spent over 25 years inside the minds of high-achieving women. Women who've built the career, she's worked her ass off, checked every box, did everything right, and yet still feels like something's missing. It's the woman who looks like she has it all on the outside, but secretly wonders, why don't I feel happy? Why don't I feel fulfilled? What is wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's the constantly seeking and chasing and proving that has you overworked, underwhelmed, and forever striving, but never arriving. And if you don't break free, you will eventually burn out and you will wake up 10 years from now just as unfulfilled, but less time to do anything about it. So how do you stop the cycle? You stop chasing external success and you become self-centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Here's the truth you may not know. Much of the drive to achieve comes from a deep subconscious need to feel good enough. Early experiences and messaging taught you that achieving and winning or doing well means attention, praise, or love. And sadly even, when you fell short, sometimes it meant criticism.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
So you've built this wall of fame, as I call it, and your mantle of trophies, checking all the boxes that prove just how smart you are, how capable you are, how deserving you are. It is all the evidence that you've racked up that you are significant and deserving or good enough and worthy of being seen or even loved.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But no amount of money, accolades, success, or attention will ever be enough to fulfill you. And chasing after it only keeps it elusive because your worth and your enoughness has nothing to do with what you've achieved or anything else about what you've done. It is not contingent upon external sources. Your worth is inherent and inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But in all of that efforting, everyone else gets to stay comfortable, but not you. So your boss, your friends, your partner, your children, the community, Everyone else gets to stay comfortable, but not you. And the second you stop playing the game, some people will question you and even try to make you feel guilty for it. You say no and suddenly you're selfish.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
You stop overworking and suddenly you're not dedicated enough. You put yourself first and people just don't get it. Maybe they see you differently or start to think different things about you and pull away. Sound familiar? So you have two choices right now. keep playing by the rules that were never meant to serve you, or finally become the center of your own life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
You've been sold a version of success that was never designed to fulfill you. And today I'm showing you exactly how to break free and find more joy and satisfaction. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Since childhood, you've been conditioned to believe that success will make you happy. Accomplishments will give you confidence.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
That second choice, that's where your freedom is. And it all starts with being self-centered. Self-centered. not other-centered, self-centered. Can you feel that shift? Being self-centered is not selfish like we've all been conditioned to believe. It's not about taking from others at their expense. It's about prioritizing yourself so that you are fulfilled and whole and happy and healthy
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
and have something left to give. You are giving from an overflowing cup because right now you are running on empty. You're pouring from a cup that has nothing in it, hoping that nobody sees just how exhausted and depleted you are, and no one knows that you are privately struggling and hanging on by a thread. Who benefits from that? I guarantee you it is not you, my love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It is your boss and your colleagues and your friends and your family. They do. But when you become self-centered, everything shifts. The exhaustion lifts. The fulfillment you've finally been chasing for, it finally arrives. It just slowly fills you up from the inside. But where do you start? I'm going to share three actions that you can take right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
And the best place to start is actually with my free video training called This Changes Everything. And over the last two decades, I've helped thousands of women stop all the proving and seeking. So if you're ready for that, just click the link in the show notes or in the description to get immediate access if you're interested and you want to check it out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
So action number one to becoming self-centered and finally feeling full is to audit your life. No more lying to yourself. Look at every part of your life and ask yourself these three questions. Did I actually choose this? Does this still make sense for me? Am I relying on this to feel good about myself or do I authentically enjoy this? If the answer is no, Stop pretending.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Stop convincing yourself that you still want things that drain you. Stop keeping the commitments that don't serve you anymore. And stop waiting for permission to let things go. If it doesn't fit, it goes. Because if you don't clear the space, there will be no room for the life that you actually want. You have to clear it out and make room for what it is that you really want in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Action number two, redefine success on your terms. If your definition of success was handed to you by someone else, you will always feel unfulfilled. If you don't care about climbing the ladder, stop. If you want to take a year off and travel, do it. So what does success actually mean to you? If it means working less, playing more, feeling more alive, choose that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Because if the goal isn't yours, the happiness won't be either. And action number three, make self-centered decisions every single day. This means saying no when you mean no, not explaining yourself when no explanation is needed, not shrinking yourself to make other people comfortable. At first, people won't like it. So what? And I say, good. It's not meant for them to like it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's meant for you to like. And the people who actually really truly do love you will applaud this shift for you. And the others can just fall away. Let them just fall away. I call that cutting the fat, trimming the excess that isn't healthy for you and just keep the good stuff. The ones who benefit from all your self-sacrifice are aren't supposed to like the new self-centered you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But you know who will? You will. You will like her a lot. This is what it means to step into your power. It's time to choose you. Please do not fall into the trap of thinking, I'll be happy when. I'll be happy when I make more money. I'll be happy when I finally get the validation I deserve. I'll be happy when I reach the next level.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I'll finally feel good enough and can stop all the seeking and chasing when I get there. It's not out there, my friends. It's in here. It always has been. It's been with you all along. You just have to choose it. Stop waiting, stop chasing, and start being self-centered. It doesn't just change your life. It literally changes everything. Thanks for being here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
And when you get there, everything will feel right. So you did the work, you hit the goals, and you made it. But instead of fulfillment, the target just keeps moving. And every time you hit a new goal, there's always another one right behind it. You thought once you hit six figures or got the promotion or built the dream life, you'd finally feel fulfilled.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I appreciate it so much, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But instead, that target just moves further and further away. The more you achieve, the more you feel like you should be grateful and happy. But when you're not, you don't question the system, you question yourself. And it makes you feel even worse than you already do for not being grateful for what you have. This is not your fault.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's what I call the plight of the high achiever, running and running and running on the achievement treadmill. It's a never-ending cycle that keeps women running after that feeling. that you've arrived to a place where you can just finally rest and relax and feel deeply satisfied, that you are in fact good enough.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
So much of our suffering, stress, and anxiety comes from seeking certainty in a world with so much uncertainty. We try to control external circumstances and situations and all the things that we just cannot control ever, like what people think about us and what they do, to how things go at work with projects or clients.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
So you really want to get all of them. Today we are talking about perhaps my most favorite of all. I love a good paradox. The outcome is internal. So I'm going to share three very important things to know and then stick around it till the end because I have a very special bonus message that I want to share with you. So first,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
Anxiety, worry, fear, all those distressing emotions come when we feel the need for certainty and we don't have it. When things are left up in the air, when we don't have closure, when we're waiting to find out whether something will work out the way we want it to or not. We aren't in control and that is unsettling.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
Waiting to find out if you got the job, waiting for a business deal to come through, wanting to get the sale and it hasn't happened yet. We are invested in the outcome going our way, not just for the obvious reasons, but because what it means about us if it works out or if it doesn't. You get the job, you were chosen. You don't get the job, they didn't pick you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
What do you say to yourself about that? What is your automatic thought? Be honest. And when it's a relationship outcome, like someone liking you, wanting to be your friend or your lover, the stakes are especially high because that is so deeply personal. It's very vulnerable. So again, it's all because of what we make it mean. If they approve, you are good enough. If they don't, you are not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
And we measure our success only when things go our way, when we get the outcome that we want or when we win. There's a lot of fear when we put our peace of mind, well-being, and even self-worth in the hands of fate. And we give our power away when we depend on other people liking us or doing what we want them to do or when we get that one tangible result we so eagerly desire.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
You weren't good enough. You're not lovable, likable, funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough, enough. We unconsciously give over our worth to others. Our very worthiness is on the line. So it makes perfect sense in all of these life situations that why we are driven to control the outcome.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
Our outer world depends on things going our way, but so much of our inner world does too, which leads me to the next important truth. We may think we can control the outcome by working harder, pushing for it, bending over backwards, worrying about it, ruminating about it, obsessing,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
But the cold, hard truth is that none of that actually works because we can't control any of it, no matter how hard we try or how much we would like it to be true. And I know you know this, but sometimes we just have to be reminded nearly everything in life is out of our control. We cannot control what other people think, feel, or do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
We cannot control any of those external circumstances or situations, from the things in our individual lives, to broader issues like politics and the economy. And if we only feel safety, security, calm, happy, enough, when those external situations or circumstances go our way, we will spend a lot of our life not just uncomfortable, but suffering. So third, here is the radical shift.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
What if you knew you would be okay no matter the outcome? What if you knew that no matter what happens out there in the outer world, out there in the future, you will always be okay no matter what? And not just okay. What if you knew you could win no matter what? That you will always come out on top.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
that you will always benefit from every situation, that everything always works out in your favor. How would knowing that completely change your life? This self-centered approach and this core concept specifically provides you that guarantee. Yes, it's true. It is a guarantee. It is a certainty. That is why it is so powerful. In an uncertain world, you give yourself certainty always.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
In a life where nothing is guaranteed, you provide yourself that guarantee. And in doing that, you claim sovereignty, personal power, and autonomy. You give yourself the certainty. comfort and closure you seek always. You do this by adopting this very core concept, that the outcome you actually seek is internal, okay? The outcome is internal. So what are we focusing on instead? You, of course.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
If your focus is not on what happens out there, but rather here inside of you, then you know that the win is inevitable because you have 100% control of that every single time. If your worth is internal, and it is, then it's unwavering. It's constant and doesn't come and go with people who go in and out of your life. It doesn't depend on what other people think or feel or do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
If you know you will be able to handle any challenging situation that comes up in this life, even if it's uncomfortable for a while, even in the worst of cases it may be devastating for a while, if you know that eventually you will be okay, You can trust yourself to get through it, manage it, deal with it. Then you have certainty no matter what happens. You don't need things to work out always.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
You don't need things to go as planned. You want them to, of course, but you don't need them to. to have certainty because you know, even if it doesn't, you will be okay. And this changes everything. When you measure your success, not by how people respond to you, but how you handled yourself, that is powerful. Let's say you decided to have a much needed conversation with someone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
So today I'm sharing the fifth core concept of the self-centered model. The outcome is internal. It's a radical shift in how you operate in the world, and it doesn't just change your life, it changes everything. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
one that could potentially be a little touchy or even emotionally scary, like asking for what you need or sharing your feelings. If you're only willing to have those conversations, if you know it will go how you want it to, you may not speak up. You may bite your tongue and not express yourself. But using this core concept,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
If you measure the success not by what this person does with your words or how they respond to you or what happens with this relationship, but that you showed up for yourself, that you were brave enough and willing to have the conversation at all and brought it up. Maybe it was a conversation you needed to have and you were the brave one who brought it up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
that you set a limit and got your own back, and that you were honest and vulnerable and expressed yourself, that you were your best self and really took care of yourself, if that is the win, then it doesn't matter at all what this other person does. Does it?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
Releasing the outcome of what they do and you know that you control who you are and how you are in this conversation, you get to walk away already knowing you've won. You've already won before you've even started. You already have the outcome that you desire. Anything that comes after that is actually just the cherry on top.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
And moreover, when you have a mindset and an orientation in this life, that even when the external outcome doesn't go your way, there's still always something to be gained, that there's a lesson or a blessing or an insight in nearly every experience, if you're willing to see it, that you will have learned something.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
grown in some way, that you may not have known you even needed to grow, that there is something better for you around the corner, that it all works out for you even in some way that you might not yet understand, you will always have that sense of certainty. So imagine you're applying for your dream job.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
If you define success by whether you get the role, you're placing all of your power in the hands of a hiring committee. But if success means that you prepared thoroughly, communicated your value, and left the interview proud of your effort, then you've already won no matter the outcome. Make sense?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
And believing that whatever does happen with this job, it's all meant to work out as it should for your benefit. You can relax and trust and have faith in everything working out in your favor. So the paradox is that the outcome you seek is not actually out there at all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
The focus is on what is inside, internal, how you feel, how you manage yourself, how you conduct yourself, how you show up for yourself, how you interpret events, what you choose to believe about the things that happen to you. Your worth is inside of you, so you can lean back and stop chasing after it or proving it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
You can let go of trying to control what others do because it doesn't really matter. It means nothing about you. What happens and whatever they do is of no consequence to you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
I know you may be feeling resistant or anxious when I say to let go of what you really want because you may think that by letting go of what you want, releasing it, surrendering it, not chasing it, it will drift further away. But that isn't how it works. Think about a wet bar of soap. If you grab for it frantically, it just keeps slipping right out of your hands, just pops right out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
It remains elusive despite your frantic attempts and grasping at it. Speeding up to get to your destination quicker backfires because you end up getting a speeding ticket and now you're even later than you would have been. Slow down to get there faster. That is the great paradox. Letting go, surrendering,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
releasing all of your grasping at or needing for the external outcome to be a certain way, not only gives you peace of mind, it gives you the ultimate power in your life because the outcome that you really actually need isn't out there at all. It's in here. inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
That's why it's so powerful because you don't need anyone or anything to go a certain way for you to be happy, fulfilled, and content. So here's the bonus special message. It's funny how it works, but when you let go of the external outcome and simply focus on you, being your best self, your self-centered self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
When you operate this way in life, you often end up getting even more than you originally desired, more than you could have ever imagined possible. This happens because your energy is in alignment with what you desire. You're in a state of faith rather than fear, belief over anxiety, attracting rather than chasing, and love rather than resentment. you're leaning back rather than chasing forward.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
This is the ultimate paradox, letting go of the outcome so much that you actually get it. I just love this one so much. As we wrap up this series on the five core concepts of the self-centered model, I want to leave you with a challenge. Shift your focus inward. See how reminding yourself of the real outcome you desire is internal and notice how it changes everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
Thank you for joining me in this series and for allowing me to share these transformative ideas with you. If you missed any of the previous episodes, I encourage you to go back and take it all in because together these concepts are life-changing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
And if you're ready to dive deeper into creating a life that feels aligned, intentional, and totally true to you, check out my free mini training, This Changes Everything. The link is in the show notes and in the comments pinned at the top. Until next time, stay centered in yourself. And remember, you already have everything you need.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move
This is the final episode of our five-part series, the five core concepts of the self-centered model. So far, we've covered one, you're always the problem and the solution in your life. Two, the world does revolve around you. Three, in your life, you come first and you go first. And four, identity is a choice. If you because all of these concepts build on each other and they work together.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Invisible woman syndrome. Have you heard of it? It's an actual phenomena, but only because women have bought into the idea that we become invisible as we age, that we lose our allure, our feminine mystique. We aren't as beautiful anymore, that we lose our appeal, and therefore we're overlooked. We don't matter. We're insignificant out in the public, out in the world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
And again, I've honestly never felt more powerful, sexier, or more confident. And at 50, I really believe we are only just getting started. So here are my truths. Again, what I hold to be true that has me turning heads when I walk into any room. I want to make it very clear though, this is not about turning heads because we need the attention. We need the validation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
We're talking about not losing our impact, our power, our significance, our beauty, our meaning as we age. This is about not being invisible as we age, but maintaining the ability to have an impact. Okay, so first, turning heads is not about what other people think of you. It's about what you think of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
When you walk into any room, if you're worried about or wondering about what everyone is thinking, that is a problem. You can't control what other people think and you'll never know anyway. So just focus on what you think. What you think is all that matters because people take their cues from you. If you feel insecure or
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
or self-conscious, or nervous, or anxious, they will feel that oozing from you. If you feel invisible, like no one will notice you, they won't. But if you walk in there like you own the room, like I'm here now, the party can get started, that kind of mindset, that is what they will experience coming off of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Because you're not concerned with what other people are thinking, you can just know that you're going to turn heads, but then act like no one's looking at you. You're just free to sing or strut or dance or skip, even if it's just in your own mind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
You can just go about your business, mind your own business, and do whatever you're meant to do in that room, unconcerned with anyone else but yourself, but know that you are noticed. If you do have a fleeting thought about what they are thinking, just assume that they are thinking, wow, look at her. You are turning heads in the best possible way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
And I'm just here to tell you that is total bullshit. I am 52 and I am more confident, more powerful, more magnetic and sexier than I've ever been my entire life. So today I'm going to share with you my truths, what I hold to be true that has me turning heads when I walk into any room and how you can do it too. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Next, one of the best parts of getting older, for me personally at least, is that I am more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. At 52, I know who I am and I fully accept myself, the flaws, the quirks, and all. I know my worth and my value, which comes from within. It's inside of me, not from external sources. It's not coming from my achievements or
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
or my accomplishments, or what I can do for people. And I have an unconditional love for myself, meaning I don't withdraw my own positive regard for myself even when I mess up or have not been my best self. I don't face my own recrimination, and I've replaced any lingering self-loathing with just pure self-loving.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
So I'm kinder and gentler with myself than ever before, more forgiving, have more self-compassion, and there is peace and calm to this energy rather than a needy energy that comes from wanting to be liked or accepted or to fit in or to get approval or to get validation from external sources. This is a leaning back sensation and this energy is alluring.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
You'll never turn heads if deep down you don't believe you are worthy of being seen, admired, and desired. I've gotten to the place where I know I am worthy of being seen and admired, not just for what I've done in my life, but simply for who I am. So when I walk into a room, I'm free to just let the connection happen and And it does.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
This leads me to the next one, which is that people are drawn to realness and older women have the advantage here that younger women do not. Our hard earned wisdom and experience means that we can give ourselves and others too a bit more grace. So it's easier than ever before at this age to just drop all the self-protection, the armor, the walls, the barriers, and and let it all hang out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
We have nothing to prove and nothing to hide. There is no need to be anyone other than who I am and offering my complete authenticity and transparency is stunning. It's actually disarming and very magnetic and attractive. It's a gift that we offer to the world and to those around us. The gift of sharing who we are, sharing ourselves completely, transparently, without holding back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
It's vulnerable and powerful and sexy and radiant, and it's just one of our superpowers as women if we allow it and if we cultivate it. The energy around us is a direct reflection of what is going on inside of us. Let's talk about the external for just a minute. And we don't want your physical being to be a barrier for connection.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
And so it really is up to all of us to make ourselves a priority and treat our bodies like they matter because it does. And how we care for ourselves physically is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. So are you taking care of yourself physically? Do you exercise? Do you eat healthy? Do you wear clothes that make you feel fabulous and that you look forward to putting on?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Is your style an expression of you? How we treat ourselves, consider ourselves, prioritize ourselves, and take care of ourselves, again, says a lot about how we feel about ourselves on the inside. I prioritize myself and I make time for myself. And as you've heard me say before, I work out every day. I move my body every day and make time for that every day because I want to care for my body.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
I also don't skimp on myself. I buy nice things for myself. And this isn't about a hefty price tag. It's really about what you think is nice and knowing that you deserve this thing, not putting your wants last on the list. So do you look the part on the outside? Because if you don't feel comfortable or confident in your appearance, you will not walk into a room wanting the attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
You will want to be invisible. Okay? So yes, external does matter. Both are important and one without the other just isn't nearly as impactful. Finally, your presence matters. You can be in a room, but not fully present. Now, this is more than just body language, meaning it's not just how you carry yourself. It's the intention that you carry within yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
I walk into the room fully present and in the moment, intentional about how I'm moving and the impact that I want to make in this room. So if you're stressed out about your tight deadlines, worried about your kids, or just thinking about the dinner you had with friends last night, you're not here right now. You're not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
You're somewhere else in your head, which then means that you walk in the room without presence. You might have your shoulders slouched or your eyes downcast. No one's going to notice you. And then you're not able to intentionally have the presence and the impact that you want to have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
So before you walk in that room, get yourself to the highest vibrational state that you can and know that your presence in that room matters. It is important and you will add value to all who are there. Walk in that room, in your body, in the moment with your shoulders back and your head high, looking at people in the eye and be quick to smile. Acknowledge people.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Don't look down, don't look away, and don't look past them. You are powerful and have the ability to impact how people feel if only for a second. That is is powerful. And that is what draws people to you. That is what turns heads. Intend to shine bright and spread your positivity. This is about owning your presence and moving through life with intention.
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Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Every step I take is filled with the energy of I'm here. The party can start. Like I said, I belong here. And it's a little delusional, but the mindset is kind of like you're blessing them with your presence, like a queen anointing a knight. You have the power bestowed within you to spread positivity to all. I know it might sound silly, but it really is. a powerful energetic presence.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Turning heads when you walk into a room isn't about needing attention, needing validation, and it's not about impressing others. It's about owning your space, loving who you are, embodying confidence. It's a decision to stop playing small and to embrace your power no matter your age and knowing, in fact, As you age, it just gets better. Thanks for tuning in.
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Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
And remember, the link to the daily journal and the free video training is in the comments pinned to the top, and it's also in the show notes. I'll see you next time.
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Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
Now that I'm in my 50s, I feel like I'm standing on the top of a hill above tree line where the clouds have parted and I can finally see clearly. And what I know to be true is this. Women do not have to feel or become invisible as we age. That old adage about being over the hill is so 1950s. We are not in our prime yet. in our 20s and 30s. In fact, we're only just babies in those decades of life.
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Screw Invisible Woman Syndrome. How To Turn Heads Over 50
We're trying to figure it all out and we're feeling pressure and working so hard to do it all and do it well. But at 52, for me, all of that is gone. It's fallen away like armor that I no longer need. I is the real raw naked me that was underneath, like leaving my turtle shell behind. I no longer need to hide or be anything other than who I am.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
This may sound crazy, but everything you've been told about how to free yourself from anxiety is probably making it worse. That's because all of the mainstream advice is focused on treating the uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety, such as get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly, count backwards from five, take meds, and my favorite, meditate.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You're lying there exhausted and you just want to sleep so badly, especially so that you can function the next day. But your brain decides this is the perfect time to think about all the things you've been avoiding or too busy to think about during the day. What if this happens? What if that happens? Why did you do that? Why didn't you do that?
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Maybe you should do this thing instead or that thing instead. For me... This is the moment that my inner critic would strike, because of course she would. My defenses are down. I swear it's the worst to start beating up on myself for not doing better or not knowing better. It's hard to make it stop in those moments, like almost impossible. It's like torture.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
And in those deep, dark, soul-of-the-night moments... What made it worse for me is how isolating it would feel. It's like the loneliest night on earth when it seems like everyone else in the world is sound asleep and you're the only one up, worrying and stressing and feeling stuck, unable to do anything about it because it's 2 a.m.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
I have felt in those moments like I needed a lifeline, someone or something to pull me out of that mental quicksand. It's no surprise that anxiety is the leading cause of insomnia. So yes, it is worth addressing the symptoms of anxiety because it's very uncomfortable and inconvenient.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
However, if that is all that you are doing to deal with anxiety, there will be plenty more sleepless nights and all the other symptoms that you have to live with that just keep you from living your highest quality of life. As I said earlier, and what no one else is really saying is that as problematic as anxiety is, It is not the real problem. It is itself a symptom.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It's the symptom of a much deeper issue that is being ignored, denied, and repressed. I call it a secondary problem, not the primary problem. It's a secondary emotion, not the primary emotion. And then the secondary problem becomes the focus of all your attention because it's easier to deal with, interestingly enough.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
because it's nearly impossible to meditate when you have anxiety and your brain is like a runaway train. Here's the thing. Symptom control does not cure anxiety, and it will only keep you stuck dealing with it for the rest of your life.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It becomes a distraction from the deeper issue that is more profound and perhaps more challenging to actually deal with. There are a lot of other similar secondary problems like weight problems or alcohol problems. that hijack your attention so you focus on it rather than what is causing the problem in the first place, the primary problem.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Anxiety is like your warning indicator light going off, alarm bells going off. And what it is, it's your deep self, your deep, self, and your body's way to get your attention. It's screaming at you to listen and pay attention. It says, hello, something is going on. I need you. Help me. Hey, you, you're not dealing with this.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
So I'm going to make you really uncomfortable until you deal with this real problem that we have right now. And until the primary problem is dealt with, Anxiety will just never, ever go away. So what is the primary problem you're wondering?
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
What I've come to know, like really truly know to be true because I've experienced this for myself and in witnessing the transformation for my clients over the last 25 years is this. Anxiety is caused by one thing and one thing only. Your unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with yourself.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Likely you have spent years betraying yourself, dismissing yourself, neglecting and abandoning yourself, not listening to yourself, not being your true self in this world, and not doing what you need to do to get your own back and make yourself a priority. You've ignored your own feelings,
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
disregarded your intuition, doubted yourself, haven't given yourself the well-deserved credit for all that you are, who you are, and what you are capable of. Let that sink in for just a moment. And let me ask you this, how can you actually trust yourself when you've betrayed yourself like this over and over again?
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
But here's the good news in all of this and how we are going to eliminate your anxiety forever. If you've been tuning into my podcast and my videos, then you've heard me say this a lot. You are the problem here. Yes, you. And that also means that you are also the solution and have the power to solve this for yourself right now. Right here and right now, it is literally a decision.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
The restlessness, agitation, being distracted, feeling uneasy, this discomfort that you have, this dis-ease in your body, and living with a chronic low-grade hum in the background, or worse, full-on panic attacks. And in my opinion, that is just no way to live. So here is what no one else is actually saying. The truth is that anxiety is in itself a symptom.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
you can decide to change this relationship that you have with yourself and develop a rock solid, unconditional, unshakable relationship with yourself, which is to know that no matter what happens in this life, you can trust yourself to handle it. You can rely on yourself to do what is required and whatever it takes to keep you safe and protected.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You give yourself the certainty you need, the safety you need. You guarantee yourself that your needs will be met, your values will be honored, and your boundaries will be respected. All of that is up to you, by the way, and no one else, which is how you know it will be done because you are in control of this. It's not up to anyone else.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You provide yourself all the certainty you would ever need to be reassured that and relaxed and calm. There's no need to worry about all the possible future scenarios when you know that whatever comes your way, you've got this and you'll handle it and you'll always do what is best for you, even if it's the hard thing or the unpopular thing.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
and even if it just means getting the right help for yourself. So in situations where you're presented with something you've never done before, you may feel a bit anxious, unsure, and uneasy, but those moments don't become anxiety because it's your cue to reconnect with yourself and remember, just who the fuck you are.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Those sleepless nights would happen when worrying about my kids and how I parented or with my business when the stakes were high. But the lowest common denominator really was that I was unsure of myself more than anything. But now I remember who I am
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
that even though I may not have done this thing before, or I don't have all the answers, or I may not get it exactly right, in the end, I will be okay no matter what, because I've got me. When you can lean back and rest assured everything will be okay because you've got you, you will be okay. You are the hero that you need to swoop in and save the day.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
What if you could feel that way about yourself? What if your inner critic would shut the hell up and all you ever heard in that pretty little head of yours is this, you've got this, it'll all be okay. I'll be okay no matter what happens. How life-changing would that be? When you have those situations that provoke you and you feel anxious even just for a moment,
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Know that this is information for you. Rather than push it down, turn away from it, suppress it, avoid it, eat the feelings, drink the feelings, shop the feelings, or busy them away, anxiety is the repression of all of that. Instead, turn towards the anxiety with curiosity and ask yourself, what is it about this situation that makes me feel like I can't handle it?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
That is one of the most powerful questions you can ever ask yourself. Ask yourself, what am I avoiding right now? What is this that I'm feeling that I really don't want to feel? What is my anxiety trying to tell me? Remember, anxiety is your warning indicator light going off. If an indicator light was going off in your car, you wouldn't just ignore it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You would actually look at your manual and figure out what's the problem. Why do we do this to ourselves? The antidote here, the way to get rid of anxiety forever is to use your anxiety as a warning indicator light. It's your cue to check in with yourself, listen to yourself, and ask yourself all of those questions. Trust yourself and remind yourself who you are. It's a vow.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It's a promise and a declaration. I've got this. I'll be okay no matter what. So do the work to repair this relationship that you have with yourself and this relationship that has endured so much betrayal and conditional love. This is what will free you from anxiety forever. I promise, change the relationship that you have with yourself because when you do so, it doesn't just change your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It is a symptom of a much bigger and deeper problem. And until you start addressing what causes anxiety in the first place, it will never go away. And you'll never really be able to solve such a solvable problem. So I'm going to do that for you in the next seven minutes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It changes everything. If you enjoyed this conversation, you will really like the five core concepts of the self-centered movement, which are episodes 39 to 43. I will put the link in the show notes and on YouTube. It's the playlist called Start Here. As always, I appreciate you being here more than you'll ever know, and I hope to see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
I know that sounds like a bold statement, but it's actually that simple because we're going to go to the root of what actually causes anxiety in the first place so you can solve it once and for all at the source. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
For me, anxiety would hit the hardest in the middle of the night because during the day, I can distract myself with work and family and life, but once my head hit that pillow and it was just me and my brain alone in the dark, it would be pretty bad. Maybe you know what I'm talking about.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
There's an exact science to getting what you want, and those who know about it are the highest performers among us. Athletes, Olympians, millionaires, winners. Those who break through seemingly impossible barriers against all odds. It's not just that they're talented or even lucky. It's so much more than that.
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It combines the power of visualization and the law of attraction, the law of assumption, radical gratitude, and more. I will put the link in the Even though we covered a lot today, it's very simple and practical and you can do it. Try it on, see how it feels. You literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So let me know how it goes. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
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And once you understand these laws and integrate them into your way of life, you can tap into this omnipotent power, an endless, and eternal source of creation that exists for our benefit. And you will see into creation all that you desire. And if you ignore it, wah, wah, you will miss out. Too bad, so sad for you. And I just don't want that for you.
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I know firsthand how this works because I've been able to attract more wealth, opportunity, and success in the last seven years than I ever imagined possible. And I've witnessed my clients doing the same using my manifesting methods. Let's start with a simple explanation of how manifesting works.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And then I'm going to get into my zone of genius, which is where neuroscience and manifesting meet and explain how our brains are the generator of all of this. And and that by changing your brain, you can start getting more of what you want. So let's begin with the basic understanding of just two of the 12 universal laws.
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The law of vibration states that everything in the universe is in constant motion. Nothing ever stands still. You may remember that we learned this in physics class in high school. That is, if you weren't doodling I Heart Steve on your notebook. Everything is made of cells, which is made of atoms and molecules, right? Even physical objects.
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The speed or rate at which something vibrates is referred to as its frequency. You can think of this frequency as vibrational energy and everything has its own specific energy frequency. So physical objects, obviously, will have the lowest frequency as they don't move. And when something vibrates so fast, we can actually hear it, right?
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It's the super cool science that I'm talking about today, and it's available to all of us. But so many people dismiss the entire concept of manifesting because they don't understand it. They call it new age, hippy dippy bullshit. And that means they are missing out on an entire realm of possibility in this life. But I am not going to let you miss out, my friends.
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Think hummingbirds or all the annoying drones that we've been listening to and hearing lately. We, each of us, vibrate at a certain frequency too. When we are at a low level of vibration, it's because of who and how we are in that moment. It's our state of being. Make sense? Imagine being physically sick or depressed. You're in bed, not moving. That is low frequency.
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versus being high on life and you're at a concert dancing your ass off, being super active. That is high frequency. And not all of this is about physical movement. It's our mental and our emotional state too that contributes. You don't have to be physically in motion to be vibrating at a high level.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
They do often go hand in hand, but it's not always connected because you can sit in quiet meditation and and vibrate at a high frequency because of your state, the state that we just talked about. So essentially, our thoughts, emotions, and our state of being send out vibrations into the universe. Our being, our identity, who we are at any given moment creates our vibration.
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Every thought leads to our mental and emotional state, and that has a corresponding rate and frequency of vibration. High energy particles are naturally attuned to other high energy particles. And the same is true for those that have low energy. We must match our vibration with that of what we want. That is what is meant by becoming an energetic match for what you want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Maybe you've heard that phrase. All of this shifts the focus away from what we are doing every day and comes back to how we are being, which you know that I love to talk about. The law of attraction is the law of vibration in action. In order to have the things that you desire in life, you have to work out how to vibrate on the same frequency as the things you want, because like attracts like.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And what we experience in our lives is a mirror, an honest and unforgiving mirror most of the time, reflecting back to us who we are, our self-worth, our beliefs, our mindset, and our energy. So everything is always either being pushed away or pulled towards something. Items of a similar vibration are attracted to each other.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So if you want to attract all the amazing good things that you desire into your life, then you must vibrate at a higher frequency. If you are at a low vibration, then you will not be able to receive those things that you want, whatever it is. And you will attract low vibe people later. experiences, and situations into your life. And we want high vibes, right?
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So now that we're vibing high, let's talk about the universal connection. That's what I call it. There are five fundamental truths that I want to share with you. First, whether you call it God, spirit, universe, whatever you want to call it, There is an infinite wisdom that exists, and it's an all-knowing, omnipotent energy source, a divine presence. This does exist.
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Second, this wisdom source, the universe, is connected to you, to me, and to each of us, whether we like it or not. And it's always present, and it's always listening to you. It hears what you think and say, and it understands how you feel. It's aware always of of what is going on with you even when you're not sure of what's going on with you. It's like intercepting messages from you.
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let's take manifesting mainstream today. Let's make it accessible and easy to understand because it's not woo-woo. This shit is real and it works. Even if you already know some things about manifesting, keep listening because I'm sharing an easy way to see how it works, why it works, and the actual steps that you can take to start attracting more of what you want and less of what you don't.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So what this means is that there is a direct line between you and the universe, all of you, your subconscious and all. Third, the universe wants you to have what you want. The universe provides, but here's the thing. It cannot discern or distinguish between the thoughts that you are having about what you do want and what you do not want. It just delivers whatever you are focusing on.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So if you focus on not having the bad thing happen or not getting the thing that you want or you're worrying about it, the universe simply gets the message of this thing that you are obsessing about and will send it, even if it's the thing that you don't want. And if you are sending the message that you want something, and it's clear what you want, that's great. You can get it.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
But if you're in a low vibrational state of being, you will not get it. You will repel it from coming to you. You won't be able to receive it. This is why we talked about energy at the beginning. You have to be clear what you want, Focus on what you want and be an energetic match to receive it. Fourth, we are all always in a constant state of thought.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Conscious thought, what we are aware of thinking, and subconscious thought, that which we aren't aware of thinking. But did you know that 95% of all the thinking that we do is subconscious? Yep, it's true. What we think all the time does two things. It creates our emotional state and our energetic vibrational level.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And it means that you're always sending messages to the omnipotent power of the universe, whether you realize it or not, which is why we are talking about this today so that you can learn to be more intentional about what you are saying to influence the universe in the ways that you desire intentionally. So what messages are you sending to the universe? Think about it.
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Your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings, your energy and vibe. So based on what I've shared so far, are you someone who is going to get what you want to attract it into your life or Or are you repelling it, even subconsciously? Perhaps you're sending mixed messages where you think about what you want. You wish for it. You pray for it. You dream about it. You obsess about it.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You make vision boards and light candles. But subconsciously, unbeknownst to you, deep down, you are afraid of it. You don't feel worthy of it. You don't really believe it's possible for you. And if you're stuck in low vibe energy,
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
fearful comparing yourself to others feeling like you don't measure up or have what it takes and you're fucking mad about it if you don't feel worthy of this thing that you want you're scared of receiving it you can't imagine it or visualize it you are sending mixed messages and this is what i call ambivalence where you want the thing and you don't at the same time you want the thing but you really don't feel that you're ready for it the universe cannot discern
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So no matter how badly you want it, it just won't happen. This is when you are blocking the things that you want in your life. So what can we do about this? This is where it gets interesting and even better. This is the place where neuroscience and the laws of the universe meet, the point of intersection.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Which brings me to my last point, and then I'm going to leave you with five practical takeaways to help you get started. So the fifth universal truth. You get to decide what you think and feel and believe. Yes, you have the ability to shift your state of being whenever you want.
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You can train your brain to think new thoughts, to think the thoughts that you want to think, the thoughts that will put you in an elevated emotional state and a higher vibrational frequency. And to make your subconscious conscious, making the covert overt. So you are fully aware of yourself and you don't accidentally, inadvertently block what it is that you really want.
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So here are five ways to start getting more of what you want and less of what you don't. You asked and I listened. You want more resources to start applying my advice. So I created three programs to help you level up the most important areas of your life. Self-devoted to master health, fitness, and self-care. Self-satisfied to create the relationships you want in your life.
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Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
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And self-made to transform your money mindset and build wealth. If you choose all three of my self-centered programs with the bundle option... I'll bonus you the Daily Journal, which is the most effective tool for creating true transformation in your life. Visit my website at hillarysilver.com forward slash shop to check them out.
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First, notice your energy and your emotional state throughout the day. If you're so busy and on autopilot that you have trouble connecting with yourself and noticing and tuning in, you can set an alarm on your phone, or you can make it a habit to check in anytime that you eat something. Pair the check-in with something that you periodically are already doing throughout the day.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
The goal is to be more aware of yourself and just remind yourself to be high vibe. Catch yourself being low vibe. I can just feel myself when I'm being grumpy or I'm ruminating on something. I'm aware of it. And I can decide in that moment if I want to continue being that way or if I'm going to shift. It is a choice.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
What I do is I speak the words of the emotions that I want to feel instead, and it almost immediately puts me in that state It's like a cue to remind me of how I want to feel, who I want to be, and I can decide in that moment to shift out of the low vibe state and into a high vibe state. So I say things to myself like high vibe or abundance, open, loving, accepting, and peaceful.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You can select the feelings that you want to feel and notice how it reminds you of the choice that you have. You can stay where you are or shift. It is definitely a decision that you get to make in those moments. Next, pay attention to your thought habits. These are your automatic thoughts that you have. They are embedded in you. And if you are defaulting to pessimism,
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judgment, negativity, actively work on changing your automatic default reactions and thoughts. Our brains are meant to evolve and expand and grow. It's called neuroplasticity. You can teach your brain to think new things. How cool is that? I'm going to put the link to some of my previous episodes on how to change the way you think in the show notes so you can go back and reference some of those.
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When you recondition yourself to think new things, you naturally elevate your energy and your vibrational level and it becomes your new emotional home. It's a higher default set point. You can train yourself to be more optimistic, positive, fearless, open, accepting, and to expect the good. Third,
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Because the universe cannot distinguish between what you want and what you don't, you have to focus only on what you do want and make sure that you are not thinking about it in terms of what you don't want. Meaning, what you want is not the absence of what you don't want. For example, if you're dating...
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You definitely don't want to be out there on the apps or in real life worried about all the bad things that can happen. You don't want to be out there looking for the red flags because guess what? You're going to find them. They will come to you. If you're so worried about somebody being a scammer or not being healthy or not being good, that is what you're going to get.
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And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Like all of science, there are specific laws that govern the process of manifestation. And just like the law of gravity, we don't see it, but we experience the effects of it, don't we? It's time to accept it and leverage its powers because it is real.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So rather than worrying about that and focusing on that, you're going to only focus on these amazing people who are coming into your life and oh my gosh, there's so many wonderful people in the world. I'm so excited to meet everybody. That's the mindset. It's focusing on what you want, not in the absence of what you don't want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Notice when you are ruminating or what if-ing about things not being what you want, and instead focus entirely on the outcome you do want. Fourth, Be grateful for what you want as if you already have it. This is the law of assumption, assuming that what you want is already yours.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Fifth, it can be hard to imagine living the life that you will have when you have that thing that you want in the future, a healthy, loving relationship if you've not had one before, hitting your goal weight and keeping it off forever, or total financial freedom. So the tool for this, to help train your brain is visualization. It teaches your brain to expect that what you want will happen.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
It allows you to feel and experience now what it will be like when you have the thing that you want so that it becomes your new normal. It makes it normal for your brain to live this new future state. Visualization is one of the best and most effective tools for growing your brain and manifesting what you desire.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
If you really want to become a magnet for all the things that you want and have more structure and guidance on the work that you need to do specifically, I really encourage you to sign up for the Daily Journal. It's the best tool for helping you manifest anything you want. It's the method that I created to literally rewire the brain. It's neuroscience meets manifesting practices.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
I've been counseling and coaching high-functioning men and women for 25 years. That means that I've spent thousands of hours in deeply raw, honest conversations, and I've heard it all, things that people do not dare to share with anyone in their real life. the fears, the insecurities, the shame, and yes, the regrets. We talk a lot about the regrets people have when they're dying.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
It's not saying the thing or not doing the thing, not sticking up for yourself, standing up for yourself, speaking up for yourself. To set the record straight, to protect yourself and defend yourself and get your own back. Not because you didn't care, but because you froze. You didn't know what to say in those moments, or you didn't know what to do or how to handle it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
Or maybe you didn't feel strong enough to say it or do it. You doubted yourself instead of trusting yourself, and you gave them the benefit of the doubt. You avoided conflict. You made excuses for their behavior, turned the other cheek, or were the bigger person. In these instances, the hardest part isn't what they did. It's what you didn't do for yourself. That is the biggest regret.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
You weren't there for yourself when you needed you the most. That is abandonment of the worst kind because you did it to yourself. And it's what makes this the most regrettable. The second way that we self-abandon is when we leave ourselves behind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And what I mean by this is when you care so much about what other people think, you want to be liked, accepted, validated, or to belong, that you shapeshift, as I call it, which is editing, altering, or filtering yourself to be who you think you need to be to gain approval, to be palatable, or agreeable. And in doing that, you abandon your true self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
It's like you leave her standing there all alone, silenced, dismissed, ignored, neglected, not seen or represented. These are daily acts of self abandonment. It's quiet, it's invisible, but the toll is heavy because it adds up. Over time, It costs you the ability to trust yourself. It costs you your identity and your joy, not living in alignment and representing your true self in the world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And why this is so important to be talking about now, if this pattern of micro self-abandonment continues, it becomes the regret of the dying, which is, I didn't live a life that was true to myself. So you have an opportunity right now to right this wrong. Starting today, it begins by choosing yourself one small moment at a time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
But what I hear every single day are the regrets of the living, micro regrets that they carry every single day. The ones that slowly eat away at their peace, their confidence, and their self-worth. So today I'm sharing the four most common regrets that I hear daily so that you can catch them now in your own life and make any necessary adjustments to how you're living.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
The second most common regret I hear daily is, I regret how I showed up. I wasn't my best self. You were short-tempered, dismissive, snappy, judgmental, distracted. You missed the event. You skipped the bedtime story. You said something that you didn't mean. Not because you're a bad person, but because you were running on empty. You were overworked, overwhelmed, and overscheduled.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And you knew that saying yes to one more thing meant saying no to something else that really mattered. But you said yes anyway. So you were trying to be everything to everyone and lost the version of you that you actually want to be. I've been there, exhausted, depleted, trying to hold it all together and continuing to pile it on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And I just have deeply painful regrets for the times that I fell short, mostly around parenting for me personally. My ready for love clients say, I regret not being the model for my kids or for what I exposed my kids to in my poor choices. It is really hard to live that down. But here's the truth. You can't give what you don't have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
You can't be patient, present, or powerful when your tank is empty. And you can't do better until you know better. This regret is avoidable, but only if you stop glorifying burnout, living to achieve the next thing, overburdening yourself, and avoiding doing your own work. Instead, start protecting your energy like your life depends on it, because it does if you want to live regret-free.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
The third regret I hear every single day gives me chills. I knew... I knew it wasn't right and I did it anyway. Not trusting your intuition is excruciating because you knew at the time and you didn't listen to yourself. We've all had those moments. You felt it in your gut, in your chest, in your body, and you heard it, that deep inner voice that said, don't go. Something doesn't feel right.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
Don't make the move. Don't say yes to this. And yet you went forward anyway." Throwing caution to the wind because other people expected it. Because it was easier to go with the flow. Because you didn't want to disappoint anyone. Because you saw what you wanted to see rather than seeing what was actually right there in front of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
I've had women tell me that they knew on their wedding day they shouldn't go through with it. Everything was screaming, this is a mistake. But they didn't want to let their guests down or their family down. And they just didn't think they could do it. So that feeling... was ignored and dismissed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And over time, we learn we can't trust ourselves again because we saw the warning signs, the red flags, and went forward anyway to our own detriment or even to our own peril. So here's the thing. Your intuition is not random. If it smells like a fish, it is a fish. This is your inner wisdom. And the more you listen, the stronger it gets.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
You can practice paying more attention to yourself and you should because you're smart. And the fourth regret, I think most women have experienced this, is being way too hard on yourself for way too long. especially about your appearance. So raise your hand if you've ever looked back at a photo of yourself when you were in high school or in your 20s and you said, I was so pretty then.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
Why did I think I was ugly? Or I was so cute. What was I thinking? Why was I thinking I was fat? I was thin. Why was I fat? Or I was pretty. Why did I think I was so ugly? That. That regret is about not appreciating what we had when we had it. Looking back on all the time that we spent hating on ourselves, being hard on ourselves, when now we see how wrong we were about ourselves way back then.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
I have definitely experienced this and I have vowed to appreciate what I am now so that when I'm in my 60s and 70s and beyond, I can say I appreciated my youth and my beauty and my appearance and all that I am actually. This is about not wasting time picking on yourself, being your own worst critic and your own worst enemy, rather than being your own best friend.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
Because what we don't want is to get to the end of the line and look back with regret about how we lived our lives. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
Life is way too short to be so critical of ourselves and hard on ourselves. We must be kind and loving and accepting of all that we are now because it all changes so very fast and it can be gone in an instant. And we can avoid having the experience of being 10 years from now experiencing the same regret if we just knock it off right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
The truth is no one deserves to be treated that way, least of all by you. So here's the thing. I don't believe in regret. It's only useful temporarily to be a warning indicator light, to draw your attention to a lesson that you need to learn. You can course correct and make tiny adjustments now so that you don't live a life that's full of regret at the end. Self-forgiveness is critical.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
You cannot beat yourself up for decisions you made when you didn't know better or you hadn't healed all the way yet. That will keep you stuck. And the truth is, you did the best that you could at the time. But now you must commit to doing the growth work for yourself now. And when you can, make amends, take responsibility, apologize, even if it's to yourself. And simply do better going forward.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
That is the best that we can do. I promise you, your greatest regret can be your greatest catalyst if you look for the lesson and you allow it to guide you going forward. This is how you live a regret-free life. I hope this was helpful. Please share it with someone who needs to hear it. And make sure to subscribe for more episodes like this. See you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. So the first and most common regret I hear every day is all the many ways women have abandoned themselves. And there are two big ways that this happens. The first is allowing and tolerating.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)
They tolerated being dismissed by a partner, disrespected by a teacher, criticized by a friend, or misunderstood by an in-law. Instead of speaking up, you stayed silent. Instead of walking away, you stayed. You let it happen. You exposed yourself to being treated unfairly or worse.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Everyone says the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but for many people, especially women, it's the most stressful time of the year. And it can be more stressful than joyful. It's like you're carrying all the responsibility of making sure the magic happens on your shoulders.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
It's the planning, the organizing, the preparing, the remembering, the anticipating. Who needs to be where and when? What's for dinner? Did the dog get vaccinated?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And holiday time just compounds the list because all of the gift giving and the parties and the dinners and the decor and all the outfits, all the shoulds that are going on when it's supposed to be fun can leave us exhausted and spent, maybe even creating a love-hate relationship with the holiday season. Are you nodding your head right now?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
While the mental load can be shared, let's face it, most of the time, women carry the majority of it. I definitely needed this language years ago because I too was feeling crushed under the weight of my mental load. And despite my best efforts to explain it to my husband, it didn't really shift enough. I literally used to tell him,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
All the decor looking just right, every gift for all of your people, every meal, every moment of cheer, all on you. There's a term for this. No, it's not hostess with the mostest like we said back in the 50s. It's actually called the mental load. And if you're the one carrying it, it can really be a party pooper.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
I'm doing all the unfun parts of parenting and running this household. And I would rattle off a list to him, knowing that much of it were things that he never even considered at all. Even just small things like going through the kids' dressers and pulling out the things they outgrew, then giving it all away, and then buying the new things, right? Like,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
We just don't think about these things, but they do need to get done. These things don't just magically take care of themselves. Someone is doing it. So we laugh about it now. And we have this inner joke saying things like the trash isn't going to take itself out. The floor isn't going to sweep itself. We laugh about it now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
But I carried that load for many years, all while also running my private practice and managing that business. It really just was a lot and very overwhelming. Like most loving but perhaps clueless partners who do mean well, he would just say, just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I'm happy to help. And I just kept saying, I don't want to have to tell you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
I just want you to know I don't want to have to ask for help. Asking for help can sometimes feel like just one more thing on the to-do list, something that we have to deal with. I just want you to know what needs to be done and to do it. and to do it without cause for celebration. Honey, I remembered the trash day. Yay you! Right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
It feels really lonely to be the one carrying the load, let alone overwhelming and exhausting. So the mental load is finally becoming part of the conversation, but we're still not doing enough to actually change it and preventing it from starting in the first place. And that is what I hope to help with today in four steps. So here's the bitter pill.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
One of the biggest reasons women carry the mental load is that we let ourselves be the default person in charge. Yes, ladies, that is the truth. Somewhere along the way, we decided to take this on, this role. There are lots of reasons for it deep in our psychology, but we're not going to get into that today. I'm going to keep things simple.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
The simple why is because we think things will fall off and not get done. And maybe some of that is true, but we have decided that we're going to be the safety net and catch everything. We've decided to do that. We stepped in and took it all on because we're good at it. I would tell my husband this exact thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
I feel like I'm the caricature of the elephant in a tutu standing on one toe on the round ball juggling all the pins. I can do it because I'm talented and I can. But just because we are good at it and we can do it does not mean that we have to do it or that we should. You're good at a lot of things that you decide not to pursue, right? So this wouldn't be so if we didn't allow it to be so.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And the good news is since we decided to do it, we can also decide not to do it anymore. Decide you're going to stop being the default manager of the household. It literally starts with a decision. It's a mental flip of the switch, a line that you won't cross. I call it an internal boundary, and it's an agreement that you make with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
So today we're talking about what mental load actually is, and more importantly, how to lighten the load this holiday season and beyond so you can actually enjoy yourself too. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And if you don't keep your own promise to yourself, then no one else ever will. So your word to yourself has to be golden. It needs to be impeccable. Take this in for just a minute. Decide, which is one of my favorite words, by the way, decide you are no longer fulfilling this role. You are mentally resigning from this role.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
It starts with you making this determination and declaration for yourself. Divorce yourself from the role of carrying the responsibility of all things. And very importantly, you need to do this without anger or resentment because no one did this to you. You did this to you. And that is a big mistake that people often make when they're learning to have boundaries.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
or are changing their own patterns and behaviors, being outwardly angsty towards others who have maybe benefited from your poor boundaries when it was you who really set it all up to be this way in the first place. I really can't wait to do an episode soon on boundaries. I have an entire online program about it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
So I have a lot to say about it, and I'm going to share some major nuggets with you about all of the boundary stuff soon. But in the meantime, I just want you to take these things away today. When you are doing this exercise, you are changing your identity. You have to see yourself differently first. Then what comes next is the actual behavior.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Everyone has shopping on their brains, myself included. So my team and I decided to put together a Black Friday holiday gift guide inspired by my YouTube listeners who are always asking me about my earrings or my glasses. I put all of my current favorite everyday luxuries, as I call them, into this gift guide so you can put them on your list for you, of course. Well...
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
also for your besties or your loved ones too. It's free, so grab your copy by signing up for my newly launched newsletter called Self-Centered at hillarysilver.com forward slash gift. So the follow-through comes in a couple of steps, and that's what I'm gonna lay out for you now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
You want to get ahead of the problem so you don't always feel like you're delegating things in the moment when they come up. That means for the holidays and then for everyday life after that, You have to have a meeting with your people, whether it's your partner, your family unit, whoever you live with, whoever is in your life, and let them know how things are going to change.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
You've been doing all the things and the toll it's been taking on you, again, taking full responsibility for it. You have to do this and have this conversation without blame, accusation, or insinuation. And then what that means for everyone... is that everyone is going to be sharing the responsibilities of making your world go around in your shared life together.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
So you're gonna list out as many of the line items and tasks and jobs that you can ahead of time. And then again, you're not the boss delegating, you're not a dictator. Everyone has to choose which stuff they are gonna take on. We all need buy-in.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Some things are easier and more enjoyable to deal with than others for each of us, and we need to take both of those things on, the stuff that we don't like so much and the stuff that we enjoy more. Doing it this way makes it easier for them to follow through because they signed up for the things rather than being assigned the things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And it makes it easier for you because you won't feel anxious about things not getting done as much. And do make it clear that you're not going to be checking up on them. From now on, this is just something they are doing. It is their responsibility and you are hands off. Communicating about things is fine, but not because you're the boss and are micromanaging things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
For example, one of the first things we decided my husband was going to do was to be fully responsible for my son's baseball stuff a few years ago. It was such a relief for me that he would just tell me where to go and when to be there and when to show up. And I just got to be a spectator and cheer my son on. He would have his uniform, get to practices, all the games and all that stuff.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
I just got to show up. One thing I never did was take on the gift buying for his family, my husband's family. If my mother-in-law was getting a gift for the holidays, my husband was in charge of it. Same for my sister-in-law and anyone on his side of the family, because I was already doing all of that for my family. Why would I take on the gift buying for his family?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
If I had an idea of something they would like, I would get it. And there've been plenty of times over the years where I've gotten gifts, but the pressure was off for me to be the one responsible for delivering. There will be times that when issues come up And you will have to problem solve together. You're not cutting off communication and collaboration.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
You're just stepping back and not taking responsibility for everything. And the next step is actually almost the hardest, which is to hold the line. To maintain this is where things can get really tricky because we all fall back into status quo and what's comfortable, what we're used to. So if or when you're starting to notice that you're falling back to old patterns and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And you're getting questions like, what should we do for dinner? Or what do you need me to do? You just have to really stick true to this and adjust your response. The old way was to answer and say, well, how about this? Or how about that? Or you would just do it yourself. But the new way is to say, I'm sure you'll figure it out. Or what do you think you can do? Why don't you look it up?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Just stop filling in the blanks. This is not empowering those around you to be successful with their role You're not doing anyone any favors. And remember this, no one can read your mind, not your partner, not your kids, not even your mom who might have been in your exact same shoes at some point in the past. Don't say that you'll do it, that you've got it and make a murder of yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
You have to hold the line. Again, this is the agreement that you're making with yourself and then to the people that you live with. This is the new way and you are sticking to it. Your word has to mean something, so do not cave. For the holidays and for life in general, you have to be very intentional about all the things that you are doing. Think about life as a large oval serving platter.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Just in the last few years, we're hearing conversations about mental load. And I don't know who came up with that phrase, but thank you, whoever you are. Because language is powerful and just having words to label something that has really been going on for decades is a game changer. It validates our experiences and allows us to have more productive conversations about it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
and all of the tasks of life are on that platter. New things get put on all the time. I first felt this way when I became a mom, and all of a sudden there was so much more to do, no one prepared me for that at all. When something new gets added and then they all start to pile up, what happens? Some things start to fall off, right? There's no room for everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
So what I always tell my clients is that we need to intentionally take things off so that the things that are important to us stay on and are attended to, and the things that don't matter so much, you are removing, rather than having things just fall off without intention. Before kids, I was a birthday person, and I would always remember birthdays.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
But once I had my kids, that was something I just decided to let go of, that I wasn't gonna feel guilty or bad about not remembering everyone's birthdays all the time. Only the most important people to me, people who are closest to me, would I actually acknowledge and remember on their birthdays. I just had to let it go because there was no room in my brain for anything more.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Next, you have to embrace good enough. I know it's tempting to want everything to be perfect, especially during the holidays, but perfection is seriously overrated. The kids will not remember whether the cookies are Pinterest-worthy or store-bought.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And actually, they'll remember the time that you spent with them, especially if you make the cookies together or even if they don't turn out perfectly. That's a more memorable experience is when things go wrong. So if something doesn't get done exactly the way you envisioned it, just let it go because done is better than perfect. You can criticize how they do things or try to control it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
That's actually just defeats the whole purpose because you're still paying attention to every detail and micromanaging it. And then they're gonna backlash against you. They're gonna rebel and be like, well, screw this. If you're gonna just criticize how I'm doing it, just you keep doing it. So you're not gonna end up making this better for yourself in the long run.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
It might take longer, and yes, it might not be done your way. But the more you let others take responsibility, the more they actually rise to the occasion. And honestly, they might even surprise you. So we have to resist the urge to step in and allow it to just be good enough. And lastly... Prioritize your own joy. Isn't that a radical thought? The holidays are not just for everyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
They are for you too. You are not here to serve everyone in life. That is not your job. So what's the one thing that would make you feel joyful this season? Maybe it's just ordering food this year and make it easy on yourself. Two years ago, we ditched the entire Thanksgiving holiday and went to Mexico for a No traditions, just beach and sun and relaxation, and it was actually really fun.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
What is the one thing that you can let go of? Maybe you skip a party that you don't really want to go to. Maybe it's just making yourself do nothing, which as I tell my clients who are extremely high achievers, doing nothing is doing something when you are intentionally doing nothing. So skip the big family breakfast and go to a yoga class instead. Whatever it is,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
So mental load is the invisible burden of remembering all the things that that need to happen in order to keep a family or household flowing and functioning. It goes beyond doing all the work of getting things done, which is a major issue on its own, but it's remembering and keeping a mental catalog and a checklist and a timeline, keeping track of everything that needs to be done.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
Put it on the calendar and treat it like the non-negotiable that it is because your joy matters just as much as everyone else's. Letting go of the mental load isn't easy, especially if you've been carrying it for years and years and years. but you deserve to enjoy the holidays too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And when you lighten your load, drop all the shoulds, you're not just doing yourself a favor, you are actually empowering the people around you to step up and to contribute and to grow. So this holiday season, let's make a pact, shall we? Share the joy and share the load. If this resonated with you, hit that like button and subscribe for more episodes just like this one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
And don't forget to grab my free video training, This Changes Everything. It's linked below. And until next time, happy holidays and take care, you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I've spent 25 years inside the minds of women. Women who climb the corporate ladder, raise families, and break big-time barriers. Yet they still feel unseen, unfulfilled, and disconnected from themselves. But then, something shifts. A moment or a realization, a new way of being in life that changes everything. It's when you step into something more astonishing and magnetic
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
The inner voice quiets and you stop asking, do they like me? And you just start asking, do I even like them? And you walk into a room and instead of scanning for approval, You own the space. You radiate confidence not because someone else acknowledged you, but because you trust yourself completely. And that's when you know you've really begun to just step into your wise woman era.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
This shift happens when your opinion of yourself holds more weight than anyone else's. Not your family's, not your friend's, or even your spouse or your partner. Only yours. You might think that's being self-absorbed and that it's a bad thing, but this is actually what I call being self-centered. And it's one of the best things that can ever happen to you because when you're self-centered,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
something else happens that you wouldn't expect, which is the second shift that you know that you're stepping into your wise woman era. And that is that you no longer negotiate your time, your peace, or your power. There's an unspoken rule that every woman learns early on. Don't be too opinionated. Don't be too ambitious.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Don't take up too much space because the moment that you step outside the lines, you become a problem. And maybe without realizing it, you actually listened. So you played along and you softened your voice and you held back in meetings. Maybe you bit your tongue when you had something to say or you downplayed your successes so you wouldn't make others uncomfortable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You just made yourself a little bit smaller so that other people could feel bigger or more comfortable. It never made people actually like you more and it never made you belong. It actually only just made you disappear. But the moment that you become self-centered, you realize that shrinking yourself was never the answer and suddenly
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Your time, your peace, and your power are no longer up for negotiation. This shift isn't about being difficult. It's about owning yourself completely. I've coached thousands of women on how to do this, and it's as simple as asking yourself the right questions. If you're ready to take this step, I created a free video training that will guide you exactly on how to do it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
So just tap the link in the show notes or in the description to get access to it if you want to check it out. And this brings us to the third sign. You stop apologizing for taking up space. Little girls, we are trained to be nice. To be easy, to be flexible. You were told that being a good person means making sure that everyone else is comfortable, even if it costs you. So you did.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You said yes when you wanted to say no. You explained yourself when no explanation was needed. You smiled through things that made you want to scream. And you apologized when you didn't even do anything wrong. And you thought this made you a better person. But it didn't. It just made you exhausted. Maybe it made you feel resentful or taken advantage of. or even taken for granted.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
and something undeniable. Society just calls it aging, but I call it stepping into your wise woman era when you finally stop looking outside yourself for validation and start becoming self-centered. Today, I'm sharing the five signs that you're stepping into yours. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And maybe it just made you feel angry so that one day you snap. Maybe it's something small, like a friend who always takes, or a boss who keeps piling on the work, or a family member who doesn't respect your time. And in that moment, it hits you. The reason that you're drained isn't because you're doing too much. It's because you're allowing too much. Allowing too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
There's a big distinction there between doing too much and allowing too much. So you just decide to stop. You stop justifying your no's. You stop explaining why you can't help and why you're not coming and why you're unavailable. And you stop justifying your boundaries. The reality is no one else is thinking about your peace. You are the only one who will be doing that. So you must protect it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
It is on you. And this is the power of being self-centered. No, it is not selfish. It is completely necessary, and it means putting yourself at the center of your life. It means recognizing that your time, your energy, and your peace are yours, and you don't need permission to put yourself first. And it doesn't just change your life, it literally changes everything when you start doing this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Now, let me ask you this. How many years have you spent at war alone? with your own reflection. Think back as far as you can to being a teenager or maybe even sooner. How many mornings have you picked apart your face, your skin, your hair, your body, wishing you looked different?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
How many times have you looked back at photos of your younger self and thought, oh my God, I wish I appreciated or enjoyed what I had back then. But instead you spent all that time being critical and unhappy with yourself. Thank you so much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
It really only compounds itself because we're supposed to fight time, reverse aging, erase wrinkles, shrink your body, cover the gray, stay small, stay young. But that's not happening anymore to us because when you embrace being self-centered, you stop measuring yourself by those established standards.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You stop picking yourself apart and instead start accepting how you look and maybe even finally loving how you look. Oh my God, what a life-changing experience. And when you stop being at war with your own appearance, people start seeing you differently. And it's not because your face or your body changed, but because you did. Your energy did.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And that is the fourth sign that you're stepping into your wise woman era. Women don't become invisible as they age. We become impossible to ignore. And this brings us into the fifth and final sign that you are stepping into your wise woman era. You finally have a loving relationship with yourself like you've never had before. You are kinder, gentler, and more accepting of yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You forgive yourself your flaws, your faults, and your fuck-ups. Life is too short to be mean to yourself or to punish yourself. You can finally exhale and give yourself a damn break. From your appearance to your behavior to your habits and your choices, you know that you're doing the best you can. So when you do fall short, oh well, no big deal, live and learn, move on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And you can just get over things quickly instead of beating yourself up or worrying about it so much. And this grace that you can finally give to yourself means that you can extend that to others more easily too. You know that you've got your own back, that you'll always take care of you no matter what, and you'll do what is best for you even if it's not what others want you to do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Oh my God, that is just a life-changing experience when you can trust yourself like that. This makes you powerful and unstoppable and untouchable. You wear what makes you feel sexy and powerful. You speak how you want to speak. You live in a way that serves you and you don't care if it makes other people uncomfortable because their comfort is not your responsibility.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
For most of your life, you've been longing for confidence and chasing after it like it's something outside of yourself, something that you have to earn. And that has it feeling just out of reach. You've built a career, a life, and a reputation. So you have all the evidence to prove that you can just finally be confident in yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You are not here to make other people happy. You are here to make you happy and you realize you were never supposed to fit in and you've always belonged. You've actually already always belonged to you and and that you are meant to lead. You are a leader in your life. You are self-led, and that's exactly what you are doing now. Women have more power than we realize, and we are not wielding it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I want to say that again. Women have way more power than we realize, and we are not wielding it. And being self-centered is is the answer, living life on your own terms as defined by you making yourself and your thoughts and your feelings and your needs a priority. The time has come individually and collectively for us to do this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I know that if we can all start claiming our place at the front of the line and start leading from this self-centered place and to stop the self-loathing and to start the self-loving. And if we stop the self-doubting and instead start the self-trusting, this world would be a much better place.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And now that you understand this, what it takes to live in your wise woman era and to be self-centered, I am curious. I want to know what might you do differently starting right now. Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and I look forward to seeing you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
But yet, deep down, there is still that nagging voice asking, am I doing this right? Did they approve? Did they clap? Did I do a good job? Am I good enough? That's because when confidence is contingent upon external outcomes like approval, or achievement or accomplishment and external validation, it's always a fleeting and fragile experience. But then slowly something starts to shift.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Today we are talking about patriarchy and power. And if that sounds stuffy and boring, I assure you this conversation is not going to be that. That's because there's another force at play here, and it's what makes this extremely exciting and paradigm shifting. Can you guess what I'm talking about? Probably not. It's pussy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
After you listen to today's conversation, it would be fun for you to bring it up with the men in your life and see what they have to say. So here's the deal. Since the beginning of time, men obsess over it, fight for it, die for it, pay for it, steal for it, take it by force, and even kill for it. They want to own it, claim it, possess it, control it, and take it whenever they want it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
They want access whenever they want, just like the golden goose. And when they can't get it, they get violent and mean and angry and resentful and lash out. And no, not all men. I would never speak in absolutes, so just know that as we're talking about this. But really, by definition then, who really wants holds all the power. We do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
This is, in my opinion, the seminal underpinnings of patriarchy, the need to dominate and control women to keep us small and dependent and held back to not realize our own power and full potential, lest we realize just how much power we have over them. And if It's the origin point of misogyny, to hate, resent, or be angry towards the source of something that they want but can't control or have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
But here's the biggest problem of all, and this is the bitch slap right now. We women are not wielding our power. not individually in our lives and not collectively as half of the population.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Yes, I said it, and it does make me cringe just a little bit, but I'm slowly getting over it because this is way too important of a conversation not to talk about it with you. And And as you know, I'm all about paradigm shifting and dismantling the status quo and really helping all of us break free from long-held but harmful beliefs that hold us back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
We don't even realize how powerful we are simply because of this one feature that we possess that has such a hold over men, let alone all the other insanely amazing things women are, which we're going to get to in just a minute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
For far too long, we have been manipulated, brainwashed, and gaslit into believing this power differential is the other way around, and it has become inverted so that they can be in control. So while men might be physically bigger and stronger, we women have bought into the bullshit that we are somehow smaller and weaker. And for generations, girls have been socialized
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
to be submissive and pleasing and accommodating, to earn and seek and prove our worth and value rather than just knowing it and claiming it for ourselves simply because we exist. And that our value comes from what we can do for others and in how we are received by others and when a boy likes us and picks us. We ask for permission rather than declare what we want and expect to get it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
And we apologize when we've done nothing wrong and we accommodate to keep the peace, even if it means we are silenced. We acquiesce our autonomy and we allow others to dictate and legislate our freedoms. We look up to rather than at, meaning we've allowed ourselves to be in a one down position as if we can't just get what we want because we want it. We tolerate the intolerable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
We accept the unacceptable in how we are treated in our homes, with our partners, at work, and in society. So here's the thing. I want this to be a very big takeaway for everybody. This is not a political issue. even if it seems like it is. It's a women's issue, no matter which side of things you are on. So how do I know all of this?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
It's not because I read it in a book, and it's not just because I think it's so. I have heard this firsthand, and I hear it all day, every single day. In fact, I've conducted over 6,000 90-minute interviews with women who are over 40 just since 2017 when I launched Ready for Love. Call it qualitative, informal research.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
In-depth conversations with women about their relationship history, their childhood experiences, and their deepest fears and beliefs. These women are executives, neurosurgeons, investment bankers, professors, entrepreneurs, lawyers, engineers, and pilots, and women just like that. They are incredibly smart women who have amazing careers and have achieved incredible success.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
that they have worked for and earned, and they have accomplished the most incredible and fantastic things in this life. And most of them are also moms, often raising kids on their own, and if not on their own, they have at least taken the primary caregiving role of their children, doing it all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
And on top of that, many of them have overcome childhood circumstances filled with all kinds of neglect, abandonment, and even abuse. So these powerhouse women, who looked apart on the outside. And if you saw them living their everyday life, you might think, wow. But at the very same time, these women report feeling small in their relationships.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
So let's just jump right in without any preamble today. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
They tell me stories of men who've breadcrumbed them, ignored their emotional needs, cheated on them, withheld affection, made them feel like too much or not enough. And they've stayed in relationships where they did all the emotional labor, carried the load, never felt safe to express their needs, and feared that if they did, they'd be abandoned.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
They attracted and stayed with men who were emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, dismissive, immature, or dependent, and even experiencing all kinds of abuse, verbal, mental, emotional, physical, and even sometimes sexual. So why am I bringing this up?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Because there is a huge discrepancy between what so many women look like professionally and in their social lives and what is actually going on behind closed doors in her private personal life. It can be hard to hear this, but it is happening a whole lot more than you might think.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
And if it's happening to women who are this educated and have access to resources, then it's definitely happening to those who are less fortunate and powerful in all of those ways. But why? How is this happening? Because at a young age, they, we all learned that love is something to earn.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
That being chosen is proof that you're deserving and good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, all the enoughs. And they were raised in homes where emotions weren't encouraged or safe, where achievement was praised over authenticity, where love felt conditional and where needs weren't important. So... What did they do?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
They became high-achieving, high-functioning women, but with deep internal wiring of unworthiness. They perform, overgive, please, prove, and seek their worth and value, striving for perfection, striving for significance, and then often end up settling in so many ways, not just with romantic or life partners, but in many areas of life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
They carry stories from childhood, like, I have to be useful or perfect to be loved. If I express my needs or share my real self, I'll be rejected. If I want something in this life, it's up to me to make it happen. No one will be there for me, even when I need. I'm not important. I don't matter. I have to work hard to earn my significance and worth. Is this hitting home for you in any way?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Here's the truth. A little known fact, but a fact nonetheless. High-achieving women secretly struggle from low self-worth. It's low self-esteem masked by badassery, outward success, inward shame. And yet we are fierce, resilient, brilliant. We are walking miracles. I never cease to be amazed by what women are capable of, which is exactly why we are having this conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Women are sacred, magical, and powerful. We grow humans inside of our bodies. We bleed without dying. We turn blood into milk. Every human on this earth has passed through the body of a woman. We create the homes, nurture the families, support our communities, and show up. So despite any of our personal flaws, our faults, or our fuck-ups, we are the almighty, the omnipotent, and the all-powerful.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
And it's time we start acting like it. No more seeking approval, acceptance, validation, recognition, or significance. No more proving our worth and our value by what we can do in this world. No more apologizing for our truth. No more asking for what we want, but instead expecting to get it. Men do this all the time without thinking twice. That's the patriarchy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Think about this for just a second. The most powerful countries and people are those who have access to the world's most limited, finite, and valuable resources, right? So think oil, diamonds, minerals, gold, dollars. Yes, it's true.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
So here's the bottom line of today's conversation. This is not about man bashing. It's about truth telling. It's about taking radical responsibility for how we have gotten here and owning that we hold the key to changing it. If we want things to be different, we have to make them different. We do. That is up to us. We have to show up differently and expect to be treated differently.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
It is up to us and accepting nothing less than what we want in that very way. It is time to rewrite this narrative for ourselves as individuals and together as women to change the way we think about ourselves and all of this so that we can change who we are and what it is like to be women in this world.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
We need to rise above these circumstances and the station that we've been assigned and to sit alongside in our rightful place on the throne, not because we begged for it, but because it was always ours. Yes, it started in childhood. Yes, the socialization and conditioning runs generations deep. But if we want something different for ourselves and for our daughters, it starts with us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
It's an internal shift that brings everything. external results. The moment that you stop downplaying your power and start owning it, the moment you stop waiting for permission and finally just give it to yourself, your whole life begins to reflect your worth. You already hold the power. It's time to remember it, to claim it, and to build from it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
Not just for you, but for every woman who comes after you. This is what the entire self-centered movement is all about. And trust me, we are just getting started. If you want to be a part of this movement, make sure that you get on my email list. I do not send junk, I promise. Just my favorite things for living a self-centered life and reminders about these episodes so you never miss one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
I will put the link in the show notes and down below. Thanks for joining me for this pussy power conversation. Please share it with anyone that you know who needs to hear it. And I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Gain True Personal Power With This One Secret Weapon
But what is it that man really wants more than any of that? Yes, that's right. Pussy makes the world go around. Ask any man and he will not deny it. In fact, I've been polling some of the men in my life just to see what they have to say about this and none of them disagreed with me. In fact, when I kind of proposed this, they lit up in a way. They got excited to talk about it. So I
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Have you ever tried to change a specific behavior, a pattern, or a circumstance in your life, but no matter how much you learn about why you do what you do and how to change it, nothing actually ever really changes? The truth is there are powerful subconscious reasons why you might be holding yourself back from the changes that you wanna make in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
I know I'm the common denominator here, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Please, for the love of God, just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I like these people because they're looking for the answers and they're more likely to succeed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Level three is when we know what we're doing, why we are doing it, where it comes from, and even what we want to be doing differently, but we still can't make the change. This is what I call knowing better, but not doing better.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
And it's super painful and frustrating, more so than ever, because it's like when we're trying to lose 30 pounds, you know you shouldn't eat the junk food, but you do it anyway. And then later you're just like, God damn it, I did it again. You're mad at yourself for eating the chips. It's really hard. So let's talk about why we get stuck. There are six subconscious reasons why we get stuck.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Number one, let's kick things off with the hardest truth. The reason that you might not be changing is that you really kind of don't want to change or you just don't want to change badly enough. So maybe you feel like you should lose weight because society and all the fitness influencers tell you that you should when you actually are kind of content where you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
So you're going through the motions of trying to change habits and behavior and all the other things, but you don't really want to make it happen. And if you don't really, really want to make it happen, you just won't. And if you want this desired outcome, but you don't want it badly enough, you will only just put in the effort if it's easy or convenient or cheap.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
or you don't have to give up anything. So this is what I call dabblers. If you're really not committed to it and you're doing only half-assed trying, you're going to get half-assed results, okay? Because when we really want something badly enough, we are often willing to do whatever it takes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
So in today's conversation, I'm gonna share the three levels of awareness and six reasons why you might be stuck doing what I call knowing better, but not doing better, so you can break free once and for all. This one will make you rethink your approach to change. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
So if there's a constant something that you're working towards or working on, I would just have you ask yourself this, how badly do I really want this? Most of the time, we do know what we need to do to achieve that thing that we want so badly. It's just what are we willing to do to get it? And that will be your answer that will help you know how much you actually really want this thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Number two. you're trying to change your behavior instead of your mindset. Have you ever heard the phrase white knuckling it? That's what this is about. So when you are just focusing on changing your behavior without changing what's underneath your mindset, your mentality, the way you're thinking about things, you will stay stuck.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
So you can make a list of new habits, go through all the motions, but if you're really not shifting how you think about yourself and your potential, It's kind of like memorizing a script to follow instead of just trusting yourself to speak your truth freely. Real change starts with a mindset shift. Instead of asking, how do I make this work? What do I need to do?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Start asking, what do I believe about myself and my life that is keeping me stuck? And what do I need to believe instead? Number three, you haven't found the right support. So here's another reason why people stay stuck. They don't have the right person guiding them through the process. Maybe you've tried therapy or self-help books, but they didn't quite hit the mark. Maybe you've had a coach.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Okay. Having a helper person in your life is great. But if they're not willing to tell you the hard truths because they don't wanna rock the boat or upset you or hurt your feelings or have you fire them, that's a problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Real growth requires someone who will call you out, hold you accountable, and help you face the real problem, you, that they will put a mirror in front of your face and help you see what you've not been able to see for yourself. If someone's just giving you feel-good fluff, they're not helping you evolve. You really have to find someone who knows what they're doing
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
and who's not afraid to be brutally honest with you. The kicker here is that you must be willing to hear the truth, okay? Picking people who pat you on the back and tell you you're doing great and that you're not really the problem and that it's everyone else will only make you feel better temporarily. It will not help you be better.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
I'm sure Serena Williams, of course, the best female tennis player in the world, she wants a coach who will actually tell her what she needs to do to be better. who isn't just enamored in telling her how amazing she is, right? Same for us. The same goes true for us. So number four, you're using the wrong methods. It's possible that you're stuck because you haven't found the right approach for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
We often chase after trendy solutions, whether it's the latest book or... TikTok hack or the latest productivity method or something that your friend swears by. But if it's not actually what you need, it's not going to work, okay? So an example might be that you've tried meditation and exercise because everyone says it's the key to minimizing anxiety and creating inner peace.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
But the truth is for you, it just makes you feel more anxious because meditation is hard. And continuing to try because it's supposed to help When it's not actually helping is both denial and sabotage. Einstein said, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is insanity. I personally think it's denial. If something isn't working for you, you have to switch.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
I've heard from so many of my clients over the years that they've not just gone to therapy for years and years. but to even the same therapist for years, 10 years, even 25 years. If it's not working, stop doing it. The subconscious game here is that you're telling yourself you're trying. And when nothing works, you get to say, well, I'm trying.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
It's like going to the gym and doing 45 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical, but your body isn't responding. You can keep saying, well, I'm going to the gym. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm trying, right? Or you can change because the status quo can be comfortable. Or if you switch and you try doing weights or something else, you're not then forcing a method that isn't working for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
that you're not responding to. So this one and the next one are a bit of an ass kicker. So number five, one of the reasons you're not really changing is because you're not actually really ready to change. It's different than not wanting it. This is because you're subconsciously getting something out of staying the way that you are. Being the way that you are gives you comfort.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
predictability and certainty in your life. You know, every day you're going to wake up and think about what you think about, think how you think, focus on what you focus on and struggle with the thing that you struggle with. You will be working on how to solve it. So it's familiar and even if it sucks, but it gives you that control in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
So if you've always struggled with your weight, then not having that struggle anymore can be disorienting. Who would you be without this problem? What would you be thinking about every day? What else would you do with your time and your energy and your mental load If you're not thinking about that, the light at the end of the tunnel can often be blinding.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
It's why people end up going back to jail because they don't know how to live on the outside. So this is a strange thing for a grandma to say, but my Nana used to say, you've been in the pigsty so long, you can't even smell the shit anymore. She literally used to say that. You don't even realize that what you're putting up with is actually really that bad.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
You've gotten used to living with the pain or the discomfort or the inconvenience. It's so counter to what we would think because it's hard to imagine wanting to live in our problems, but we get so very used to it. The comfort zone actually becomes our confinement zone. So I would have you ask yourself, what am I getting out of having this problem in my life?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
It's a powerful question to ask yourself. And number six, you're over-identifying with the struggle. It's a little bit different than the last one. Some people wear their problems like a badge of honor. They talk about how they struggled for years, how life has always been hard and how they're a survivor of this thing or that thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
And while it's important to acknowledge your past, you cannot continue living in it. This is different than being a victim. There is a sense here of having pride around surviving the past obstacles or struggles rather than a blamey kind of tone about it. But if you're constantly identifying with your past struggles, You're keeping yourself tied to them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
You're basically saying, this happened to me, and so therefore this is who I am forevermore. The truth is you have to let go of that identity if you want to move forward. You are not your past. You are not your past problems. You are not your trauma. Stop identifying with being a trauma survivor. Stop telling and retelling the same story over and over again. It is time to just stop telling it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Stop speaking the words and start telling a new story. To do so means you have to let go of your old identity, and maybe you don't know how to do that, or you're just not ready or willing to let that go. You might say that you want to change, but deep down, you've identified so much with your pain, your struggle, your story. It's part of who you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
I've come to identify that there are three levels of awareness that we have when it comes to the things that aren't working in our lives. So level one awareness is, it's not me that's the problem. It's not me that needs to change. I'm amazing and confident and aware. It's everything out there that's the problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
that you really don't know who you would be without it. This happens a lot with people who see themselves as survivors, whether that's surviving trauma, a betrayal, or even cancer. The idea of moving beyond an identity feels almost like a betrayal to themselves or to the healing community that they may be part of.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
It's easier to stay in a loop of always working on something, always trying to heal rather than actually healing and letting go. To actually break free, you have to stop telling and retelling your old stories. They are not who you are anymore. Decide right now that you're done identifying with the problem and start identifying with the you going forward, your future self and who you are becoming.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
You're not stuck because what's happened to you. You're stuck because you're afraid to let it go. The truth is, if you're stuck, it's because some part of you is comfortable with it. And that's okay until it's not okay anymore. So let's flip the narrative today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
You have the power to change everything, but it starts with a decision to let go of the familiar, the comfortable, and the old stories that no longer serve you. Thanks for sticking with me through this one. I'll see you in our next episode.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck
Whether it's your partner, your parents, your kids, your boss, your team, all the men in the world, all the women in the world, all of society or patriarchy, whatever it is. To these people I say, good luck with that. Those people don't tend to like me very much. Level two awareness is when people say to me, Hillary, I know it must be me.